Really struggling in my marriage
My husband and I fight like cats and dogs. I want to live in the city. He wants a farm in the suburbs. I want to focus on my career. He wants kids now. These seemed like issues that would’ve changed as we got older, but I’m not finding myself budging. I feel lonely 24/7. I resent him. I don’t want to “be there” emotionally for him. He has started giving up too.
@littleCurrent9020
HI there. This sounds really difficult. I'm hearing that there are lots of differences in what you and your husband want. Where to live, when to have children etc. And that this is perhaps leasing to resentment and hurt.
I think I'm also hearing that you had expectations of how these wants would change with time. Unfortunately it is impossible to predict how we will change with time. I certainly could never have imagined how things turned out for me!
The problem is that both what you want and what your husband wants are equally valid. The challenge is how to negotiate and resolve those differences. And there is no simple answer to that. It may even be that you can't resolve them. But there is no harm in trying if you want to.
Can you maybe find something to agree on as a starting point? Maybe you can agree that you have different opinions on next steps and this is a problem. Can you agree whether this is something you want to resolve? Once you have some common ground, it can be easier to approach the how you are going to solve it.
Maybe it would help to look into how to communicate assertively without it becoming a fight? 7 cups has some good tips on this. There's also lots of books eg Cruicial Conversations.
It sounds like it is going to be a real challenge to resolve so I wish you all the best. If nothing else, I hope 7 cups can help a little with the loneliness. It's so hard to feel alone and no one is alone here.
@littleCurrent9020
I am assuming you went into relationship with a solid idea of what you wanted or did not want... this is a time bomb waiting to take out a relationship.
Was that clearly spoken between you? .... did he always want kids/ farm ? Did you ignore that and hoped his wants would change....... not really expecting your views to change. Why resent him if his expectations did not change .. yours did not change either.
If you are not budging and want different things maybe it is time to let him go to have a chance to build the life he envisioned. Like the other poster said life changes are hard to predict and most are not what we expect.
Once we are no longer there emotionally ... it is hard to come back from.
@littleCurrent9020
May I ask did you actually check if you shared the same values and priorities at the beginning of your relationship?
Things like being retired together, with no children, at his ranch... But would that be satisfying (and not waiting too long) for any of you?
When I think about my ex wife from 20 years ago, I imagine we could be a great couple when getting old and retired. But the "loss of living" on the way could be unbearable for any of us.