I don’t know what to do anymore !!
I have been married for a little over 5 years now to someone who has been my best friend for over a decade. I often find myself thinking we should have just stayed friends because there is no emotional connection between us beyond a friendship level. My husband does not seem interested or able to have a deep emotional connection beyond friendship and I have felt like my need for emotional connection has been neglected for years. He is a stonewaller and any time I have ever tried to have a meaningful conversation/discussion argument he completely shuts down and has nothing to say but “ok yeah” ect. He doesn’t have input to add to a conversation or discussion if it is anything intimate or personal. Like if you don’t feel comfortable talking about it with any of your friends, he shuts down and won’t have that conversation with me. I’ve felt alone most of our marriage and have been physically alone a large portion of it as well due to his job. He has not cheated on me but he also does not put in effort into knowing me or having a relationship. We have always been more like roommates with occasional spells of good times.
it all really started going downhill a few years ago and I have tried to be there for him through the personal issues that he was dealing with. He always claims he is content and satisfied for the most part in our relationship but I am always left feeling empty. We have tried different counseling options and he doesn’t add hardly anything to the conversation and does not follow through with putting in effort to keep the counseling going. He doesn’t do his share of the work. It’s been like this for as long as I can remember.
a little over a year ago we had a baby and he was working out of town. I had a very difficult delivery (almost called a code blue an hour after delivery from losing 3 liters of blood) and had to go into emergency surgery a week later for a retained palcenta and blood transfusions as I was entering heart failure from additional blood loss and not recovering from delivery. After that traumatic experience, I went through a log of postpartum mood issues and was really trying to tell him about it but he just would tell me “i must enjoy being this way/being mean/ect.” If I’d have a moment of breakdown during those first few months. I was begging for him to talk with me and have been for years. I have racked my brain on all kinds of ways to help him know how to make me feel loved and valued and anything I have tried has been fruitless. A few months after our son was born I told him I felt our marriage was heading towards a place we couldn’t come back from and I was concerned. A few months after that I mentioned a divorce which he then confessed he thought about divorce a few weeks after our son was born because he couldn’t handle the pressure of being a husband, dad and going to work full time. He didn’t ever say anything to me up until this point and claims it was just a thought but here we are over a year later from the time he first thought of divorce and there hasn’t been any meaningful improvement in our relationship. He has been going to therapy on his own and is in a fatherhood program and is becoming a better dad but there is no effort put into me. I could go on and on about how I feel but it all comes down to me being alone and feeling unloved, unknown and kind of pushed aside and forgotten.
after trying everything I know of, there’s no real change and the asked for a divorce. Then he claims he doesn’t want a divorce and thought we were doing good ect. He talks me into staying and 4 months since then we are still in the same place. I told him I am no longer feeling the same way I felt about him and I didn’t know if i honestly could ever get that back. I have lost all of my respect for him in the process and I don’t see him as a husband and am no longer attracted to him in that sense. We filled out a questionnaire about our relationship and how we see it and when we compared answers, we were in two totally different worlds. I was honest and upfront about my hurt and he made it like it was mostly all fine and dandy. Which I don’t understand because we don’t live the life as he described it— both as a couple and individually so I don’t know how he thinks of it that way. When I asked himwhat a good reason to stay would be, he said he was afraid of the unknown and being alone.
im in a tough spot because i honestly don’t know that I can ever recover from this and how hollow I have felt for so long going through this marriage with someone who stonewalls and is so emotionally unavailable. But I also feel sad leaving my best friend of a decade. I don’t know what to do. We are not in a healthy relationship and it seems we just can’t fix it. I feel like I’ll be seen as a failure and quitter if we do get a divorce and I don’t really feel deserving of someone else because I feel broken, empty and used. Not to mention hideous. He says staying in the remnants of our relationship is better than being alone but I’m not convinced. I find myself on the fence saying I deserve to feel loved and cherished and I deserve to have my needs for emotional connection met, but on the other side I am thinking are you really going to risk what you have now for the unknown? Like what if I give this all up just to be alone and single anyways.
