Should help come with stipulations?
I was bringing in the groceries and put what I could in my hands and asked my husband to get the last 2. He said no cause if I can grab all these then I can go get the last two. That hurt me. He also didn't want to help feed our son cause he calls it tedious. I feel like help should be done, at least here at the home, without the "well if you got all that then get those too" mindset. He doesn't help change diapers if the baby poo'd if he already ate, and he doesn't change the diaper without promt but wants the diaper changed often. I find he often says " I would've done that" many times about things. He should do it if he sees it. I throw the trash out plenty of times but he sees it and knows it's full but doesn't throw it out. I guess those last parts are the weaponized incompetence part (if I spelled it right). But man. It bugs me
@Stargazernow That sucks. He needs to step up and do his part.
If you weren’t doing these things, he would not feed your child, he would not change your child’s diapers, he would neglect your child because being a responsible adult is “tedious”!
No. That is simply not good enough by any objective standard. If he only ever wanted to do the BARE MINIMUM, then he shouldn’t be in an adult relationship, he shouldn’t have had children. He must accept the RESPONSIBILTY that comes with his decisions. When your partner asks you for help, it’s human decency to help them. Yes they can probably manage with some extra effort by themselves, but they are asking you for your help because it will make their lives that little bit easier. If he refuses to help just because you can do it yourself - again, that is NOT the point of being in a relationship. If you just wanted to do everything by yourself, you wouldn’t be in a relationship TOGETHER. He needs to re-evaluate what it means to be with someone, what is his role in the relationship, as a father, as a lover as a partner. Does he just think he is a banker that only pays the bills in exchange for sex? Is that the whole of what his relationship is to him?
You both need to have this conversation and understand each other better. He will only become more comfortable with this arrangement the longer you allow it to carry on.
Wishing you and your family all the best!
CatsInTheCradle
I think re-evaluate the relationship. You feel like things that you need don’t matter because of your husband. Your child will grow up and put everyone else first and neglect themselves. Your child will grow up feeling like they don’t matter because their needs were not prioritized by their father.
It sounds likely he grew up in an environment where women took on all the childcare and house management - much like myself. I was able to grow and am always looking for ways to improve and support my wife and child as best I can. Maybe he can too. But if he's not even willing to help grab groceries, he's got a long way to go and you may need to leave him or at least make it clear to him that you will if you don't start getting any support at home from him.
