I am at a loss - I am confused about my "relationship"?
Hi,
I feel really inadequate when I post here, I know a lot of people do but I feel self-conscious about it. I am not that young, I am a female in my 40's and I feel embarrassed. I know I should probably get therapy, but I always feel like I do not need it. However, currently, the way things have been or are going is that I am confused.
I have been trying to live my life in alignment with my values as much as possible, but I find it so hard to remain true to myself and I also at times feel like I don't want to be alone or lonely; I have been living alone for my whole life except for when I was with my original family while growing up, and a few roommates.
I am mostly ok dealing with things on my own or living alone, however, it's hard for me to ignore my ex boyfriend because he lives in the same town and area I live in. I recently decided to talk to him again, so I just reopened things up, even though he is away now for work for a few weeks. I guess I could be hard on myself and say that I should have never allowed this contact to happen again, but I don't feel like doing that.
I am truly in a position where I wish I could be closer to my original family, but I am not able to leave where I am now due to things outside of my control. I have looked into some options over the years to see if I could remedy the situation or leave, I also mentioned it to my family directly, but it's currently impossible, and was not possible to leave and I have to live far from my family.
So, the only solution I see right now is to try living my life in the present; I also started working on my own years ago, and not working in an office seemed to have made my life easier. I currently keep in touch with family via the internet, and when possible via phone. I have had to go visit them a few times in person. It's always heartbreaking because I cannot stay there, and I have to leave. I am finally accepting this circumstance, and I know this is the situation which I cannot change.
The only issue I am having is that I sometimes suffer from anxiety and depression and I feel like I am not completely content where I am, despite me trying to be. I sometimes feel like I am trapped and don't have options, but this is completely false. I know that I still have options, and that I should not give up on whatever dreams I can make come true. I unfortunately cannot achieve the dream that I originally wanted which was to leave, but maybe it just looks better, and easier to idealize something than see it for what it really is or would have been. In any case I have to stop thinking about it. I also thought that I may have already achieved a lot of my dreams, and for some time I was ok with the way things were going. Still, that doesn’t mean I stop wanting to learn more or explore.
Where I am now, it seems like my ex cannot let go of me, and aside from telling him how I feel, I hate to blame it all on him, but I feel powerless. It’s not the physical attraction but the personality. I am concerned that he is latching onto me for the wrong reasons. I can see why he would like me or be attracted but I just think it’s for the wrong reasons (him wanting to be in a relationship badly, him not exploring other options aside from me, him not really wanting to put the effort into meeting new people). Over the years, I have changed and I am no longer that person who believed I had to find a mate to be happy; I have accepted that the traditional idea of family is not something that happens for everyone, and I just thought that was my destiny, to find happiness in other life goals.
Now, my ex is still coming on strong. I do not really want to push him away, and I figure that if I allow it to happen it’s my fault. I had other opportunities to look into dating others in the past, and I failed to do so. I failed to go online, on the apps, going to events and meeting people especially since end of 2019 and the start of the pandemic; I isolated myself whether intentionally or not. I did not feel I was adequate or at the right point in life to meet someone, when I tried in previous years, I felt that people were judging me based on my job. My ex or current bf seems to accept me for who I am. I feel safe to be myself to some extent. He is not my ideal match, and doesn’t really give me everything or cannot give me everything or have everything I would like in a partner (he is a bit clingy, he is traditional and we have differing opinions and attitudes, and as far as personality, I do believe we are actually opposites), but I am wondering if I should try. Should I still try, or would I only be hurting myself and him in the process?
I am more of an introvert, someone who learned to take time to judge people and situations, and I used to be impulsive and prone to addictions and some minor forms of “ocd” if you will or some ocd or obsessive thinking. He is much more impulsive, he is loud, and somewhat “extroverted”, not very shy and not quiet like me. He’s generous with his money and time, and for the most part tries to please me and accommodate within his limits. We have some similarities, but let’s just say that I can see myself where I was many years ago and have grown out of it, whereas he remained a little immature and seems to have the traits that I once also had.