I don’t know what to do or how even to begin to figure it out. I have little help because my husband doesn’t say much about it. He is upset but he can’t seem to say things when words are needed.
@placidPineapple1350
So many of us in similar shoes ..... it is hard to look back and see or feel how we once felt. When we lose the the emotional connection to our spouse is not as attractive to us.... just like when we meet someone and they are not attractive on first sight but when we get to know them deeper we find them more attractive.
So many men seem content in a distant and just existing relationship instead of being alone.... so many men not taught or comfortable with discussing their feelings either... It is encouraging I think that your spouse is seeking therapy for himself.
I know it will sound corny and may not be what you want to hear but feeling good about yourself ... for yourself is a game changer. find a hobby/ exercise programs really help with self reflection to set a goal and hit it for yourself. I changed my hair did all the things like I was preparing to be on the dating market.... not for that but for myself.
My spouse had pulled away from me because his medical issues left him unable to have a physical relationship ... For many men the physical is how they connect..... i felt unloved / unwanted and ugly and when I found a way to see it is not true..... and be happy with myself in the mirror and more important in how i carried myself .......... I did not let his attitude or lack of connection bother me so much............. NOW he is worried and sees it as a threat ....my feeling confident and attractive .... he used to be like "whatever" when word Divorce had been spoken NOW he is freaked out.
We hold on in our minds .... all the times they let us down or said something hurtful and they never even acted like it was mean or rude ........this creates barriers and hurdles to ever seeing a way back.
We do not understand how they see the marriage......... in a total different light then we do........we can step back and try to see his frame of reference and how he perceives the world or marriage ..
The confidence to leave or stay ......both are unknown roads and both could be rocky. We can make better decisions and consider all the pros and cons when we are in a good place with ourselves.
I decided yesterday that I would prioritize myself for the first time and focus on who I want to be, because in the end that is the only thing I can control. It’s hard and going to take work but I think for once I deserve it. It’s weird being in this limbo and I wish I could just get some kind of clue on the best way to go.
@placidPineapple1350
We all wish we had a better way to go but there seems to be no GPS on the path in life.... we take exits and make u turns and questions on every what if ...... but the thing is every good or bad section of life we go through is growth and change.
I wish you the best and that you follow your path.
@placidPineapple1350You go for it girl! Remake yourself, It's amazing how a few small changes can boost one's self confidences. A new dress, a swagger when you walk, feels great!
Give it some time as your new you and see if he notices. If he doesn't then he will have to go the way of all useless appliances! I read too often of ladies making excuses for emotionally and physically lazy partners. Come on men, liven yourselves up a bit!
@placidPineapple1350
first off , hats off to your well described issue.
as someone who has been married off for 5 years , even though he does not know much about you? But based on your information about have you any idea even if he knows whether the other half of his life needs cheesy comments and suprises sometimes? does he know his responsibilities are not just limited to financial ? if not , did you tell him in those 5 yrs ( ask yourself , answering me is not important).
next part ,
as you described , he is full busy on weekdays and tired on weekends . for him or anyone you wish to choose in future , you will have to choose between a person with average salary or a businessman , only these two have time , rest are in the same boat.
do you both live with his family or alone ?
also when things get bad , dont people think of quiting everyone thats the same thought your husband had but didnt tell you cause he was not sure if it was a real feeling or he was thinking too much under pressure.
ok , here you talked about " We filled out a questionnaire about our relationship and how we see it and when we compared answers, we were in two totally different worlds"...was this questionaire given to you by a counsellor who concluded the results based on his experience . or you matched your answers literally. only close friends have same type of answers . only questions that showcase important part of life to be some matched is enough.
even though i am not allowed to showcase reality, lets say that you feel hollowed by his behaviour and would prefer to live life single , then i hope you must have arranged friend/a person that would talk to you each day for the next 40-50 yrs, cause that definately a must have that gives you energy . plus you must be having other problems after divorce that you know which might add to your frustration. its good idea to think about it.
