How to get my husband to be more affectionate to me
Back in July 30th, my husband and I had a very big fight/argument. It’s been almost 2weeks. I have slept in separate rooms for 3 days before he invited me to go back to our room. It was so bad to the point he was ready to give up on our marriage of 10 years. Friday the 4th of August, we had a good conversation about our issues. We have started getting along. Then we have been intimate as well. I am an affectionate person. I like showing affection to him. I like telling him I love him, etc. I have always loved when he used to love on me and show affection. The other day I was being affectionate to him and told him I love him. Well, he told me to stop hanging all over him. He has not shown any affection to me since we had that argument. I don’t know how to cope with that. I also don’t know how to express to him that I want him to show affection to me. I just don’t want him to get mad or anything for me bringing it up. I need some advice!
Thanks!
@compassionateFriend6011 Sounds like he's going through something deep that he's struggling with alone.
Maybe express to him you realise he has a lot going on internally and encourage him not to go through it alone and to reach out for help with someone he can trust.
Sorry to hear what you've been going through, I know how scary things must feel right now. I hope both of you can find the hope that things are going to be okay and get back to having mutual affection towards each other 🙏
@compassionateFriend6011
I have had issues with similar things with my spouse and frankly honesty and being straightforward is needed........
i told him i needed displays of affection and touch .... I told him his ignoring this is only making me unhappy .......and frankly a bit mad.
He said he has not done it because I always seem mad or unhappy and he said it was hard to show affection when i was like that .......
See the issue .......IF I had NOT spoken up............ we would not see that we were escalating the situation the circle of waiting until they do something to respond does not work this is an item not only my situation but others i know happens after a few arguments.
@compassionateFriend6011
You would have to find a calm and appropriate moment to have an open and honest conversation with him about your needs and desires for affection. Express to him that showing and receiving affection is an important part of your love language and that it helps strengthen your emotional connection
You could say something like, "I've been wanting to talk to you about something that's been on my mind lately, and I really hope we can have a honest conversation about it. You know how much I appreciate the progress we've made in rebuilding our relationship after that big fight we had. It means the world to me. But here's the thing - I've been missing all the affection we used to show each other before the argument. You know me, I'm a sucker for lovey-dovey stuff. It just makes me feel so connected to you and reminds me of how much we mean to each other. I get that we might still be healing and figuring things out, but I'd love for us to find our way back to that place of intimacy. I don't want you to feel pressured or anything, but I'd love it if we could find little ways to show affection that feel natural and comfortable for both of us."
Encourage him to share his thoughts as well. Your husband might need some time to process the recent conflict and rebuild his own emotional connection, so by having an open conversation, you're giving him the opportunity to understand your needs and work towards meeting them
@compassionateFriend6011
wish I knew. If you find something that helps please share with me
“It was so bad to the point he was ready to give up on our marriage of 10 years”
You were both sleeping in seperate beds for a time.
For him, there is probably still anger and frustration over the fight. He has not forgiven you completely for whatever it was. Giving affection to you when he fills resentment and anger would probably feel like a pretence to him. It’s not that he doesn’t love you any more. But men need time and space to process deep emotions.
You are an affectionate person. You might crave his touch and intimacy, and physical signs of his love. You might feel therefore that it is OK to do that after the fight. But if he is rejecting your affection, it tells you that he has not reached that place in his heart yet. Part of it may be that he is withholding his affection from you as a form of punishment.
If you want to restore the affection, start with the reason why he started withholding affection. It’s probably not about physical intimacy. It’s about what physical intimacy and affection represents to him. Did you betray his trust in some way? It might feel offensive to him if you have behaved in some way that severely betrayed his trust - and then it might seem to him that you just expect everything to return to normal afterwards by telling him you love him. It might seem to him that you didn’t fully appreciate the gravity of the fight, the depth of his emotions on the issue, even though he was literally ready to abandon the relationship.
In short, his rejection of your affection is a sign that you are emotionally in different places. You need to reconnect with him emotionally, not by pretending everything is normal, but by addressing the anger and frustration that caused this emotional distance. He might feel the issue has not been resolved satisfactorily and it is still coming between you both.
Hope that is helpful to you somehow! Wishing you both all the best!
CatsInTheCradle
