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independentSquare8024
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PathStep 12 Compassion hearts23 Forum posts5 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2025 Member sinceJanuary 16, 2025
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Hyprocrisy and Listening
Relationship Stress / by independentSquare8024
Last post
 18 hours ago
...See more My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for a year and a half now, and we keep circling back to the same issues. my boyfriend seems like he cannot handle other people’s emotions, if they want to vent to him or just share their day when it’s negative he wants no part in it. The hypocrisy in this is he will vent and complain about his life entirely. I have confronted him for this, and it always turns him into saying “I’m always the bad guy” or “I won’t tell you anything again then”. His reaction becomes extreme, and says I am always attacking him when I feel as though im not. I’m addressing a problem in the relationship. i truly do not understand the “I feel” approach. If my partner has hurt my feelings or neglected something in the relationship, why is saying “You doing X made me feel terrible” or “You not doing X makes it feel like I have to take the responsibility of it when it’s not mine to bear”. It’s cause an affect. But it’s every time, and the “I feel” approach sounds like I have to gentle parent my adult partner. He is almost 27 and im not even 23, that idea is really uncomfortable for me especially since he is older and should be more mature than I. he has expressed he’s not good at relationships but refuses to get advice, do research or therapy to even understand how relationships work. He has told me that me even asking him is not okay, and he should want to go to therapy for himself not for me. It’s disappointing and disheartening. when him and I have our venting moments im left feeling unheard entirely even tho he promises he’s listening. I’ll talk about something that bothered me (unrelated to our relationship), he will reply with “oh that sucks” and then proceed to start a conversation he’s more interested in. He doesn’t show interest into my day or ask open ended questions so I can talk through my venting. His reasoning is bc it’s his ADHD and just keep telling him to pay attention to me…why is that my responsibility?? He’s not on medication, and has no interest in taking any. But im now supposed to be responsible for him wanting to pay attention to me?? I have repeated to him multiple times: if you do not want to do the work in the relationship that’s okay—you need to tell me now. He always says he will but he never follows through his word. He wants me to call him out when he does, but then gets defensive when I do. It’s like everything he says contradicts itself. Even when we argues last night he interrupted me, I said “im not done-please don’t interrupt”. He became defensive and said “I literally talked for 30 seconds” when in the past he has told me to let him know he has interrupted me. im at a loss as what to do. It’s incredibly frustrating that my partner (who has gone to therapy, but for grievance not relationship wise) will use therapy words and therapy tools but apply them to the wrong things. I even asked him “do you think the tools in your toolbox aren’t the correct ones you need for the current project infront of you?”. He just says he agrees but it’ll be fine. I know I need to make a decision on what is best for me, but I truly love and care for him, and it’s frustrating to see him constantly repeat a pattern over and over again.
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