I love him but I miss being single
I know that I sound horrible from the title, but have been struggling so much the past 3/4 months with thoughts of wanting to be single.
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now and I really do love him. Our personalities work together so well and he is so easy to talk to. But I can't help but have these awful intrusive thoughts of wanting to be single. I miss the thrill of being 16-18 when I would casually flirt with people, the silly little dates I would go on, the nerves of meeting someone for the first time, or even the thrill of meeting up with someone knowing full well that we were going to sleep together. I don't miss anyone in particular, I just miss all those feelings and nerves. I don't feel bored of my boyfriend, but I just feel bored of not being able to do any of that.
Before any of you ask, no I have not and will not ever cheat. Although I have these thoughts, I would never act upon them unless I was actually single. Instead, I have to live vicariously through my friends or through books and movies. But it just isn't satisfying my feelings. It's as if I desperately crave the freedom and unknown of being single.
I'm starting to fear that maybe I love him, but I'm not in love with him. Maybe the media glorifies true love too much, but I don't feel that same infatuation that is described in movies and books. We are a medium distance relationship, living 5 hours away from one another, so I'm not sure if it's just that I only see him every other month, but even so, I don't miss him how I should miss him. I want to see him, of course, but I never sit around and MISS him. I don't feel that at all. Sometimes if my insomnia is really bad one night, then I'll miss having him stroke my hair or scratch my back, but it's more so that I miss him doing that rather than missing him. I'm always excited when we have a date set to see eachother, and I'm happy in his presence, but I just don't know if that's enough, if maybe there should be more to it than just enjoying his company every now and then.
All of these feelings about wanting to be single and my feelings towards him in general make me think that maybe I'm just not cutout for relationships. I can't imagine myself being deeply in love with someone. I just don't think my brain is wired to love someone so intensely and for so long.
I just don't know what to do. I don't know if this is a sign to break up with him, or if this is just me getting in my own head. I would be very upset to break up with him, however I would also be free again. I would have my independence back, something which I have been craving for months now.
Any advice would be really wonderful, thank you so much for taking the time to read through this.
@metanoicbloom
I feel too many people think love is something so all encompassing that you would not be able to be apart etc.. I think that is way over blown ...you can love him and still not have to be missing him 24/7. I wonder how many people break up or go looking because they think they do not have the right feelings.
For a few years my spouse traveled for work and not everyday did i sit and miss him and we zoomed every night and frankly sometimes i had things to do and was bored waiting for the call. sometimes when i had job things going on i forgot he was gone until i got home and ate alone. Ate whatever i wanted not making his favorites all the time etc.
did it change our relationship nope we were happy when we were together anticipated his trips home or my trips to see him on the road. Being together and happy when we are bit grown enough to be apart was good for us. i grew more independent and he grew too....we can have our independence and a loving partner, in fact i feel it helps.
the intense can not think of being apart is short bursts in a long term relationship. the intense feelings are replaced with a quiet knowing you have a partner who has your back. the burst can be at first and when life moments happen. I know this might NOT help you but i can understand your post and only you can decide but please do not place it on not feeling what movies and books make it seem like.