No respect, no decency, no inhibitions, no intimacy, no communication, no care, no sex...
In my 30s here... Been having grave issues with my wife for the past two years. Partly to blame the relationship between my parents and her, with me ending up refereeing their viewpoints of each other. We both went through a mutual loss of a close relative of hers after which her mental and general downfall stepped in and took over... She doesn't respect me, doesn't listen, doesn't value, doesn't care, doesn't get intimate except on veeeeeery rare occasions and mostly to be over with it. She curses me quite often, my parents too quite often, she's not ever to be blamed for something and wishes that I get run over in the road for her to be relieved from me. She's currently working only 1 day per week - her choice - at a local bar, through which she's gotten close to people I don't know and people potentially dangerous for her and our family (and kids) in general (me and her mother are sending her career openings quite often but she is extremely selective and unwilling to put back into the oar even though I am very open in helping her out any way I can). She exchanged very intimate messages with some of her alleged friends (be that *** or *** or clients from the bar in the recent past, always deletes her messages very often and denies my access to them whereas when I hand her my phone over for eg ordering food delivery or looking something up (settings eg) she goes through my messages in every single platform while at it without asking first and blaming me for her "findings" no questions asked. I have financial difficulties even though I am currently working for 4th year straight in a previously steady job and then there is our kids caught in the middle of all this with me literally striving for providing them the best of everything possible and her showing only part time available to them... Sex life? Well that was a thing before marriage, mostly early in our relationship before relationship clouds gathered above us... I can go on almost indefinitely but it's probably better not to... I have been thinking about divorcing but I want to barricade my psychology first before going any further with life changing choices... Ideas? Advice? Anything else on faulty perspective?
@STheBlue
Sounds like she has no respect of emotional connection to you. She is using you to support her new lifestyle most likely flirting or else with patrons of bar life. she might snap out of it with a dose of reality.
Find time both of you can communicate what marriage is to both of you. including respect and a sex life. Perhaps if she is only about being roommates instead of spouses then set it up ......make an agreement about what she can pay for of the joint bills.
You could consult a divorce lawyer to ask about how it would look financial and custody wise. Once she is clear you are not going to be taken for a fool she will need to make up her mind.
She will need to pay ... rent or mortgage... and bills if you leave ........she will need to pay for her life... maybe get a real 5 day steady job. Her playing single one day a week will be gone.
Depending on your kids age be upfront with them if you maybe splitting up.
Thanks for your response! Well... I am willing to try really hard to get back together with her as we were up to a point in our shared life. Divorce is a still distant - but very real option for me right now and I still don't fall for her stating she'd divorce me if she had the money for it.. Oh! And my personal favorite: says her actions and responses are following my own and my "having turned into an a*hole" - as she so delicately puts it... Plus... She's quite negative to the idea of couple therapy stating I am the one with the problem here. (I am currently actively searching for affordable / free therapy options as I have done quite a few times every now and then but much more determined this time...)
@STheBlue
What is she afraid of in joint counseling? most who refuse and say it is their partners issue are not wanting to own their behavior. I found asking my spouse specific example of why they think i am being an a *hole ...and example of what type of item was aggravating them. if they have specifics that you can work on great .... if they have generalities and negativity it is them being unhappy with life and just blaming a partner IMO
While you may not take her serious, if she states it again maybe talking about the real consequence of divorce.... split assets/ split custody? who is moving out etc? ..
I have known many who acted as they wanted to be single etc .......They found out quickly life is a lot different after divorce.
In her mind she will stay in HER house (actually passed on to her in a percentage by her parents - grandparents) and I move out, she keeps the kids and I see them when we agree to and she wants half the car we bought as used together at our marriage... I wish I knew but also fear it somehow that if she really had the money to she actually would file for a divorce...
@STheBlue
Hello. Being a listener here, I am not supposed to give you any specific advice, because you are the expert on your life and it is only you who knows all the important details. But...
I can't find any faulty perspectives here...
It looks like your partner thinks she is a teenager again, and you are the one who might let her grow up (the above suggestions by toughTiger6481 sound very convincing to me).
Apart from one thing: Seeing the situation from the observer's perspective, it may look your parents might have too much influence on your marriage. As far as I understand they did not support your decision to be with this woman? But still, your parents-to-child relationship with your parents, and your partner-to-partner relationship with your wife are separate beings, and I believe it is not recommended to mix them up.
You are a partner and a son, but separately, so I believe you should not be a mediator or a negotiator between your parents and your wife. It is just you and her. No one else (the same is for your parents and for the guys in the bar, anyone else than two people and their kids is an unwelcomed guest into a marriage).
I am sorry, but the idea of your mother looking for a job for your wife doesn't look healthy at all. Maybe it was better if your mother respected healthy boundaries of your relationship. And, first of all, maybe your wife should try to be adult, thinking about her relationship, raising your children and finding a job to pay the bills (rather than looking for a chance to cheat on you).
Maybe it's time you should start to expect (things like honesty and making for living on equal terms), not only accept anything?
Hi there and thanks for your insights!
My parents sure haven't been a positive influence in my marriage and yes, they didn't want her for me (curiously enough with some solid reasons which I chose not to emphasize or focus on while we were together...) she poses as single quite often to strangers... And to others as divorced or going through bad stuff in marriage... She's an internet and social media addict and I can't possibly get her to see it or address it... She got back to smoking which after long efforts she'd ceased to... She's a Cola addict and her sleeping patterns are like sh*t... Her mood swings?? Don't get me started on this one!
@STheBlue
Sounds like your parents do not believe very much you can make choices which are long-term good and nurturing to you. Can you?
The bright side of this is probably the fact you can count on their suport in case of divorce?
As parents tend to do here in Greece they interfere with their children's relationships. Wanting the best for them they end up messing it all up quite many times over.... The bad side here is that in case of divorce they end up saying "I told you" instead of actually supporting you... Which is one of the reasons why I would hate to divorce... I am not saying choosing to share my life with that person was the best choice of my life but in the end it was my choice and I am willing to support it to the end...
