Need help/advice
I'm m37 my wife f38, we separated 6 months ago and both slept with other people, we're trying to fix things now but the way she told me has really stuck & im struggling with anxiety & depression aswell, how do I get past this feeling of inadequacy?
So we were just starting to sort things out & at this point she knew l'd slept with 2 other people, she came home drunk and ask me to have sex with her cause she's ***, which I replied not whilst your drunk, you might regret it tomorrow, also which I found out later with the intention to meet another guy in a hotel the next day, I did say l'd sort her out as I didn't want her going elsewhere, I love her and wanted to get things back on track, so whilst I was initiating foreplay she asked me why I won't have sex with her & I said cause I've slept with other people & id like us to get tested first & your drunk, she relied "well I *** a guy on holiday last week", whilst I'm currently in the process of relieving her urges, as you can imagine that sent my head into overdrive, I asked questions I didn't want to know the answers too ie was he bigger & better than me which she replied yes, she regrets this now cause she was drunk but it's really rattled me to the point where I can no longer get a proper ***, I feel so small & inadequate, then to make things worse I saw messages on our shared computer to her friend ( admittedly it was while we were separated) about a guy she was planning on meeting & how big he was & how she wants him to destroy her p***y, this had added to my insecurity that l'm just never going to be able to satisfy her like she's had already, I don't believe I'm that small but I can't help but feel 2nd best now & I worry when we do have sex she's imagining it him, how do I shake this feeling, it literally kills me, I love my wife dearly & just want feel like I'm enough for her ☹️
@ceejay37
It's clear you're going through a very challenging and painful time right now. Feeling inadequate and struggling with insecurities after learning about your wife's experiences can be extremely difficult to cope with. Here are some thoughts and advice that might help you navigate through this:
Communicate Honestly: It's important to have open and honest conversations with your wife about how you're feeling. Express your emotions calmly and let her know the impact her words and actions have had on you. It's crucial to communicate without blaming each other but rather focusing on understanding and healing together.
Seek Support: Consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in relationships and intimacy issues. Talking to a professional can provide you with a safe space to explore your feelings, gain perspective, and learn coping strategies.
Focus on Yourself: While repairing your relationship is important, it's equally vital to prioritize your own well-being. Take time to engage in self-care activities that help you feel more grounded and confident. This could include exercise, hobbies, meditation, or spending time with supportive friends and family.
Address Sexual Health: If you and your wife decide to resume intimacy, getting tested for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) together can help alleviate concerns and rebuild trust. Ensure you both feel comfortable and safe before proceeding.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: It's natural to have intrusive thoughts about comparisons or inadequacy, but try not to dwell on them. Challenge negative self-talk by reminding yourself of your worth and strengths. Focus on what you bring to the relationship and the positives you can build together.
Set Boundaries: While it's important to be open, also set boundaries around discussing past sexual experiences if it triggers intense negative emotions. Agree on what information is helpful for healing and what might be best left in the past.
Give Yourself Time: Healing from feelings of inadequacy takes time. Be patient with yourself and your emotions. Allow yourself space to process and gradually work towards rebuilding trust and intimacy with your wife.
Remember, you deserve to feel valued and respected in your relationship. It's okay to seek help and take steps to address your concerns. Focus on what you can control and work towards fostering a healthy, supportive connection with your wife moving forward.🤗