Husband hurt me emotionally and now I’m strugglinr

I’ve come to terms that my husband severely hurt my feelings. He told me to go to *** and then f you a few weeks later when I went out with male coworkers. He said I was cheating. We finally came to terms that it is not cheating but he completely regretted it the next day. Little does he know I’m shaking with adrenaline and throwing up out of fear of losing someone I care intensely for. I can no longer comfortably eat. I think everyone is out to get me and I can no longer stick to a decision because I think “what if he this — what if he is thinking that”. And my uncertainty I am sure frustrates him. His emotions were so true and real that day how can you turn around and say you did not mean it the next. An apology and “I’ll never do it again” hasn’t been enough. I thought it would be but I’m not healed I am damaged immensely. I’m super paranoid and adrenaline runs every day. He doesn’t physically abuse me but still. He just got his green card from me and is going to see his family for the first time in 5 years. I’m happy for him but he hurt me on two separate occasions that I feel like he is going to up and leave me. Even though he says one thing I can not shake the feeling that he is thinking this way still in the back of his mind. One day he says I think I love you, I don’t know what love means, to I do love you. I think I love you. I need to talk to him about this but he is a truck driver and he is rarely home. I have 2 months of school left and then I’ll get my license to start my work so that won’t be an issue one day. But I think he keeps expecting things to be ok and turn out ok and be left the same every time he leaves. In reality I’m taking hits and pretending like I’m fine. I can not afford therapy but I need to work this out. I’m deteriorating. How can I discuss this with him without feeling invalidated or making it look like I’m blaming him for all of this. It was his behavior that caused this and I no longer want to defend him, but I don’t want to corner him into anything.

im very kind and very sensitive and I’m trying to teach him to be and do the same. We have a language barrier by the way so communicating takes a bit longer but we do sit and communicate about this stuff. He is just not home for the majority of our relationship. But I don’t work and I have 2 months of school left so you can understand, leaving is no a viable option and I still don’t want to leave him. I still want to be with him, I’m just trying to work so that I never stop wanting that.

like his behavior those two times were wild. One we flew over an intersection and he told me to get out of the car. I freak out, get my cat and try to go to work and then he tells me to go to *** for me to think he might take his temper out on the cat. Couple weeks later I go hang out with friends from school and work and we went bowling. I call and tell him I didn’t realize one of the guys seemed very interested in me. And he was insisting it was my fault for being with an all male group anyway. But it’s bowling? He freaks out and it eventually turns into I cheated on him and I’m for everyone and F you. I wasn’t ready to get married, I thought you were mine. And then the next day I call cuz he tells me to call and he says everything is fine he didn’t mean it and felt bad immediately after. Throughout that call I was shaking violently and couldn’t finish the conversation. And since then I feel head over heels for him and then when I don’t get any attention i immediately resort to he hates me, he is lying, he has got to be keeping me around for something and not to be his wife. But then there are days when he is struggling and is like “I can only talk to you about this stuff.”

I just don’t know how to tell him how much he hurt me. How stressed I am now because of it. And how I have lost trust in our relationship since he seemed so easily able to give up on me twice after 4 years. I think it’s being in solitude in a truck all day but it’s no freaking excuse.

thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this if you do