Cheating long distance boyfriend
My long distanced boyfriend and I have known each other for 3 years and have been together for 2 years. He had a short term fling last November (slept together twice before he called it off). I had a hunch about it. Long story short I gave him multiple chances (at least 5) to come clean and he just continuosly lied about it. One day I realised I had his password from a very long time ago, and decided to try my luck on his Instagram. I managed to log in and I found the messages he exchanged with the girl in the past.
I'd like to add he has a past of constantly running away from problems whenever I confronted him. He manipulates me into thinking everything is my fault. He basically gaslights me all the time. And he's a compulsive liar because he just can't stands confrontation.
After we finally had the conversation about it, I could tell he's really apologetic and he regrets it deeply. I'm trying to find comfort in the fact that he stopped the fling on his on accord and he didn't continue till he got caught. How much I can believe that..I'm not sure. At the time he did it last year, we werent in a good place as a couple. He said he did it as a way to move on from our relationship. He was trying to see if he could replace me and soon realised he couldn't that's why he regrets in and ended it. He's also taken the first step in finally going to therapy - he had his first session last Monday. And from that he realised what a terrible person he's been to me. He says he wants continue going to therapy and try to be a better person.
We're not exactly together right now. We agreed I need to heal, and he needs to sort himself out. But we still find it so hard to move on from one another. We don't even know if we want to. We still talk about whether we can make it through this. He said he's willing to go to couples counselling together to work things out.
I know it's going to take a whole lot if we want to make this work. The trust is completely gone and idk. But he's my bestfriend. There has been couples who've worked through cheating and lies right? Would like some advice.
@mapotofu This sounds like a really conflicting situation to go through and it's definitely painful to feel like the trust you had in a person is destroyed although you continue to care for them deeply. It seems like he lies and tries to be manipulative in order to have a sense of control over you. Withholding the truth provides him with that advantage. It makes sense why he would cheat when he felt like the relationship wasn't in a good place but it doesn't justify it, make it your fault, or mean you deserved that at all.
I think there are definitely situations where couples work together to heal and salvage their connection but it takes a lot of thinking through to see whether that's what you'd want to do or if it'll be effective. It seems like a large part of why you would want to keep him in your life and salvage things would be because you're very attached to him and crave his validation. It seems like he isn't meeting your needs for respect or honest communication but it feels like a challenge to get him to reciprocate which can be an addictive cycle. When I've been in similar situations and wanted to fix things, I wanted to convince myself that the other person would change for the better and refused to see them for anything other than the person I wanted them to be so I can relate to continuing to try to have hope and imagine it'll get better. But, some tough love that's important to keep in mind is that other people's behavior isn't in our control and we have to try to see them as themselves rather than what they try to advertise or what we wanna believe.
Some things that would be worth thinking through would be asking yourself if you'd be staying out of insecurity that you can't find someone better or if you genuinely believe he'll improve, analyzing if he's taken large steps to improve or has he just talked about doing so, and what positive things you could get out of the relationship.
Although trying to move on from him will be painful, it would mean showing respect and care for yourself because it'd open up space to start over with someone new, potentially healthier who could treat you much better. There are many people in the world who we could hypothetically be in love with but we can only be familiar with the options we actually explore. Comfort can feel safe but that doesn't necessarily make it so. A lot of decision-making here is really about short-term vs long-term thinking, comparing history vs potential, and what you want vs what you deserve being debated.
It's up to you whether you'd like to believe in him despite having a long of conflicting evidence or try to let him go even though it'll be hard to do so. I think people can absolutely mature and change but it takes time to be able to do so and if he does change, it would need to be because HE seriously chooses you not because you want him to. There's a good chance he continues to act the way he does because it is effective for him, because it gets him the results he wants and because he thinks he can continue talking his way into keeping you attached to him.
I hope whatever you do, you can focus on healing and understanding what's necessary to have a healthy relationship. If you believe that he can improve so strongly, then I want you to direct that level of faith onto yourself and trying to prioritize your own mental health. You deserve to be happy and life may not always work out the way we planned but there are always nice things to look forward to.
