Triggered my boyfriend's trauma response
Hey guys,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. Prior to that he let me know he come out of some pretty gnarly relationships and had been a domestic violence victim. Our relationship has been good and we haven't had any bad arguments because we talk things out. I accidentally triggered his trauma recently. What happened was he already been going through a very difficult time and I had been pointing out how he was less attentive and that I noticed he didn't have time to meet his own personal needs. I suspected burn out but learned a few things were weighting on his heart. He recently was approved to have time off work and brought a ticket to see his kids. He he was ecstatic and I was for him but I also had had a troublesome day related to trying to find work, getting injured at work, and little money I get from workers compensation. Additionally , I shared how it's really been affecting me because we've not seen each other in over a year but this was due to me moving from California to Texas to care for my dad. He passed away in January but if it wasn't for my boyfriend support I wouldn't have even made it out here. I shared all that with with him but it brought his mood way down. He said he felt like a failure because he felt like he failed to provide for me.
I quickly realized that one by sharing my own burden at the wrong time and place I took away a moment that he needed for himself which was just to enjoy something good. I apologized bc I ended up being a kill joy.
Next day, I asked if we were okay. That he needed time because he made a promise to himself that he would not let anyone take his joy away like what happened to him in his previous relationship. I apologize again but I also realized that I somehow stepped on an emotional landmine. This all happened may 17. He asked me for space to get his mind right but we really haven't talked much aside from a once a week text. Yesterday, I felt ecstatic that he told me he would call yesterday but I kind of had a feeling he might be pushing himself so I told him I'd wait. He has shared with me this has triggered his trauma and he finds himself of being afraid of history repeating it's self. I have no idea of what is running through his mind or why him feeling like he failed me triggered all this.
I'm trying to figure out what self care things I need because I miss my boyfriend alot. But feel like I'm approaching a spooked animal.
What can I do to help myself through this so that I can wait patiently for my boyfriend to get settled in his mind and for him to work through his fears
It's tough when our actions unintentionally trigger past traumas in our loved ones. You were sharing your own struggles and didn't realize the impact it would have on him. It's also important to remember that his reaction is not a reflection of you or your worth as a partner. In terms of self-care, it's crucial to prioritize your own well-being during this time. This might involve engaging in activities that bring you comfort and joy, spending time with supportive friends or family members, or seeking professional support if you feel overwhelmed. Additionally, communication is key in any relationship, especially during difficult times. While your boyfriend has asked for space, it might be helpful to express your feelings to him in a thoughtful and understanding manner. Let him know that you miss him and care about him, but also respect his need for time and space to work through his feelings.
