Confused life

@Nstone4169

10 years of knowing someone is a long time. I see why you would be scared to loose her. I commend you for taking on that role, even though you weren't sure the baby was yours. It shows great character. I'm sorry you are having troubles in your marriage now. It must be challenging on you. Have you sat down and talked to her about how you two can work towards repairing? 💜

You guys need to have an open relationship.

@Nstone4169

When I read this, this is what came across to me:

1) You seem to represent someone ‘safe’ to her. For example, you raised the child even though you feel it probably wasn’t yours. You forgive all her transgressions. You have two other children together. You’ve known each other a long time. Even now after all of this and with her cheating on you again, you still are wondering what you can do to fight for your marriage. Also, she didn’t raise the child with her ex. She went to you instead.

2) But at the same time, there is still something that draws her to her ex. Maybe it’s just that she’s lost the spark in the marriage, or that settled life makes people restless, or that she’s always had some kind of sexual chemistry with her ex (as much as she doesn’t seem to think he would be a good father figure.)

3) I think she doesn’t know what she wants. It gets difficult after 10 years - People get exhausted doing anything for 10 years. When people have affairs, it raises that inevitable question… why? Why doesn’t she just leave the marriage instead? Why did she have to cheat? But then there’s the children. And what would she do? Go to the ex and be with him instead? Maybe cheating made her feel something, that she didn’t feel in her marriage with you. Maybe she felt desired, spontaneous, ‘alive’. I think [often] people do not have any particularly specific coherent plan when they have an affair. But if she does not even know her own heart, how can you understand it?

I think you both need to understand each other better. Understand in the courageous, fearless, radical sense of the word. An understanding that comes from absolute truth. Not from two people telling each other what they think the other person wants to hear, saying what they think married people are supposed to say. No, what you need is to lay everything out, to ask her the hard questions, to understand her feelings and what drives her. To tell each other your personal truths and reveal your true feelings. What does she want to do about all of this? Is she unhappy? Does it frustrate her that you keep forgiving her every time she cheats? Why is she doing it? Why are you both still married? Is it just for the children’s sake? If you wanted to fight for the marriage would she agree to it? Does she love you still? What would she change about your marriage (on the past, for the future)? What does she want from you?

I hope you find your way forward to a better place!

CatsInTheCradle