Seeking advice - how to safely maintain a relationship as two people with past relationship dysfunction, & chronic physical/mental health issues?

Hey all,

I'd love some advice if anyone's able to offer that.

I recently (about 3 months ago) started dating someone, and for the most part it's been really nice, really enjoyable, and I like this person. Recently though I'm also struggling with some feelings of overwhelm and doubt and I'm trying to define my personal boundaries and needs within this relationship.

I think that both of us having chronic mental & physical health issues is part of it, maybe. My partner is physically disabled and also mentally ill. I am too - I am trying to seek a diagnosis for my physical experiences, but basically I have issues with chronic pain and fatigue, and side effects from past use of psychiatric drugs. I used to struggle with self-destructive thoughts/emotions, and now not so much, but I still feel overwhelmed sometimes with what goes on in my head and I just really try hard to practice creative coping skills through all of it.

Within the past couple months, my partner's gone through a mysterious pain scare, where I went to stay over at their house overnight because it was uncertain if they were having a heart issue and would need someone to take them to the hospital. My partner also twisted their ankle while at my house and ended up staying here for several days in a row. Also, the last time they were over here, they told me they were feeling suicidal, and we went over a safety plan before they left. But they also expressed that they'd gone through a number of unexpected health ups and downs in the time since we started dating, and they were worried about it "destroying" our relationship.

I was not sure what to say, but I tried to express that I also have been through physical & mental health ups and downs and I understand that the world is really hard at times, and it's important to stay with each other through the trouble however we can. But I also tried to say that I think it's complicated and maybe something to talk more about.

I just feel that going through those things can be so emotionally impactful, and it's important to have realistic boundaries.

Even now, I'm sort of feeling emotionally confused, because I'm not sure if I can sustainably keep doing what we've been doing in this relationship. I want to be present for my loved one and I want them to be able to stay at my house and feel safe there. But I also sometimes lose sight of my own needs when they're over here, and I know that's not their fault, at all, and it's also something I tried to communicate to them lately, and I asked for some alone time, and they were receptive to that. It's just that when I spend time with someone for hours, and that turns into days, it uses social energy, and I miss messages from other people in my life, and I forget to take care of life tasks that I'm supposed to do, and I also try and cook for us, and I try and be conversationally present...

...But at a certain point it feels like I hit a wall, and I realize I just don't have the mental/emotional/physical energy to cook, or to have a conversation. And it feels so frustrating -- and again, it's not my partner's fault, at all, and that's why I'm trying to come here and ask online for advice and try and sort out my own boundaries. I am trying to balance my own mental/physical/emotional limits, while also allowing myself to step outside of my comfort zone a bit.

And I'm trying to be open about my mental/physical/emotional needs, before it gets to an "emergency" stage where I'm physically/emotionally overwhelmed and mad and in pain. I try and journal, I try and practice grounding/breath work skills, and lots of other things, I have some familiarity with DBT, but maybe I just don't have a lot of practice really naming and communicating how I'm feeling to other people. I'm also nervous about patterns of enmeshment / codependence because I have experienced some of that in the past, and so has my partner, and we've talked about it, but I am not sure if we're still feeding into harmful dynamics like that, or how we can protect against that.

I think there's probably more I could say but at this point this post is pretty long so I will just release it... Thank you to anyone who reads this! Thank you even more if you stop to offer even a few words of support or advice or shared experience. Love to you all.