Lonely
Physical touch deprived. Wife hasn't kissed or hugged me in over a year. Silent treatment. In home separated. This is not at all what I pictured marriage to be like. I miss it. Yet can't do anything about it. We've talked about things. But it doesn't help.
Physical comfort is a basic emotional need that seems to be missing from your life right now. It is very understandable that this is something you didn’t picture in your mind when you married. It seems like communication has also not allowed for a compromise to help you meet your needs. It must be frustrating and lonely to feel like you have someone that matters but she doesn’t feel comfortable or maybe even vulnerable enough to offer you touch. The silent treatment makes it worse as it feels like she is punishing you for having basic needs. If you are willing to share, what have your conversations with her been like?
Frustrating and angering for her. And for me. I'm always seeking reassurance. Super anxious when I need to talk to her or want to. Our conversations have usually been her talking and me listening. She doesn't want to hear me right now because nothing I say is new to her. She doesn't trust me. And I've made it very clear to her that I need to be touched or desire it. Nothing. And I've also made it clear that the silent treatment is hurting me. But she doesn't seem to care. Our conversations are few and far between.
It sounds like communication is really not at a good place right now. She doesn’t seem receptive to your perspective and trying to push it just makes things worse.
I am sorry to hear that she doesn’t seem to care about your feelings. The silent treatment really can hurt a lot. It can be difficult to navigate these conversations. It seems like you made your need/desire very explicitly to your partner, but perhaps from her perspective, she feels pressured or frustrated at your request because she has her own baggage or reasons to not want to engage. If the core of the issue is trust, but she is unwilling to engage in actions with you to repair trust, then it doesn’t matter how sincere and genuine you are trying to be with her, it might just be a block on her side. On the other side, it seems like the relationship has triggered feelings of anxiety within you that you seek reassurance for. Is it possible that this reassurance seeking has also pushed a sense of distrust between you two or is it the other way around, the lack of trust on her side prompted your anxiety. How does this reassurance seeking impact your communication and relationship?
I believe that my constantly seeking reassurance and getting into conversations with her about our relationship has been detrimental. Unfortunately this pattern has been going on for a long time. Years in fact. And so I seek reassurance because I am fearful. I'm afraid she is going to choose someone else over me. And through that I inevitably push her away further. So, I am working on just being me. Being secure in who I am. But the constant lack of communication and care is taking it's toll on me and my mind. And also the lack of physical touch abd intimacy is driving me crazy. She has no problem sharing her thoughts, emotions and hugs with her guy friends (when she sees them) but I get nothing on a regular basis.
You made a very self aware statement about your own understanding about seeking reassurance. It’s important to work on being you—I agree with that wholeheartedly. It’s common to be afraid of losing someone, but it’s important to also work on feeling a sense of security inside of you so that your relationship is also secure. Otherwise, it seems that there may be a self fulfilling prophecy. The lack of communication is frustrating and the lack of physical touch can make it feel quite threatening to not having something secure. Have you talked to your partner about your insecurities? What has she said in response?
She talks. I listen. I have either gotten hurt by her. Cried a lot. But lately I've been just silent as she's talking. Or agreeing on the points that are true. But mostly she's right and I'm wrong. And I dug myself in deeper by engaging in any emotional conversations with her. Or anything pertaining to our future together. Yet she still wants me here at the house. Yet won't talk to me.