The other thing I wanted to mention is, he is intelligent, he is not highly educated, and I feel I get along better with those with whom I can have a somewhat more intellectual conversation. When I was growing up I thought that meant those people would be more stuck up or arrogant but it turns out that it’s much easier to have a conversation with someone who completed a higher education for me. I just get along with them better, they seem much more open-minded or at least easy to talk with, though that does not mean they are better people, just that the communication and goal-attainment in terms of needs is much better.
Also, he is from a different culture, and his idea of boundaries is not what it is in other cultures, but I don’t know if that should be used as an excuse, but I do feel this greatly affects some of his behaviors. The communication is not great, and I am not sure if I should try to distance myself as I have before. I just turned 45, and I know this will probably sound selfish but I am really really tired of being alone. It has nothing to do with being independent, as I know I am completely capable of being on my own, but given the choice between being continually single and with someone, I would rather be with someone.
@reliableWest8997 Therapists can be great guides for figuring out yourself and your relationships and there are therapists who specialize in developing and navigating romantic relationships.
It sounds like you already know that getting back together with your ex would only be because you don’t want to be alone, not because he’s your match. There were reasons you broke up in the first place. It sounds like you pretty much need to decide if being with someone who you know is not a good match for you is better than being alone. I guess that’s not very helpful but I think you’re the only one who can make that decision. If it makes you happy to be with him then be with him.
@reliableWest8997,
you are single now. That doesn't mean you will be continuously single.
Years ago, I was in a relationship with someone I liked, not loved. Looking back, I just didn't want to be alone and I get along with people fine though I would never fully open.
After that, I was single for years. Alone, not lonely. Tried online dating for a short while until I figured, why, so you can enter another relationship because you want one?
I stopped online dating. Met the love of my life, out of the blue, being her love of her life too.
Unfortunately, we separated, things happened , let's just say we still deeply love each other but she just can't anymore.
I met the love of my life and I am grateful for that. And hey, I was already old when we bonded, 48 (we waited 3 years).
Do not despair. Believe in you. Do not opt for a relationship because you do not want to be single. That never works, one of the main reasons why people break up or divorce, because we want to be with someone.
I found it interesting what you wrote about intellect and intelligent conversations.
I can chit chat but prefer deep genuine talks. And I can tell you, I am very intelligent but I've had deep talks too with people who dropped out of school at 14 or 15. People who have had a hard intense life. Smart people, people who have been around.
Take care, go for the one you love most, you.
@reliableWest8997
Hi,
I understand what u are going through, Loneliness can be hard. I can feel u as i go through with exact same thing.
But , as u described getting back with ur ex might not turn out to be good. I do understand the craving for a relationship, trust me I know. But it won't be the right solution getting back with ur ex.
Hi everyone,
Thank you for your responses. I really not sure what to say. I am so tired, a bit stressed and tired in general... I know a lot of you might be right. I am too nice of a person, and then I can't seem ignore it when he got back in touch... but I don't have to be with him. I was starting to feel ok since I recently talked to him again by phone, and seemed to have had a nice conversation, but now I am starting to have doubts just now again due to something.... I am not sure I can really go into all the details.... But I think it would help if I can keep this thread alive, maybe to come back to because it seems like I have no friends aside from him, and then I start trusting him again, and then something is happening again where I am not sure. I am starting to feel insecure about something.
HI everyone,
I had an interruption, I was going to follow up again immediately. So, to be completely honest with you, I had some serious doubts about the relationship, now something is coming up again, and it's making me feel uneasy. I am seeing some things and patterns, I am afraid to mention what they are right now as I did not want to make a big deal; I am also trying to navigate some other work matters, so it's stressful to think about all this.
I thought I had found some stability with this individual, but now I am not sure based on what is happening again recently.
@reliableWest8997,
it is totally OK to get confused. To feel hurt, desperate, alone.
It is totally OK to suffer, to embrace pain and hurt.
We tend to be on the outlook for relationships outside ourselves. Whereas we put those first, instead the most valuable and sacred one first, the relationship with ourselves.
I left my wife's house 1.5 years ago. Because she wanted me to yet not because she wanted me to.
Since then, I always hoped she would open up. It turned into reaching out, closing down, opening up.
