Past Childhood Trauma Affecting My Relationship Now

Ever since I was young my parents were absent and so they had to temporarily have me live in some of my relatives house, which is not for long since we had to switch around at most every year so I never really felt loved or safe. My parents always tell me I have to put everyone over myself, and since I’m living with my relatives I have to do things to make them happy and satisfied so they don’t make me go back home, but later it caused me to become a really severe people pleaser. Once I started middle school that’s when I started living with my parents but they had work all day so we barely see each other. However, whenever we do, they would come home stressed from work and would release that stress on me saying how stressed from work they are and will pick on small things I did that I didn’t even do wrong either. This will also lead to bad physical and mental abuse. I’ve never recalled a time my parents complimented me or tell me how much they loved me, instead they would say a lot of bad things about me and criticize me every day. Their excuse was “if you can’t handle criticism from us, then there is no way you’ll get through criticism from society.” Yet now I’m an adult and I’ve never gotten as much criticism in society for the past few years compared two one week at home. This also caused me to become really insecure about myself and always blaming, criticizing, and doubting myself. They also never communicate with me or sat me down to talk about my day. Except the only time they talk to me was when I did something wrong or they’re stressed. At first I wanted to understand why they’re like that or I want to do something to make them satisfied or feel better but in the end I started not to care. Instead I began only caring about explaining myself and easily shutting down when arguments occur. My parents also taught me, ever since as a kid, to never trust anyone not even my best friend and future boyfriend/husband. They’ll tell me how they’ll all betray me and no one will take me seriously or want to actually be friends with me. That they only be friends with me to use me.

So fast forward and now I’m in college and I have my first boyfriend. He’s really patient, loving, caring, and kind. There were times I get really insecure thinking he would leave me one day, but also having a fear of abandonment. A lot of past experiences and feelings make me feel really insecure and scared in this relationship when I shouldn’t have. We were perfect on days when we don’t argue but when we do, it always becomes really bad because of my lack of communication. I get really emotional and all I care about is to explain myself, yet what he wants is me to listen to him and make him feel heard. I feel really bad because I hurt him because of my past trauma that had nothing to deal with him. I also doubt his love for me a lot because I always tell myself I don’t deserve to be loved or no one would love me which he reassures me a lot but I still always deny. Now we broke up but he still wants to wait till I heal so we can start again. I know I hurt him a lot so I become hesitant but now I want to heal for him but I need advice on how to best heal from past traumas.

Thank you. Sorry if this is too long