i am new to this.

Hi, i am new to this. scared, doubtful. but i want to share my recent things.

i am a she and i recently went into a break up. he was a fireman. an ideal man of many. he courted me and after 8 months i answered him yes. what took so long? he was my first boyfriend. a dreamy first boyfriend. all of the people that surrounds me think that he is perfect. got a great paying job, have looks and pleasing personality. and even i was blinded by those. before i answered him yes i knew the consequences. Idr, busy days, ununiformed time for communication and he revealed to me while he was still courting me that he impregnated two women both babies died without him by their side. meaning he was irresponsible.

he lost a large amount of money because of gamble. he is gaslighting me whenever i disagree with him. guilt tripping and blackmailing me. giving me love bomb from the start then became inconsistent throughout our 1 year and 2 months of being together. in short he was not someone everyone thinks he is. i saw who he is and everyone around me was blinded. i am glad i saw the true him.

from the very start of our relationship i told him our conditions. like no kissing on the lips and pda to name some which he agreed on. me and my family gave him trust. but one night of all the night he attempted to kiss me on the lips, i was harrased. we we're hugging then a second later he is forcing me to kiss him, he is a fireman so he have this kind of strength that i don't. i pushed him and whisphered that he should not do it. but he persisted. he fulled me againt and luckily i broke the hug and run and never looked back.

two weeks without him chatting, calling, texting me. he never appear outside our door he never apologized. he even blamed me for not going back on him sorry but rather he blamed me of my actions. got no choice. my mental health was being compromised. my peace of mind is being ruined. i didn't have a good sleep for almost a month because of what he did the. he blames me for my actions.

one week after the break up, i confessed to my workmates about what happend and tell them everything. they told me that it was normal. that impregnating two women both babies didn't survived was just in the past. that kissing against consent is ok and normal. that i everything he does was forgivable and easy to accept. i was invalidated within that conversation with them. my feelings were greatly invalidated. i feel like my judgements were invalid and wrong.

one month after the break up they still want me to go back with him. but playing scenarios in my head about that night, i know to myself that i will still do the same. i regret nothing. but they keep to telling me to go back and i can't stop them to tell me things. unsolicited advices.

i just want to know if my decision is reasonable because honestly, i am doubting myself because of the people that surrounds me. to know if it is normal to give him things like kiss on the lips. i am new to this.

thank you for taking time to read.

-heidi