Incompatible but want to make it work
Hi, I'm already married but my husband and I are having our actual wedding in about a month. And I am noticing some big incompatibility issues (I think he is too). We are mutually frustrated with each other but there is still a sense of love if that makes sense. The main problem I have with him is he easily gets angry or overly heated when we argue/have disagreements, whereas I've expressed many times that I don't communicate well like that and its hard for me to open up to him when I fear how he'll respond/overreact and don't want to start arguments. Every disagreement doesn't have to be an argument. I shut down when people are loud or yell at me or make me feel like what I'm saying is stupid, and end up just agreeing with him out of not wanting to make things worse.
Anyway, I saw a *** recently and made a list of things I want in my ideal married life (monetary things like big house, traveling, gifts but also emotional things like peace, laughter, not to be judged, romance, psychological safety) and then wrote Y for yes and N for no if he would be able to give me those things. It was pretty split: 28 total things I wrote with 14 Ns and 14 Ys. I personally think this means I will be happy and unhappy 50% of my marriage, but never truly satisfied with him. But I want so desperately to be satisfied in our marriage.
I'm wondering if I should tell him i did this list thing or that I've been feeling feelings of incompatibility. Also wondering if he should make a list and we talk about both of our lists and what we can do to be better for each other... Any advice or thoughts would be tremendously appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read <3
@Chester31224 Hey! I would like to mention that I'm not an expert on this, so please take this with a grain of salt.
It sounds like you're going through a challenging time in your marriage, and thank you so much for seeking advice and support. I think it's normal to have disagreements and differences in relationships, but it's important to find healthy ways to communicate and understand each other. Talking openly and honestly about your concerns can help build a stronger connection.
If you feel comfortable, discussing your list with your husband can be a good starting point. It can be an opportunity for both of you to understand each other's needs and work towards a happier marriage. Remember, open and respectful communication is key. Personally, I tend to make my communication follow a structured template, like "Lately, I feel ..... I feel that because ..... I think it will be helpful if you can ..... so I can feel ... because ...." It might also be helpful to consider seeking professional guidance from a couples therapist who can provide expert advice tailored to your specific situation.
Take care of yourself, and remember that your feelings matter. Surround yourself with supportive people who can provide guidance and love. I'm sending you lots of positivity and support during this time ❤️
