Am I at fault for the breakup? Feeling hurt and confused

@RestrictedSoul22 that seems very intesne i am sorry that he played with you like that i would be so anxious and uncertain of how to cope with that type of thing.

@RestrictedSoul22

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

So when I was 18, I met this guy who was 24. We were long-distance, so we couldn't be in a relationship (at the time). But he essentially strung me along for 3 years - making false hopes (like saying how he could imagine us being married, imagining us together, how much he loves me, etc.) (This part has to do with a projection of a fantasy, so when things comes close to realization is where it will scare him and then he might start behaving in cold ways to push you away) and then abruptly leaving me, (This is an indication he has hard time with closeness, and feeling connected to others because of his past childhood) coming and going in my life, (He is a very inconsistent person so this will trigger your anxiety. When you two are together he feels the closeness, but when you two are away is where he feels separation anxiety, so this is also an indication he has issues with attaching and abandonment) depending on me for emotional support (but not giving emotional support back), all whilst being with other women. (This is an indication he doesn't the meaning of equal relationships, so he will often become heavily focus on what he wants and needs, without showing any signs of giving you support.) In the beginning, he was especially overwhelming romantic and loving, (People like him are starve for validation, love, connection and to have their unmet needs met. He came on very strong to speed up the connection process, and to project a fantasy and unmet needs on you) to then over time, switching to being mean and cold, and then back to overwhelming romantic and nice when I'm about to leave, on and off like this. (He definetly have deep issues that makes him not a good candiate to date. He has a very hard time dealing with closeness and abandonment, so he will often put you through a cycle of emotions. His inconsistency behavior will feel familiar to you because this is how people treated you in the past, so it will also feel like this is love for you. You might feel this rush because of the up and down, which will make you stay) He essentially emotionally manipulated me for 2-3 years, and it was extremely hard because I had never had a boyfriend or love before.

Fast forward the 3 years to last year summer 2018, I move to another city for grad school, and this city happens to be coincidentally much closer to his city (I did not plan it like that nor did I know); So he gets in contact with me, wanting to try for a relationship now, apologizing for everything that happened before, crying, saying that we'll talk about it all, that he'll explain everything. (This will not fix everything because in that moment he missed you and felt sorry, but little by little he will put you through a cycle of inconsistency where you will get confused and often overwhelmed with strong anxiety) I was very skeptical, (Good, you should be skeptical because it was tough going through what you did) so I just wanted to be friends first and talk about what happened. (This was an amazing choice because you needed to talk about it on order for trust to be built) He told me he did what he did because of the distance and immaturity. (He is right, but it tells me he is deflecting a little, and has zero awareness of what truly happened, so he is bound to repeat the same behavior again) I never fully bought that argument, it didn't explain everything - why string me along and give me false hopes because of distance and immaturity? Why not reciprocate support? Why be dismissive and insulting at times? I tried to ask more questions and he would talk about some things but then get frustrated talking about others, or kept saying he'll explain everything to me later or in person. (I feel its normal to have a lot of questions about what happened, but from the looks of it he doesn't seem like a patient person)

So 6 months later, at the end of 2018, we visit each other and start a relationship. At this point, he was treating me really good and being really apologetic and supportive, so I decided to take a chance. (I have't read this fully yet, but I bet you he will stop putting the effort after this because he will feel like he doesn't have to try anymore. He treated you really well because he was working hard to earn the relationship back, but soon as he gets it is where you will see how complacent he gets, and then will put you through another cycle. He gives up too quick, and then stops trying) He seemed sincere at the moment and I thought we would continue talking about things and improving. But I still had my doubts. I kept questioning, and not all of the things from the past were talked about or settled for me. (I can see why you would have more questions, the problem becomes that things should have been fully resolved and talked about until both sides are fine to look ahead, but in this case you went for the relationship without fully trusting him and without having a resolution) I tried to bring up concerns with him and he would get frustrated "Why are you talking about this? Why don't you trust me?" (This is part of defensiveness, is an indication he lacks adult communucation and doesn't have the ability to soothe a person who feels stressted. This is a red flag) Sometimes I would get frustrated too and raise my tone. (This is you guys way to gain control of one another, and force each other opinions) Most times when I would try to talk about something from the past, because I just wanted to make peace with it, clarify what happen, and develop trust, he would get mad at me, continuously saying "We already talked about that!" (You went through a horrible time with him, it was on/off, and it wasn't easy dealing with his moods so i can see why you needed to ask questions. His resposes comes across as unreasonable expectations, he expects you will forgive/forget in one conversation, which is unreasonable. His behavior will get in the way of you connecting and bonding with him) (Even though in my mind, it never seemed like we talked about the topics I was bringing up, or at least didn't talk about them in their entirety. Things did not feel resolved). (It makes a lot of sense what you said, without resolution theres no peace so its normal you wanted to talk about it) "We already talked about that! Why can't you move on? (In other words "Hey we had one conversation, in that conversation you should have moved on" it doesn't work that way. I have gone through what you did, and i can completly relate to how you felt, so its okay if it takes more than 6 months to trust him. He is blaming you for "not moving on", when in reality is his fault for not wanting to talk things out) Why can't you get over the past? Am I not being good towards you now?" (In other words "Hey this conversation is all about me, get over the past, and im being good to you", totally unreasonable and inconsiderate to how you feel. I can see why you never full trust him, he is behaving like a jerk at this moment)

