He doesn’t trust me
My boyfriend and I met online during the pandemic. Things progressed pretty quickly because we were spending so much time together. We made it official and moved in together. I would say on paper we’re good together but when we get into arguments or I do something wrong it’s pretty bad. He threatens to leave the relationship and not come home. I’m not allowed to be on social media and he doesn’t like for me to speak to males. Which I’m ok with that sacrifice but it’s difficult at times. Most recently we’ve been having issues when I don’t answer the phone immediately. Sometimes I miss his call but I call right back within five minutes or less. he gets made at me and says he can’t trust me. I’ve NEVER cheated. We’re currently not speaking or sleeping in the same bed. Our lease is up and he said we’re done. I don’t want to lose him. Our family and friends like us together and our families get along. Any advice would be helpful. So far my plan is to tell him where I’m going before I leave our home.
@amiableCake1706
It is not about trust but control... IMO. Did you know of his issue before moving in?
it is an insecure and selfish person to treat a partner in that manner.... if leas eis up perhaps it is a good idea to move on.
I didn’t know. He always mentions we should have our own lives outside of each other but when I leave the house and don’t tell him he gets mad when I miss his call. He is able to go out and go out of town with friends. However, I don’t like when he goes out because he comes back with makeup on his clothes. Last night he went out and I had an attitude before he left. I didn’t want to think about what he was doing or be sad so I met my friend and we went to get some dinner. He knows her and when I missed his call I called back via FaceTime 2 minutes later with her across the table from me. He said I can’t be trusted and ended the relationship. I asked could we talk at some point but he said no he’s done talking and locked himself in the other bedroom. We didn’t definitively set boundaries about going out we just agreed to be available if the other calls. Maybe if we agreed I would tell him where I’m going we wouldn’t be at this point. He’s very protective of me and that’s one of the reasons why I love him. But I need his trust. I don’t want our relationship to end.
@amiableCake1706
...So you need to justify who you are with and why you did not grab your phone in 2 seconds but he can come home with makeup smudges on clothes?
I am sorry you are going through this but he is gas lighting you....to control ... this is not healthy i care so much i want to know where you are all the time...they want you to think that.
locking himself in a bedroom is childish ............. repeatedly threaten breakup knowing you do not want.... even what you describe him saying are all classic gas light / control type behaviors.
Calling back ASAP is being available period ........some placed for example movies want your phone turned silent .. what if in a restroom does he want to talk while flushing is all around....
Boundaries may or probably will not help this .... he wants you on the defensive and bending over backwards to please him ......
Does he answer you / facetime to show you who he is with leaving makeup smudges ?
do you get any of this back .. does not sound like you can trust him........ and you certainly not being respected like you should be.
When you know your own value.......... you do not let someone treat you like that. It does not sound he is interested in a real relationship with honesty and boundaries.
I don’t disagree with anything you’re saying and I’m not making excuses for him. All I will say is that I want to work with him to improve our relationship. I think people can make improvements. I’m definitely hurt and I don’t know how we would even repair our relationship if we were to move forward. I have suggested counseling but he refuses to go. I don’t want to give up because I’m truly committed to our relationship but I’m feeling defeated.
OK ready to hear the absolute TRUTH?
It doesn’t matter if you’ve never cheated. It doesn’t matter if you ALWAYS answer the phone as soon as it rings. It doesn’t matter if you never talk to another man in your life. It doesn’t matter if he knows the girls you are out with. None of that matters one tiny little bit. Because the relationship is NOT ABOUT YOU.
Your whole relationship is about HIM - HIS fears that you will talk to other men, HIS fears that you can’t be trusted, HIS insecurities that are triggered when you don’t answer the phone straight away. And that’s why it doesn’t matter what you do, or how much you try to please him and be the best possible partner - because the reality of the situation is YOU’RE NOT THE PROBLEM and that’s why you can’t be the solution.
He has really gone out of his way to make it seem like it’s about you. But that’s simply because blaming you and transferring blame and responsibility on you is easier for him than dealing with his own fears, confronting his own commitment issues, dealing with his trauma and damaged relationships of the past. That’s why he’s trying to sabotage and escape the relationship at every opportunity. That’s why he is constantly looking for reasons and creating reasons to leave instead of looking for compromises, looking for solutions and reasons to stay. And if the makeup stains on his shirt are any indication, he has probably never been genuinely committed in your relationship the whole time.
And there are also lots of reasons why you’re letting him do it. Why despite everything wrong with your relationship, and your deep acknowledgment somewhere in your conscious mind that he’s not treating you right, there’s reasons why you still choose to stay and why you’re desperate to be with him. It’s not LOVE. But it might have something to do with your NEED to feel loved, even if it seems to come from someone who spends most of the relationship trying to burn everything down.
Someone above responded that this is about CONTROL. They are absolutely right. Look at every thing you’ve told us about your partner and you will see his constant attempts to manage his FEARS by asserting CONTROL over every aspect of your life. He fears you will cheat, so he tries to monitor your movements by how quickly you pick up the phone, who you go out with, who you talk to. He fears you will find someone better, that you will leave him one day, so he constantly threatens you that the relationship is over any time you fight or have issues. He constantly seeks to drag you down, to make you docile, so that he can impose his will on you more easily.
You need this time to think all of this through. Without him there influencing you. You need to look at yourself, and be honest about the reasons why you’re in this relationship, why you crave relationships to begin with. What does he represent to you? Safety? Love? Companionship? What is the void in your life that you’re afraid of? What makes you vulnerable? These are the things that we usually respond to in life, that sometimes form the motivations for our relationships. Often from those fearful motives we form unhealthy relationships, sometimes desperately, and convince ourselves that they are loving relationships, even if they are not, even long after they prove to make us unhappy.
Maybe part of you will still want everything to go back to the way it was. Maybe you think you can live like that indefinitely, that your relationship was enough for you the way it was. But that still doesn’t address the root cause of the problem - HIM. His fears. His insecurities. His constant need for control. And you can’t that because you can’t change him! - it’s something he has to work on for himself. He needs to decide how he wants to live, who he wants to be. He needs to decide for himself that he wants healthier relationships, that he wants to address his own fears and face his demons and grow as a person. Until he does that for himself, anyone in a relationship with him will just be a caged bird, a victim of his fears and need to control everything.
CatsInTheCradle
@amiableCake1706 It's clear that you care deeply about your relationship and want to find a way to make things work. It's wonderful that you've been able to build a strong connection, especially given the circumstances of meeting during the pandemic. Moving in together is a big step, and it's natural for some issues to arise as you learn to navigate each other's lives more intimately.
While sacrifices are a part of any relationship, it's also important to maintain a sense of personal freedom and independence. Feeling restricted in your interactions with others, including on social media and with male friends, might cause strain over time. Trust is a foundation of a healthy relationship, and it's essential for both partners to have space to nurture their individual connections and interests.
The issue around missed calls is another aspect that might benefit from a calm and open conversation. Building trust is a gradual process, and while it's understandable that prompt communication is important, there should also be room for understanding when unforeseen situations arise.
Ultimately, the decision about the future of your relationship is yours to make. It's great that your families and friends support you both, but remember that your happiness and well-being are paramount. If you find that the relationship is causing you undue stress or unhappiness, it might be worth exploring your options and seeking advice from trusted individuals in your life.
It’s toxic.. he should trust you and no relationship will last until both persons have trust issues. Love is not about bounding a person.. he should accept you and love u the way u are. My advice would be to move on as u can’t live with fear for the whole life