Since I left I am basically alone. Not lonely, alone. Much to process.
I found a job way below my experience and capabilities. But it helps me tremendously to find stability, consistency. It helped me to realize on a deeper level that you depend on you. That whatever you seek is not within others.
In black and white, I see two kinds of people, seekers and seers. People who build their own foundation, or the ones who build on others.
It's like the spiritual communities that exist. Quite a few people seeking, for guidance, like minded souls, acceptance, piece, calm. Seeking, sometimes for whole their life and beyond. Question is, does one find when one seeks or does one only have to see. Like seeing a mirror and avoiding it, or looking straight into it.
@dukeofdearham thank you for your reply, yes, you are right, I can relate to things you are saying. I just got back from a walk and now am sort of tired at home relaxing so now in the right head space to respond again properly, probably lol. I had a bad reaction to something that was said online earlier, I have my reasons, and I don't know I can go into all those reasons right now
I was starting to believe him, or hoping things would or could maybe work out between him and I. I feel disrespected and I just wish he really cared about me. He says alot of things but I don't know why I am too good for him or maybe I am not good enough.
He has done things to hurt me and betrayed my trust. We were never supposed to be involved anyway. I honestly have no idea why we got involved.
I wish I could write more but I just got interrupted by a work email at this time, I know it sounds weird
Thanks, I wish you a nice evening though.
Hi again...
to anyone who feels like responding, I really should be writing in my journal about this. This is how I originally started my post 2 days ago.
I am a bit tired now, but this situation with my "ex" is consuming me.
I cannot understand why I put up with certain things, the issues we have is that he betrayed my trust from the very start and did not respect my initial boundaries.
There was some push back from me in the beginning, where I changed my mind about him, and I had made my up my mind that I did not want to be with him.
The problem I have been having with this man is that he was or has been very aggressive, and will not allow me to just let him go. I did on occasion play back and forth with him but in recent months I had made up my mind and not really talking to him.
He keeps reaching out again, but I don't think it's because he really cares about me.
We had disagreements in the past where he said to my face in messages that he did not care at all about my feelings and other things to me; I was upset at the time as I felt disrespected in various ways.
Now the issue is that he is coming back and keeps stating loving things etc. The problem I am having is I don't know why I would put up with this. I am starting to think if someone can really be this insensitive to think about himself so much that he does not care to talk and figures things out with me, or does not care if I don't want to or say no or don't want to talk to him; or does not care if I just want him to support me and for once not make a physical move on me.
When I say he crossed my boundaries, he did so physically, he did not respect my space. Now, recently he is online talking to a female friends, it's all public but the reason it makes my blood boil, he says nothing happened between them. The reason it didn't is she did not allow it, but he in the past, when we were not getting along, he went online and posted things under her profile, flirting with her explicitly. He tried to downplay and say it was not flirting and that everyone likes her. I honestly don't care about what other people do, I think it was disrespectful of him, and he did not care about me, he was willing to hurt me, and whether he knew I saw the posts or not, does not really matter; the point is that he did it, and he was willing to walk away. Then now in recent months only is when he came back saying he took me for granted. I can understand why he would not want to talk to me, it's because I was rejecting him, but he should have treated me like a lady and not jut like someone he was trying to have sex with.
I am told I am very attractive and do not look my age. He honestly is not a very attractive man. The other issue I have is not the looks but the personality. He has nothing interesting to say, when we are alone and we spent some time together, the next morning, he just sits there at the table and goes on his phone looking at things online; he never asks me questions about what I like or don't like, or where would I like to go on a date. It's insulting to be treated like this. I don't think I am overreacting, if he was that in love with me as he says, he would be doing cartwheels to please me.
I cannot believe I am even putting up with this, the only reason I saw him again recently is I was sad about some personal matters, and I was crying and worried about my family abroad. He knows how hard this is for me. I thought we could finally make amends and start over in some way. I have not had a chance to tell him all these things, I got really angry and lashed out at him earlier today. I ended spilling out everything on my mind about him that was bad, as usual, because I cannot take it anymore. I am not willing to fake feelings or a relationship for someone who has been so disrespectful to me!
I don't know why this is happening