Hyprocrisy and Listening
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a year and a half now, and we keep circling back to the same issues.
my boyfriend seems like he cannot handle other people’s emotions, if they want to vent to him or just share their day when it’s negative he wants no part in it. The hypocrisy in this is he will vent and complain about his life entirely. I have confronted him for this, and it always turns him into saying “I’m always the bad guy” or “I won’t tell you anything again then”. His reaction becomes extreme, and says I am always attacking him when I feel as though im not. I’m addressing a problem in the relationship.
i truly do not understand the “I feel” approach. If my partner has hurt my feelings or neglected something in the relationship, why is saying “You doing X made me feel terrible” or “You not doing X makes it feel like I have to take the responsibility of it when it’s not mine to bear”. It’s cause an affect. But it’s every time, and the “I feel” approach sounds like I have to gentle parent my adult partner. He is almost 27 and im not even 23, that idea is really uncomfortable for me especially since he is older and should be more mature than I.
he has expressed he’s not good at relationships but refuses to get advice, do research or therapy to even understand how relationships work. He has told me that me even asking him is not okay, and he should want to go to therapy for himself not for me. It’s disappointing and disheartening.
when him and I have our venting moments im left feeling unheard entirely even tho he promises he’s listening. I’ll talk about something that bothered me (unrelated to our relationship), he will reply with “oh that sucks” and then proceed to start a conversation he’s more interested in. He doesn’t show interest into my day or ask open ended questions so I can talk through my venting. His reasoning is bc it’s his ADHD and just keep telling him to pay attention to me…why is that my responsibility?? He’s not on medication, and has no interest in taking any. But im now supposed to be responsible for him wanting to pay attention to me??
I have repeated to him multiple times: if you do not want to do the work in the relationship that’s okay—you need to tell me now. He always says he will but he never follows through his word. He wants me to call him out when he does, but then gets defensive when I do. It’s like everything he says contradicts itself. Even when we argues last night he interrupted me, I said “im not done-please don’t interrupt”. He became defensive and said “I literally talked for 30 seconds” when in the past he has told me to let him know he has interrupted me.
im at a loss as what to do. It’s incredibly frustrating that my partner (who has gone to therapy, but for grievance not relationship wise) will use therapy words and therapy tools but apply them to the wrong things. I even asked him “do you think the tools in your toolbox aren’t the correct ones you need for the current project infront of you?”. He just says he agrees but it’ll be fine.
I know I need to make a decision on what is best for me, but I truly love and care for him, and it’s frustrating to see him constantly repeat a pattern over and over again.
@independentSquare8024
Age does not equal maturity. He sounds a bit self centered as well. take it from a person who this went on a lot longer they do not change if they get away with it.
The "I feel" statements take practice. many when stating them tend to be very weak ... i use them as direct addressing the issue. if they become defensive i simply tell them "i did not accuse or attack you, i just told you how I feel. "
Examples I would use: "I had a tough day but I feel you have not listened or been supportive in past, so maybe i will discuss with anther friend."
"I feel you agreed to make an effort to work on empathy but have not followed thru"
"I feel you have no problem sharing your issues but cannot listen to others."
"I feel your excuse of ADHD should make you want to seek a solution like medication, for the relationship"
I find being as direct as possible does not give my partner the wiggle room for excuses and subject changes. Is this selective hearing only apply to you? Does he listen to others ? Does this effect other aspects in his life work/ family etc?
those examples really help me get a better understanding as to what they can look like since I prefer to be direct, but the “You” statements I’ve been using may seem too direct. Thank you so much for those
Yes, unfortunately I am not the only one that has dealt with this. His friends and coworkers have also said he tend to converse with them about his day, and then never gives the other part their turn to complain.
@independentSquare8024
They can be used as a direct statement ... in my relationship it curbed the issues but was not totally fixed.
So many tend to be very nice with the I feel statements but that doe snot seem to work on type of partners we have.
@independentSquare8024
Hello. As for your boyfriend not listening, some of my friends-in-therapies could probably describe this behaviour as "his inner child has not yet been healed". Sounds like him ready to be cared of, but not yet ready to take care of someone else.
I am neither to make excuses for him, nor to criticise him. I believe his ADHD can be an obstacle, but shouldn't be a total excuse. Have you tried to talk to him when his hands or feet are busy (like going for a walk), not forcing him to stand or lay still and just listen? Would that improve anything?
After the notorious "I-statements" becoming quite fashionable, some therapist start to say they are never as good as advertised, being an abuse in disguise sometimes.
Also, people may differ with their point of interests, so what is important to you might be not so very important to your boyfriend, and the other way round. I think it's not granted, but it takes some practice in mutual understanding.
Last but not least, unfortunately, I cannot resist the impression that you took slightly dominant role in this relationship (despite your younger age, but compensated by your higher emotional and intellectual maturity, I guess).
I think this is OK to tell your partner: "Hey, something is not working well in our relationship, and I think some therapy could help!". But I believe telling someone how his therapy should look like and how the results of it should look like is boundaries-breaking. A therapy is a very personal thing and, I believe, it's "no go area" for anyone else to judge it or control it. And our real capabilities to change another person are very limited, if any...
I wish you finding the right balance with self-respect and being reasonably demanding on one hand, but also being tolerant to differences between you two and lovingly forgiving to your partner 😊
Thank you for your input! Im wondering if it’s because I am a female and in majority of my relationships with men I have taken the dominant role and that’s what brought on so much conflict between us.
I don’t believe I have tried having these tough conversations with him while his body is busy, but the issue is he doesn’t want to have these conversations period. He wants a relationship to be easy and not a “battle”
the reason why I mentioned therapy, or doing more research into learning about how relationships are structured is because he actually sent me the link to join 7Cups. He sent me the link bc he told me “you don’t have the tools to be happy you’re always negative”.. while it’s not that im unhappy, it’s more I have a hard time understanding the concept of letting go of grudges and forgiving. That was something I always planned on working on through therapy-and I enrolled the minute he gave me the link. An opportunity showed ip and I took it.
I do have issues with boundaries and understanding what they really are when it comes to myself. I find it very hard to apply them to myself, I’d like to say I can understand others boundaries and so far (friends/relationships previously haven’t come at me for crossing their boundaries) I’ve done good. If his boundary was therapy and mental health..again I find that a little hypocritical since he essentially did the same to me..
thank you again for your insight♥️
@independentSquare8024
I feel there is something that makes me smile (not laugh, smile) when I read your words. It's probably because it looks to me as if you were trying to mirror each other's reactions (for example: each of you sending the other to a therapy 😊). Your visions of the relationship are quite different: yours appears "well-tuned and manageable", your boyfriend's is "easy, with no battle". You trying to take control of things, him opposing. It's like fire and water. As if you were from different planets but... not indifferent to each other 😊
Lonely people often think being in a relationship is like a fairy tale... Actually, it is! But, from my experience, it sometimes takes learning how to face enormous frustration 😊 I think the biggest problem is the other person is rarely "an opposite sex twin of you". But this is also what makes the whole thing charming. When the moments of experiencing closeness are more vivid and more frequent than moments of seeing the differences or, in the worst case, indifference.