Something isn't right between us...
Far from a perfect world and far from a perfect relationship yet something inside me says there's something wrong on a different level. I don't know what it is and i have no way of knowing if my partner is hiding something which undoubtedly adds to the urgency of the moment.
I've done everything possible to determine whether or not my partner has cheated and come up with the answer that my partner has in fact not cheated. However i feel no less relieved.
At least if my partner had cheated i would have my answer and be able to chart my course accordingly. To have an answer is to have validation in that respect. Yet i have none.
It only adds to my concern that when i finally find out what's going on i will be more vulnerable but honestly how much more vulnerable can a person be? Financially, emotionally, physically we are all vulnerable when we invest in a relationship so then maybe spiritually could be the thing I've neglected?
There's a feeling setting in that i need to just leave instead of trying to determine what's going on. I've also considered that it me that could be the issue. My head and my heart are misaligned. Maybe a cognitive dissonance is awash over me and only when I'm out of the situation will i be able to achieve the clarity i need.
@sympatheticWest110
It sounds like you are anxious, overthinking it and feeling like in a constant fear of being rejected. But you told us about no facts, behaviours of your partner or events we might relate to.
I believe relationships are about living in it, being happy with and feeling safe with it. Being mindful with relationships is right for me, but analyzing them too much on a very theoretical level has a potential to be really devastating.
The reasons for your gut feeling might vary greatly: your partner might be preparing a birthday surprise for you, someone in his family got seriously ill, he has some financial problems he didn't tell you to not bother you... God only knows. But it can also be just your anxiety.
How could you feel if you just asked him, in a kind, but straightforward way?
Those are very good points you bring up and i hadn't considered them actually. The more that i consider the possibility the more it seems likely that it's something along the lines of what you mentioned.
Sometimes while a seemingly innocuous phrase doesn't quite slap me it does whisper and i don't listen to it often enough to my detriment. I'm going to gently ask if there's more to the statement in question but after that I'm going to stop trying to put the blame on my partner and take responsibility for myself.
@sympatheticWest110
You said something about your brain and heart being misaligned... Maybe your balance is slightly on the thinking side?
I believe happy people are those who tend to have less dark thoughts and more warm and bright feelings. Maybe that is the reason why we call them happy?
@sympatheticWest110
So you feel something is off .....investigated to find out IF your partner cheated and he did not. you say something feels off and you feel the need to leave.
Could it be possible your overthinking and trying to find the "something " that feels off or wrong is so you have a reason to leave. We sometimes stay in relationships/ job etc because on surface it seems good but we are not fulfilled or happy ... we do not want someone to tell us that our partner is a good person .. of course they are .........but that does not always change our feelings.
Just like we can have a good job with decent pay and perks but we do not want to be there so we start looking for an outside reason to leave.
Maybe it is time to take inventory of how you really feel and if the thing your missing is you wanting to go .........but maybe feel if there was a solid incident you do not have to explain that you were just not happy or seeing yourself there any longer.
It is OK to do things that make you happy and you do not need to explain to anyone.
it becomes clearer by the hour that i can't be happy in this place. There is comfort in the idea that i don't need to explain it to anyone and comfort also in the possibility that no one has to have wronged the other person to such a degree that is unforgivable.
It's going to be one of the hardest and simplest things to do. Someone mentioned just making it clean and quiet. I liked that idea. Another friend said "I've started over a few times now. It isn't easy but it's always better."
I'm out of stamina, out of confidence. I'm out of patience and out of desire. I know i need to stop holding out for the hope that there's something more. Maybe i have. Maybe I'll leave tomorrow morning.
