I just don’t know what to think anymore

Sorry not very familiar with the app, this is also posted in another community.

My husband and I both have some trama in our childhood.

My husband says he only has two emotions happy or mad.

I think at times I suffer from depression and anxiety. Currently I feel nothing (maybe it is the best time to tell things as emotions are left out)

We have been married over 10 years. A couple years ago while holding a knife he threatened to stab me if I ever yell at him again. (I did not think I had yelled, but I probably had raised my voice as he kept asking the same question over and over.)

Beginning of this year when his mom was visiting, he was mad at me for not responding to her fast enough so made a fist and you could tell he restrained himself and only tapped me with it under the table. He used to say things like "well I've never hit you" "you know some women get beat by their husbands"

A month after the fact he informed me (and only because his friends told him it was cheating) that when he took a solo trip out of the country and went to the strippers he did activities (no private parts but did include kissing the body, chocking ) that I see as cheating he does not as he did not have sex.

Since he has asked permission to bring someone into our bed or go to a lady of the night himself as he is not happy I'm his first/only. I had said no a couple weeks ago. But now I'm just tired of it being brought up and said he can.

He says he wants to work on our relationship: willing to do therapy etc. But then when I said maybe try two months and if we need help go then and he said no. He also was questioning when I said that I think I will try to go to therapy.

Itold him the other night when we asked how I was feeling that "I feel the world has nothing to offer me and I have nothing to offer the world" (giving up on life) he replied "You need to grow up and never say anything like that to me again"

He wants me to work on my health always asking

"What is wrong with you?" When I actually find something that may be wrong and want to ask the doctor about it he accuses me of jumping down rabbit holes on tictok (he is the one that even sent me the one tictok about it)

When we talk about trying to heal our relationship it is almost exclusively about what I need to do. He might say he agrees to trying something like weekly check ins, etc. Then next he will disagree and say I just need to start fixing it and start doing what he needs.

Though not everybody knows even this much I have been told I need to be more understanding of my husband, My husband is abusive, my husband is loyal and honest and I need to stop being selfish and just thinking about me.

l just do not know and feel so alone.