if you are bored why not watch some k drama/ serials. anyways whatever you can decide
just add another 5-10 years to your current age and search the problems/ benefits associated with it
All the best,
Making good decision for yourself
skansly
I have definitely told him things about me and we have done things like the 5 love languages and different counseling apps and such that help you learn about eachother. All the lists, emails and letters I’ve written have disappeared and any of those couples counseling and apps he just doesn’t contribute to. The times he does contribute would be after he hurts my feelings, then after I’d tell him I was hurt and how I felt by something he did, he’d log on to his app and say he was feeling 0% loved. So somehow I’m the bad guy more often than not. He’s even had male friends try to step in and include him in a study they were doing and he agreed to it, then has never opened his workbook and never showed up to the meetings. I feel like there has been a lot of telling him what I need from him and he just doesn’t do anything and blames it all on his adhd, even though his therapist is telling him it’s not as much to do with his adhd as it does with him continuing to make the same choice of doing nothing every day.
we live alone and always have. He largely feels forgotten by his family and has taken more of a liking to mine. Which is another reason he doesn’t want a divorce because he would lose the family on my side who is more of a family to him than his own. I was so alone with my postpartum mood disorders and on top of that my dog of 12 years died of liver failure quite suddenly. That dog meant everything to me and when he passed all I got was a “there there…” and a one handed Pat on the shoulder.
the questionnaire was about how we covered the health of our relationship and pros and cons of staying and leaving. We matched our answers literally and my truth was nothing like his. It also made no sense because when I’d ask a question about an answer he wrote, he’d realize his answer doesn’t line up with the way he is living and he kept saying that the more he read my answers the more he felt his were “delusional” and more like what he wanted it to be instead of what it was. He tells me I’m better off without him and he needs to live alone to fix himself one day and the next he is saying don’t leave. I’m so confused and I feel like I’m being thrown around.
@placidPineapple1350,
it might be that he truly loves you but never learned how to express his feelings and his emotions. I find it interesting that he said he filled in the questionnaire how he wants to be, not how he is. He just, deep down, might be wanting to change, to be more self but doesn't know how, never learned. Like he's keeping up appearances and somehow is aware of that.
Have you ever considered relationship therapy? Finding a therapist you both can feel safe with? One that invites both of you to express feelings, for instance by looking back at past situations and saying how you feel now about those, without reliving them? To try to create mutual.understanding?
he has his own therapist he meets with and we have tried relationship therapy in the past and it’s one sided. He just shuts down and stonewalls when things come up. We have even tried having him think and reflect about things he might and come back to it when he is ready and it doesn’t change. We’ve tried letters and that also doesn’t work. So I’m not sure how else to communicate with someone who seems to not want to or just can’t communicate with me in any way we have ever tried.
@placidPineapple1350
its good that you did 5 love languages but as of today , is he even aware that love languages are important to sustain any relationship ( does any of his answers in questionaire show that, you might wanna check again).
the couples councelling apps and therapy comes at a very later stage , if he has still not understood . maybe its better for you to tell him directly that "love language is important part to sustain any relationship.he has put some work in expressing his love like giving flowers with few cheesy lines/a gift that he thinks will make you happy/ or a surprise note/pampering you for sometime/ or something along those lines" , but what is his love language , do you know?
even if he blames it on his adhd , you just need to ask him " will he stop putting effort in his job due to adhd , if no then he can definately put effort in other things too. its important for him to show 10-15% of the effort he shows for his job"
i am sorry for your dog.
moving on to questionaire , what does his answers tell you on how he covered the health of his relationship?
pros and cons are personal. do not compare you answers literally. either the questionaire is supposed to give an insight how one thinks or it helps to draw a conclusion by an expert in the field. didnt you ask him , how will he improve if there was no one to show his love language too, who will be the test subject while he improves?
do not think too much just for some time pull out your love language , we should rather say that you have the power to make him realise , what is a day without love language feel like, dont you?