Yes, he was being extremely good to me in all other ways except for this issue of not being open to talking about the past. (This is a red flag because he is all about deflecting, pushing under the rug, minimizing your feelings and avoiding important topics) I would often start off the conversation by saying "I still feel really hurt about ___________ (insert past event), and I just really want to talk about it with you. (You did gret here in the way you expressed yourself) It just still bothers me a lot/makes me worry." (I like the way you worded this, it came from a place of love, but at the same time expressing how you feel) and he would get mad at that. (This is a red flag here, he can't handle effective communication, so this will make you feel disconnected) Then sometimes I would start it off in a raised tone "I can't believe you did _________(insert) to me! It still hurts so much, I've been getting nervous stomach all day from memories of it! I'm having trouble concentrating on my schoolwork today from it today!" and he would still be like "We already talked about it! Get over it! I don't want to live in the past", but then other times would be apologetic, talking a little, but not really much, changing the subject prematurely often.

A few months ago, it got so bad when I asked "I was just so bothered today from some memories from back in summer 2016. I was struggling today with the question of 'was I valuable to you back then?' Did you see me as a person of value back then? Was there something I did that led to your behavior towards me? I sometimes feel bad/worried that I'm in a relationship with someone who abused me before." (I can see you felt very hurt about what he did, it wasn't easy going through what you did. I can tell its very tough for you to make peace with hurt emotions, because they are very painful for you, and then it makes you ruminate constantly about what happened. He doesn't have the empathy to understand that when you get hurt it will feel x4 because of past experiences) and he got mad at that "*groans* Get over the past! We already talked about it! I can't believe you can't move on already! I feel like you appreciate nothing I've done now, none of it is good enough for you!" (I can understand if they are times he might feel somehwta frustrated because its a topic is often being brought up, however it shouldn't be to the point he is dismissing how you feel. He is making the conversation all about him without taking the time to understand how you feel) and then that led to a super-long 7 day argument, in which I got super depressed, anxious, and crying at the end and I said something like "I want to d*ie" in tears (Its normal to feel hurt about your feeling being dismissed, but its important to be mindful of saying what you said) - to which he responded with "You're not a little girl anymore. I thought you were more mature than this. I thought you were stronger than this. You have nothing to be depressed about, your life is enviable. I'm disappointed in you." (This is one of the reasons i strongly feel he is not someone you will have a long relationship with. They implanted the mindset of "you need to be independent, and emotions are not that important" by his parents, so now he is treating you the same way as they did to him. He is pretty much telling you to not have feelings, and to tough it out no matter how you feel...its so hurtful and sad to be on the full front of hearing someone saying those things to another) in a patronizing tone with a cold look on his face over video-cam :/ When I told him that that really hurt me, he said "How else am I supposed to react when someone says they're s*icidal because of me! I was so exhausted, what else do you expect! I'm not a therapist! Sorry!" (I dont think you were suicidial, it was something you said that came out without thinking, however his words are going to break whatever trust you have in him) :( I was so hurt and confused by that response - because 1) I never said I was s*icidal because of him - I wasn't s*icidal in general, I just have told him before that I struggle with depression symptoms and sometimes s*icidal thoughts that make me anxious and that I would not act on. And so now I felt like he was using that against me that I confided to him about. 2) He was blaming me for the whole thing. I did not know what to say in that moment and was feeling bad, guilt, confusion, (This is a red flag, he doesn;t have the ability to admit where he is wrong. I think you both played a role on how the conversation go, its not just your fault)so I just said "Sorry, I know that was very stressful and you didn't know what to do." :(

