Need Advice for Relationship Difficulties
I recently moved to Canada from the US a couple months ago and am now living with my boyfriend of 2 years. He's in the military and is about to go on his second deployment within the last year in a month and a half. I'll be starting school in 2 weeks and recently started a new job, am responsible for the majority of the caretaking in the house cleaning up after myself, my partner, our cat, and my partner's two roommates.
I'm really stressed out with everything going on and tend to go silent or say very little when I'm stressed or upset, but try to be understanding of my boyfriend who doesn't like when I'm silent. He wants me to talk about how I feel all the time so he can "figure out how to fix the problem," but when I try to tell him what upsets me (which has been some of his habits and behaviors lately), he tells me I'm not being sensitive enough of his feelings and that I don't think before I speak.
He's aggressive towards others and jumpy with arguments and loud noises, complains about work all the time, barely lets me get a word in edgewise when we have conversations, has a lax attitude towards his roommates who leave messes and the smell of weed in the house, requires me to be independent when he's deployed and then wants me to rely on him when he's home, and only does things for me and the house when I ask him to do it otherwise he's playing video games.
We recently had an argument because I was stressed out from starting my new job and had already told him that I don't like to talk about work. He asked me to not worry about chores and to rely on him and ask him if I need help with anything. I told him it didn't matter because he's going to be away for 2 and a half months soon and I can't rely on him when he's gone and he got upset when I told him that. He then proceeded to tell me that I "go for the jugular" when I'm stressed and that I say hurtful things to him, but to me I simply speak from observation and fact. I told him it didn't matter if I tell him if I had a bad day or need help because he's already demonstrated that he can't handle me telling him about my bad days or complaining about things and that he's just going to tell me that I have to figure things out myself.
All of this has left me confused, angry, defeated, and depressed. I feel like I'm not good enough and that I can never do anything right. While I don't like to use it as an excuse, I also left a lot behind for him; my family, my town, my country...everything I've ever known. Now I'm going to be by myself in a country I stepped foot in for the first time 4 months ago while working, going to school, and taking care of our house and our cat. I don't know how to approach him anymore without either hurting his feelings or pushing my own feelings and boundaries aside so he doesn't feel attacked.
Any advice is welcome and thank you for reading my rant.
@madsnh02 hello there. i am kate, it's nice to meet you.
it sounds like your partner's words don't exactly align with his actions. for example, when he tells you that he wants you to be open with him but when you do so and it's related to him he gets defensive. it also sounds like he doesn't consider your own feelings while expecting from you to always consider his. it is definitely a very difficult situation and i can understand that it is taking a toll on you.
i believe giving each other a chance to discuss the matter will be helpful for the situation. if you notice him getting defensive and trying to somehow put the 'blame' on you and turn the conversation 'against' you, that in itself should be enough to show what kind of a person you are dealing with. if on the other hand the conversation goes well, then that's good! how you proceed to handle things after the conversation overall though is up to you. but what do you think? is that something that you'd like to try out?
@KateDoskocilova Thank you so much for your perspective. I definitely want to talk things out with him, and I have about other things in the past and it's gone well. I just need to catch him at the right time since he tends to get more defensive when he's also stressed with work and his anxiety. I was thinking I could introduce the topic of a weekly check-in, where we each check-in on how the other is feeling and have the opportunity to air out any issues or difficulties.
Thank you for your help, and I hope you have a wonderful day!
@madsnh02 that sounds like a very good idea!! i really hope it goes well for you :)
OK it sounds like he is frustrated often by a lot of things and those frustrations make him argumentative and defensive.
Him being in the military is going to require him to be away from your relationship for long periods of time. That seems to be one of the immediate obstacle in your relationship. Obviously that means your going to have to learn to do without him while he’s gone, and there’s no way around that unless he changes his career. I think neither of you expects him to do that, but it doesn’t change the fact that it will make things very emotionally challenging for you to have a partner that is constantly away, and that you are left to do all the maintenance on the house by yourself. Added to this the fact that you moved countries for him, that you left your life and family behind to do this, so in many ways there’s plenty of reasons why you might be feeling stress and resentment at his handling of the situation and your reasonable complaints right now. For him - when he goes into "problem solving mode" and wants to think about solutions; but if the things you complain about he has NO SOLUTION for, such as his being away on deployment and you being left alone , he might feel defensive about that and lash out somewhat because he feels it is not something he can do anything about. The more a man is focused on ACTION and SOLUTIONS (such as soldiers very often are) the more they hate feeling helpless, hate situations where they cant take action.
Even if it’s taken for granted that he’s going to be in the military for the time being, it doesn’t mean he should neglect his duties and responsibilities to you WHILE he’s home. If anything he should be doubling his efforts to make the most of the time he has with you before he leaves, and should be more conscious of your situation and everything you already sacrificed to be there with him.
Instead it seems a lot like he takes you for granted (with the chores at least). it seems like he thinks youve left your life behind, so even if he takes advantage of you somewhat youre not going to leave or go anywhere.
I think the first part of living together is always the most difficult as you are both establishing new expectations and boundaries, and discovering each others flaws and bad habits. But its also an opportunity to communicate your needs and to understand whether this situation is going to work, whether he is the right person for a future with, to see if he is capable of meeting your needs.
Try appealing to that sense of action in him, appeal to his need to be needed. Say "Honey, Im struggling today, it would be a huge help to me if you helped me tidy the living room a little while I vacuum the house". You also need to show him that you have boundaries, that you love and care for him, but that you need to be respected and not just taken for granted. If your relationship is going to survive the long periods that he is away, he needs to show you just what exactly you sacrificed everything for - Did you move countries just to be his personal maid and fight with him all the time? NO. He needs to show you some reasons why all of this is worth it, especially since its only going to get harder over time and it wont happen if all he does is play video games.
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