I don’t even know…
I’ve been married for almost 4 years…. And it’s been a whirlwind… full of traumatic events caused by me as well as my husband… he is mentally ill has depression and anxiety… and a heck of a temper and control issues… i am told I have bpd but in have my doubts…I lack that anger that explosive rage…. I avoid conflict and honestly have very little as far as a temper goes …
But I’m stressed I’ve been working 2 jobs to get my husband through school… he hasn’t worked since we got together….
Things have been hard, have always been hard, but I try hard to keep him happy, keep peace in the house… But I feel like I can never please him… I’m not domestic enough, I don’t clean correctly , I’m “sassy” disorganized and annoying…. I drive him crazy, but I try not to…I’ve looked for help before and was told he’s quite emotionally abusive…. Which honestly shocked me at first… then he told me her knew that as well…
over the past 4 years I’ve lost so much… My children want nothing to do with him or me anymore because of how he acts… and because he doesn’t let me out of his sight I haven’t seen them… and so the kids we have together don’t know their older siblings… it breaks me… my friends are no more… new ones I try to make make my husband very upset… My family is pretty gone too as well…. I’m so alone….
The last few weeks he has been trying hard to patch things up… he does this… things get better than worse and better and so on… I never know which way is up… I never feel emotionally safe and there is no way to talk to him about it without him becoming upset and seeing it as an attack on him….
i need help I need people…. Just someone that gets it. I mean I’m 40 I need to get myself together sometime soon….
Thank you for reading
@Inventiveday0411
Never out of his sight but you are woro o king 2 jobs for him to go to school.... does not like how you are doing things like cleaning etc and now has distanced you from friends/ family and your own kids....
This guy is a narcissist ... text book example .......
i know it is hard and they seem so nice when things go well but it is a never ending roller coaster from ***.....
if he has mental issues is he getting any treatment? any meds? if not he needs to get help for his issues having kids together you are forever tied to this person and not ever possible to leave him completely but you need to find an outlet and help because this is no way to live.
Thank you for responding…. It’s validating to hear I’m not crazy… This isn’t right… but I only realize it once and a while… Thank you for responding though… I’m not sure what to do but I think you might be right here maybe a narcissist…. He is on meds but won’t accept treatment from a professional so I feel like I’m at a loss…
@Inventiveday0411
How old are your older children? Can you try a trial separation? You can tell him that you just need a break and want to see your children. Some time apart can help you get some clarity and you can request marriage counseling as a condition for you returning.
@Inventiveday0411
It is not an option at this point you need to protect yourself and children if he wants to continue he will need some sort of counseling or intervention.
Are you afraid if you draw lines or boundaries he will flip out? if you have not already plan a exit/ money set aside place to go if needed etc.
my suggestion is to seek help yourself and tell family / friends what you are facing there is not shame we can not control who we love and sometimes they have serious flaws.... when cornered narcissist often get worse, before they get help.
He gets very upset… and has threatened to hurt himself… and did actually try but the way he did it failed (trying not to be too specific don’t want to be triggering for anyone)… anytime I’ve tried before… there panic stops me…. I remember what happened before and it’s like being paralyzed. All of a sudden I’m apologizing… taking it all back and begging for forgiveness… feeling horrible I made him feel so bad… it’s unbelievable… I just crumble. I’m trying to piece together a plan though… I know what I need to do… but even writing this there’s a sense of fear that he’ll find it and then what??? Facing what I’ve allowed to happen…. I just can’t believe I’ve allowed this to happen. I was strong i had a life…
I’m trying to think of how to talk to him. I almost feel as if what I want isn’t valid… That I’ll be asking too much and then upset him… god only knows the consequences…
i know I need to be strong… I know that this isn’t normal (that alone took some time…) how do you stop the panic so you can move forward?
@Inventiveday0411
the best move i know is to be strong and Not react they way he expects... if he can get you to beg for forgiveness and such... he knows how to work you.
Do you feel more comfortable writing to him ? when i dealt with my spouse years ago at first it was easy to write what i needed to say... it is hard to deal with some because the best planned conversation has too many what ifs.
Did he really fail at his self harm .....or did it just look like it as he had never intended to actually hurt himself?
He needs a wake up call that he is a role model for kids and even trying to hurt himself of such is sending a very bad message as well as not treating their mom right.
You know I never thought of that…. It looked so real in the moment…
the writing idea is a good idea the only problem is he will stonewall me.. I mean he does that in writing (like texting) and in verbal conversation as well… that does make me react… cause I feel abandoned and alone and like he doesn’t hear me… maybe that’s the bpd?? I often wonder if it’s bpd or if what I feel is real and valid… idk…
you are right… this isn’t the message I want to send to my babies I in my soul I know that is true
They are 21,20 and 15… the 15 year old is the one that hurts the most… she’s just gone… the older boys I’ll hear from but she’s just gone… I’ve thought about that honestly…. He can’t financially survive without me and I don’t want anyone to suffer… but id love to get my head together and get us help…
