How to forgive yourself when you are the cheater
I have cheated on my partner with my ex. I don't know how to allow myself to feel less. I feel guilt and grief. Grief for the perfect relationship we had. Why did I do that? I'm in my 30s. My ex and I always had great sex however we broke up because the relationship was a rollercoaster and very toxic. I met my partner two years ago, he's the most authentic, caring, loving man ever. He is perfect. He does not have the same sex drive as my ex, but I never cared too much about it. (I'm only mentioning it because of what happened). I moved to my partner's city five months ago. I do sometimes come back home and I have messed up with my ex. Why now? Why now that I live with the most incredible guy?
I can't forgive myself. Why did I cheat although I love my partner? Although everything is perfect?
How do I cope and go back to what we were? I'm hating myself for what I did. I will never be able to tell him what happened because it would literally wreck his world. He did not deserve that. I don't deserve him.
Please help
@placidBunny9147
how do you define perfect? ....relationships even if something small is not there it is not perfect.
you said the sex life with EX was Great ...and then your new partner had a lower sex drive ......but you did not describe that as GREAT. just said did not matter that much to you Maybe it does matter more then you think. People who have roller coaster and turbulent relationships then seek a partner who is stable and predictable and find it boring after awhile.
Think of what happened and ask yourself what were you thinking each step ... meet up for a drink or dinner? ... did you assume friends only nothing will happen ? was there reminiscing about good times? touches on your arm or did you touch him? a kiss? something happened and at each step you could have stopped and stepped away .....
what ever reasoning you used to take the next step can shed light on your reason.....
It is done you can not take it back so you need to move past and that should be telling your partner what happened lies and deception fester and grow .... the only way to stop that is to be honest with yourself and Him
Hi, thanks for getting back to me on this. I mentioned the sex drive because it's the only thing I can think of. My partner and I have unmatched libido (not at all time) but that came up as an issue as soon as I moved in. Can I blame him for that? No... Because we are all different.
My ex and I have kept in touch over the years and we've been there for eachother on numerous occasions but we have never stepped boundaries. We have realised we worked much better as friends rather than a couple because we were equally toxic. Me for staying, him for abusing. The fact we became "friends" was a surprise to me. He's never tried anything and I never tried anything with him. My partner knows we kept in touch and was understanding (also because we were not constantly calling or texting. Only when we needed practical help).
The day it happened, I passed by his house and he was there. I said I just came to say hi, but didn't think that would've happened. I'm not sure what it was, but it was clearly a bit mistake.
I want to tell my partner about it. I feel I would crash him and his world would collapse. I'm not scared he leaves me, I rather break up with him than telling him the truth because I don't want him to have a breakdown. I know I'm not making much sense right now, but I am panicking. I'm back home today and I can't even look at him
@placidBunny9147
I understand your hesitation to tell him or perhaps do not say anything... If you are panicking that may not be an option for you. I think people can handle far more then we give them credit and if you act weird or offish he may have worse ideas of what is wrong.
I hear you about different libido thing my spouse has slowed down and NOW nothing of a sex life, he seems fine with that and too bad if i am not .......talked about this very clearly and yet he seems "oh well" not saying that is what happened but you do need to consider what is missing in your relationship and admit that to yourself before you can admit things to him.
I am in a situation that is somewhat similar o this myself. I too have cheated and am in love with a new person and now I’m weighed down with guilt and grief. I am deeper from my partner and have been for months but we are legally married. It’s not easy and it makes me feel very disgusting for what I am doing, yet I find myself totally in love with the new person. I’ve always been against cheating and still do not recompense think that it is the right thing to do…
Show yourself some grace. We are human and we do make mistakes. We hurt people and we make people happy. That is life.
Then, we all have needs. I'm not talking about greed or desires but we have basic human needs. No matter what they are teaching us these days, our needs are there and won't dissappear.
Furthermore, cheating often seems like a mistake. However, I believe there's an underlying reason - consciously recognized or not. Often that reason is some of our basic needs. Maybe in your case the need for closeness or connection, manifesting itself through sex. I'm not saying it's that, just suggesting.
If you want to keep your current relationship, get to the core and find that reason.
That ex, the situation is very unhealthy for you. Supporting each other? Saying hi? No, you tell him, you go no contact and you start building your new life. You are not free of that person yet, it seems.
What you did doesn't make you a bad human. It makes you a human. Perhaps not aware of some of your triggers and inner world, but a human.
As long as you are willing to go no contact with your ex and work on your relationship and yourself , don't tell your partner. It will hurt him more.
But if not, seems to me that chases to do it again are high and something is unresolved.
Breathe! What's done is done, chin up and fix the future 🤗
