I want to heal to work our relationship out I don't want to overthink anymore
I have been stressed recently with our relationship and it's mostly because of my overthinking. We're doing long distance right now and it's been hard, I have been overthinking about small stuff or get's frustrated about small stuff like, him forgetting to call etc. and I always open up about my feelings and how I'm hurt, and our main problem now is him showing and being less affectionate towards me because he's really busy with university and his work, and sometimes I feel that he just don't bother making an effort with me, which is I know is not the case and he reassured me about it but I can't help but overthink. We had the peak talk just the other day, cause I really wanted to stop the negative stuff that I was feeling and to like try to completely stuff about me pointing out about it even though we already had muktiple talks. At the end of the conversation we told each other how we still love each other very much and he still sees the future with me and doesn't want to lose me and talked about the improvements we should do, "but" from now on he would like to see in the following weeks if we can work it out, and now I am so scared and I've been feeling anxious about how he said "but" because he hasn't done it before he would always say he's sure of me and we would be together and he would not let go, but now there is a "but". He said he's still sure of me now and the "but we will see if it will work out" doesn't mean he's not. I just don't know anymore I've been feeling so miserable today and crying from time to time because I'm scared and anxious.
@Mokuro
HI there. I relate a lot to your post.
I too became very stressed about how my over thinking was affecting my relationship. My partner also started to feel overwhelmed by my fears and anxieties and to back off. But things are slowly improving. So I want to give you hope that it is possible.
The trick for me was to realise that trying to stop the "over thinking" was making things worse. I had to realise that the stuck thinking was my brain trying to solve something. And I needed to listen to it, not try to block it.
I think you are part way there. You acknowledge that you are afraid and anxious. Acknowledging these things is incredibly brave and helps take their power away. I used some techniques from panic attacks when I felt the anxiety building. Like the AWARE process. The principles of mindfulness can also help. And validating my feelings. It is OK to be scared. It is OK to make mistakes.
Ultimately you perhaps need to look into those fears. What exactly do you fear and why? In my case it was fear of not being good enough. Do you believe you are good enough to deserve your partner? I hope so. I also had to accept that those fears were mine to solve. And that it was unhelpful to expect my partner to solve them for me. It sounds so obvious, but I was doing it anyway.
It's not easy. Really looking hard at yourself is painful and not for everyone. Long distance relationships are always hard because communication is more challenging. But they maybe also give some space and time for the former?
My motto was to Keep trying. Keep getting it wrong. And then try something different. Eventually I find the right way for me. And hopefully everything works out. But if it doesn't, at least I know I tried and have learnt lots of helpful skills along the way.
Best wishes.
