Trying to start over
Hey everyone,
Still a bit new here and wanting to make my first post.
About a month and a half ago my world turned upside down. I overheard my now ex-partner making a phone call with his gp. I heard bits and peaces but realized pretty quickly that it was about an std. He asked for antibiotics. I confronted him with it and he made up some stupid excuse. Then he quickly turned the tables and said he was doubting our relationship. At that point I told him I couldn't look at him like this and left the house.
It turned out to be the last time we would see eachother. He left and a few days later I found out more and more troubling information that send me to ***. He was seeing somebody else for almost over a year and in between also a lot of other women and men; explaining the std I guess.. he betrayed a lot of people and friends, because I started hearing stories about loanes, debts, etc. I started searching the house and I found weapons, drugs and soooo many unopened letters. On paper alone I found about 300.000 in debts.
At this point I'm almost done cleaning the whole house out, so that I can start over somewhere else. A place my own, my own life. I really trusted this man, feeling so safe and loved. He is the perfect narcassist/psychopath story.. and it confuses me so much that I ever felt for this. I used to be a lawyer before I changed my career to a nurse/docter in training now. In my job as a lawyer I saw so many men like this and still I felt for one...
How can this be?
@needlenelly
It can happen to anyone... even if we have the training or have seen it before we first do not want to believe WE could be duped ... so we overlook so many ??? and red flags. When we are feeling in love or lust our brains are not the analytical detective / or in your case lawyer mind.
I guess it is good you did not share finances or get caught up in all that debt. You may be contacted by collectors and such looking for him.
That is just terrible. I think you were very smart in leaving him. I don't think people should put up with cheaters ever, but I don't know everyone's story, it's up to them... Again, sorry, I think this kind of stuff can happen to the best of us.
@faithfulZebra8678
What I mean is that I think cheating on the partner is bad and means that person has real problems and hopefully gets help for their next relationship. Relationships need basic trust and communication. A journey but we need to try, I think. I feel cheating throws it all out, and takes courage to walk away from. Especially politely, which is the best way.
@faithfulZebra8678 Sorry to inform you of this, but there isn't a snowball's chance in H€ll that needlenelly's ex will get help for his condition. Whenever this topic comes up in the clinical literature, it says something like "ASPD* is highly resistant to treatment". That is a euphemism for the following:
- Sociopaths are unlikely to realize that anything is wrong with their mentality or conduct. To their way of thinking, other people are just objects to be manipulated, controlled or destroyed for personal enjoyment.
- Those who know their actions are wrong do not care, don't give a d∆mn about any kind of morality & so will not seek treatment on their own.
- Psychopaths & sociopaths go through their entire lives with the condition(s) they were born with &/or developed via abusive treatment when they were young. No matter what consequences they endure as a result of their actions, they never learn the lessons that would be obvious to you or me. To do so is beyond their basic character. To a sociopath consequences are something to be avoided, not a tool for learning.
*stands for AntiSocial Personality Disorder. It's the current politically correct term for what was once known as evil.
I think you're pretty right on this😉 I found out he does this all the time: start a relationship, gets into all kinds of trouble, cheats and before breaking up already looking for a 'new one'. He was already in a 'relationship' with another woman, with 2 young children, while still being with me. Me not really knowing about this, but I had this 'bad' feeling for some months though.
He did this before me and will continue doing this. The only difference for him now is that I caught him and left him. For him I think this wasn't supposed to happen yet, because he wasn't sure about his 'other woman'.
He left saying he would help me out with the rent, if I wanted to stay in the house. When I said I didn't want that, he came back and collected some stuff and I never saw him again. So this last month I had to clean out a whole house on my own.
What I learned is this: everything he says he will do, he won't. And everything he says he isn't going to do , he will.
There's no turning back and changing this, so I have to accept it all and go through it. I don't want to get bitter and stop trusting other people, but it's messy in my head.
I really have some selfcare and work to do, because I don't want to somehow attract people like this
@needlenelly No one is completely immune to the charms of a sociopath. No one. You're only human...an intelligent & savvy one, but a human nonetheless. Your 🐂💩 armor may be better than most but because you are mortal, there is still a gap in it. The "man" you were with was undoubtedly a highly skilled liar & manipulator....he found the ch1nk in your armor & got through it to you.