Then he took me to a bar to meet up with his buddies even though 1) I didn't want to go and made that known, and 2) I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father and feel nervous/bad around alcohol. When I was sad in the place, saying "I don't want to be here" and "I don't know why people drink!"; he said we would just be there for a short time until his buddies came and then go to another place, and then kept telling me to calm down and be more "tolerant" patronizingly again. (I could see why you would feel that way, however he was just minimizing how you feel) He kept telling me to be more tolerant several times, and I was very upset by that, I told him "you know my father was an alcoholic and I was very traumatized by that, like the night when he physically attacked my mom and pulled a knife on us while drunk" and he's like "I don't remember you telling me that" (but I told him several times before! that's a fact!) (He shouldn't have say that...its going to make you feel as if he doesn't take the time to listen to what you have to say or doesn't take the time to prioritize what you share with him) and then he's like "I have traumas too, you know. Just because I almost drowned when I was four doesn't mean I avoid rivers now." (In other words "Hey i went through worst, i experienced traumas, it doesn't mean i feel down". He shouldn't be using the compare of situations because its going to make you feel like your situation isn't important, he is very inconsiderate of how his words will impact) How the h.ll is that comparable to this situation and living 20 years with an explosive alcoholic father? Then later that night when I tried to talk to him about it and to apologize for how I was raising my tone and getting angry too, he said "It's okay, I know you, you over-react." (I bet it took tons of courage for you to say "im really sorry about this", and his response would make anyone feel bad because its showing a lack of consideration for how it makes you feel):/ and he had also said "it's okay, just sometimes your anxiety affects your judgment." (He is belittling how you feel, and putting all the blame on you. The things he say also plays a part on how high your anxiety gets because if he shows empathy and talks in a loving tone then your anxiety will not get high since it would have make you feel safe)

So then I was starting to gradually more and more lose my fuse, (This was bound to happen, what he said was very cold and demaning, so it make you feel disconnected) to gradually more and more response in frustrated, angry tones and asking more about things that were bothering me that he did and said - which was so futile because he would just keep evading or treating me like I'm crazy, saying "there's nothing to talk about", "we already talked about it", "I don't want to say this, but maybe you should see a therapist", "I've been so good to you, (He hasn't been good to you.) I haven't been doing anything wrong to you now.", (He has been cold, dismissive, belittling how you feel, and showing signs of emotional abuse) "I don't deserve this!" (he is playing the victim here) So then one night I asked him if he can be more kind and compassionate when I try to talk about stuff, just more empathetic, and he's like "I am empathetic towards you." (No he is dismissive and emotionally abusive on certain things) and I'm like "yeah, but you're always getting frustrated and irritated with me when I try to resolve stuff from the past and any concerns." and he's like "okay, I'll be more kind." (he doesn't really mean this, he is saying this to stop the discussion) And then the next day when I messaged that I've been having nervous stomach all morning worrying about our relationship, that I feel so sad and stressed about it! (at that point I had had nervous stomach and low appetite for several days and it was affecting my ability to concentrate and do my schoolwork) we tried to talk about and he was just "sorry to hear that,but what are you getting so stressed out for! We have a good relationship!" (Its a very toxic relationship, he is ignoring reality) and I tried to explain that I'm stressed about these things that happened and that we're not able to have good conversations to resolve the past, and he's all like "I don't want to keep talking about the past for the rest of my life! Those conversations are boring to me!" (This right here should be a deal breaker. You should want someone who wants to communicate and resolve, not someone who thinks those conversations are boring) and so I was like "Well, maybe I don't want to be in a relationship with you for the rest of my life!" (This is very unhealthy at this point, is like you both are trying to hurt each other with these statements) and then we got on the phone and he was saying "sorry for everything." and just saying sorry and nothing else, and when I would try to discuss things, he would just say "sorry" and was really quiet and not saying anything. I almost felt like I was receiving the silent treatment and I started to get really nervous asking "why aren't you talking?! you're making me nervous!" (I can see why you felt nervous, but in here you tried to force the situation because you couldn't soothe your anxiety) And he's like "anything I say will just make it worse. I'm just trying to make you calm down by me being calm. I'm trying to be kind, /polite./" and for some reason when he said that, I just felt so angry and nervous, I felt he was being insincere and treating me like I'm crazy, like it was a manipulative ploy! (I feel you also became triggered, parts of your past take over the present, and then you made him feel responsible for that past. He is being dismissive, cold and inconsiderate, but you are showing signs of anxiety and forcing things. This conversation betwene the two of you has gotten unhealthy) Maybe I was wrong, but that's how I interpreted it and felt it. And I just went off crying and saying "you're fake! i don't trust you! i hate you! you're selfish! you're a liar!" (Right here you are being offensive towrds him, its all in an effort to either force him to behave in the way you want to soothe your anxiety or an attempt to hurt him in the same way you feel hurt) I had never gone off so angrily like that before in my life! After I said that, there was a dead silence and he said "Well, I feel offended. I'm going to need a break. Call you back in a few hours." (He did the right thing by walking away, the conversation was really unhealthy)

