Struggling
Been in my relationship for 12 years. Most of it I have always felt like I have been on the back foot playing catch up in terms of what's expected of me. I think my partner has seen more potential in me than I have had the confidence to put out there. Over time our dynamic became more of a I'll get told what needs doing but after a while that would grate on my partner and I'd get criticised for not taking the lead. So then I'd use my initiative over silly things like dinner choices or where we're going at the weekend...which would then be met by negative comments. I've shyed away from big life choices like proposing or having kids, not because I don't want to but because I feel I need to process it and everything about it. I'm scared of rejection and arguing (though we seem to do the latter more so now). Cut a long background short, I feel like my slowness and way of being has been pushing my partner away. When in actual fact I'm the complete opposite and quite needy. Anyway it's been getting a bit tense in the last few months culminated in my mum passing away last month. We had a bit of a rocky relationship as she didn't like my choice of partner amongst other things. I've found it quite hard to cope with grief, upset, arranging funeral, talking to solicitors etc. My partner has been struggling with being supportive when we were already in a funny patch. I feel like I need support. I feel like I can't ask for it. My partner feels let down by our past and doesn't want to be supportive. Which I can understand as much as I hate to say it. I feel like a whirlwind of mess and that I can't do anything right and now I feel incredibly alone as well. I want to make things right between us but I'm scared the patience has run out. Any words of advise anyone?
@conscientiousNickel7021
If I could tell everyone who would listen let go of the past ............decide if you want to move forward. Partners at first can inspire us........... but we need to make that path our own ......not doing what they think we should. Even if they see something more grand for you.... if you are not ready or chose another path they should support you in what you want.
Grief is hard and lonely......and you should feel OK to always ask for support and help in whatever you need. even stopping to ask ourselves if we could or should ask for them to step up...would make me sad.
I get the conflict of being decisive.... as my partner used to be very out spoken and putting his two cents in everything even areas i was more in a position of strength.
i asked for him to back up a bit so i could be a partner and make decisions too.In the end i got him wanting me to make decisions always and then nit pick those decisions ... this is exactly what " be careful of what you wish for" means........
Partners who last.... marriages that work are not a power play or scorecard ...it is complimentary styles blending to a stronger team. it is being able even in a rocky spot to say "time out" I just need some support or hug or whatever you need. If you feel you are ready to propose or progress you need some clear communication about what each other wants and NOT assuming they will come around or head nod when you really do NOT agree ....... Speaking up is a must ... what do you have to lose?
If they disagree or are not on board or do not see the same type of future ..... you save time to prepare to find someone who will be your greatest asset as a partner.
Appreciate your words @toughTiger6481
I think my partner has always been very much of the life is there to grab it with both hands and make what you can of it. While I like this idea I can be overly cautious and sometimes because of this it has caused arguments between us. I have completely held my hands up and said that I am too cautious and have tried to not be so much but again I think this is still a sore point.
It is definitely a bit weird with the feeling sad and grieving at the moment. It can come in waves and I just want to seek solace with someone. I'm not after someone to fix everything for me but I just want some comfort. Obviously things being a bit difficult in general at the moment makes that more challenging. My partner did say they didn't feel like they could be completely supportive of my grieving and they'd only been there 50% I didn't quite know what to say. They feel used by everyone in the family and for me to add my stuff on top I'm expecting a lot. I don't know how it makes me feel. Sad. Like I've done it to myself.
I want to work together but I'm being told that when I get attention I take it for granted so now we can exist but I shouldn't expect more than that as I always hold all the cards and control everything anyway so if we're on the same page I shouldn't need confirmation or reassurance. I should be able to fix things instead of relying on everyone else. When you're not used to it though it feels like an uphill struggle. I said earlier I felt awkward by the ways things were and was told that's just my way of saying she should change the way she's being with me. Ugh