Then he called me back after a few hours, said that he forgived me, (I doubt it, he probably will keep it inside for a long time) I apologized saying I don't know what got into me and that (Its normal to feel hurt when someone dismiss how you feel, what you think and what you express because it feels like your existance is being threaten. I do think your anxiety will make you say and do things on order to force him to behave a certain way and to force him into being close to you. He pushes you away with his behavior, however you do whatever it takes to get you two close, which will often cause both sides to feel unsafe) I should not have reacted like that and that the words I said were not okay and they were untrue. He said he accepts my apology, and then he said "I need you", and then he changed the subject to something sexual, which he was starting to do frequently as our arguments progressed. (This might help a little for a few minutes, but then the issues, arguments and words being said never get resolved) It honestly felt like talking to a wall, and I never knew if it was because I was being too rude, mean, frustrated, or raising my tone, (The raising tone part has to do with anxiety, its an effort to gain further control of uncertainty and to make him behave in the way you want)but even when I would ask things calmly, it would get no where. So I didn't know what to do anymore. (Its understandable you don't know what to do, but you two need to work on certain issues before resuming the relationship. The traumas you both have from the past are constantly being replayed and then it takes over because you two never overcome and dealt with each other past childhood)

So then the "be tolerant" thing was bothering me, and I had been 7 days barely eating nervous stomach all the time, and then I started typing to him angrily how angry I was about the "be tolerant" thing and how I was sick of his bllsh*t! ((I do agree it wasn't okay for him to say that, i feel he should have used a better choice of words. I would like to point out that the 7 days of barely eating and being nervous has to do more with your past childhood, than what he said. What he said was hurtful, he shouldn't have said it, but the way the anxiety gets high is an indication a deeper rotted issue that needs to be resolved before entering a relationship. Letting go is important (everyone has their own time and space to do this), but in this case it also has to do more with your past, really check if family members (mostly parents) have this behavior or if they often brought up past situation on you that made you feel bad) He answered and I was very angrily yelling at him over video. Anyone who was observing would think this girl is crazy. He said "I'm still right, you should be more tolerant." (I can tell that growing up his parents made it all about "im right, you are wrong", so now he will try to win arguments etc) To which I started to explode more and started insulting him words like "coward!" (It hurt what he said, its normal to feel angry and disconnected, but it can't be where you are offending him. This is turning toxic quickly, its like you seek to offend him on order to make him do what you want in the same way they did to you growing up) and I'm like "you don't even care about the trauma I've been through, the pain I've been through, the pain that I get from nervous stomach!" and in a very slippery, condescending voice he said "It seems like pain is a recreational thing for you." (This is quite hurtful, you didn't deserve to be hearing this from him. For future reference, its important to always walk away when someone is being this dismissive of how you feel or what you think)When he said that, I completely lost my sh*t - I went off completely saying "how can you say that to me, motherfcker!! fck you!! you deserve everything bad that happens to you! Selfish motherfcker! etc etc" (Its understandable you felt angry, but right here this is passive-agressive behavior and explosion. You felt hurt, so now you are trying to hurt him in the same way on order for you to feel better about things, this is not going to go well) and I hung up the phone and started unfriending him on facebook, changing my relationship status; (This is a sign its tough for you to soothe tough emotions, this was all done to hurt him) he started messaging me apologies, calling me 20 times - I would not answer the phone, leaving voicemails "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'll regret that I said that for the rest of my life, please give me another chance. is it really over?" I wrote "yes, it's over. bye" and I broke up with him. (Its was a good decision to end it, its not worth the hurt and anxiety you are experiencing)

Instantly, I felt a feeling of relief, mixed with great sadness. I was in love with him, but couldn't take it anymore.

The next morning I received emails and phone calls from him, saying he'll always love me, asking me if there's any other chance, wishing me well. (He is being dramatic here on attempt to cause a reaction inside of you) I said no, there's no other chance. and I said I'm not ready for a relationship, that I have too many other concerns, like my health and schoolwork. And just said that the good memories will always be in my heart and that I hope he takes care of himself too.

Living the same life