Frame of reference
Been with my partner 10 years we have a child together. Known each other a lot longer as we were friends before we got into a relationship. We always felt a connection so it just made sense to follow our attraction into a relationship. It wasn't always straightforward as we'd both been in other relationships.
Anyways early on she had always said she likes to have her own finances, her own house (which we live in), she wasn't bothered about marriage. These things not massively bother me as I was happy being committed being involved in whatever was going on with family, but now she is telling me she feels neglected. Like we always do things for other family members and not enough on anything that benefits us and because I have contributed to that, gone a long with it, not pushed to get married - I don't care, I'm selfish and can't see bigger than the thing immediately in front of me.
Has anyone else ever been told this? I think I do adopt "firefight" mode when it comes to helping family out but I haven't meant to make my partner feel neglected. I try to help things a long now but preempting how to help make life easier (doesn't always work) but she tells me it is too little too late, I don't really care because if I did I wouldn't of let her feel so alone all these years. I would have made her move away from the stresses of her family but we are here now because of me. Every time someone in the family does something annoying, it is my fault we are here and have to deal with it. I feel confused as I had spent years getting involved and helping with family things to try alleviate the stress and be involved to show I care and it seems to have come back to bite me in the a$$. She told me I'm disconnected from my emotions as a person. I don't talk about my feelings like normal people. I have said I'm not always the best at talking about what I'm scared of and it's not that I don't want to share that with her. Now when I do share things she's saying she feels like she's forcing me. She said she doesn't like who I am I'm selfish and a horrible person. I don't want to give up on the relationship as I see it as a commitment even if there are no rings but it's hard to hear someone you love saying if they knew what they know now they're not sure they'd get in a relationship with you because they expected a lot more.
I've tried to keep this short and to the point. I just needed to vent. Has this happened to anyone else? I just want to make things better
@conscientiousNickel7021
many people live in similar situations.
I can relate I think the things you do come from trying to anticipate and fix things to help all. I think that happens in situations where the person is not good at sharing your emotions and really being a partner. We all change in time and many partners can and do say " if i knew then what i know now"
Was all the help with family trying to make her happy ? ... how did she really feel about it?
I mean at a point was she just done with family drama and issues as they seem never ending and now wants to focus on your relationship/ child as a family unit . Having the extra family always needing something is a fine line to walk... some partners start out wanting you to help and proud you are a big help .......then it becomes too much and old and your stuff is on the back burner.
Some people change their mind on the marriage idea do you discuss that ever? I lived in that for a long time and we just assumed what our partner wants. After a decade we may have the idea that we are on the same page ......but we do not check that we are. What makes that even harder is the idea we assume our partner knows what we are thinking / feeling. Or at the very least know what we DO NOT want.
My Partner sounds like you and tries to "FIX" things that are not a big problem and seems oblivious to the small things that are actually an issue. Talking bout feelings, if it is not easy for you...... does not come off as sincere and my partner tries to read me and say what they think i WANT that makes it worse not better.
@toughTiger6481 that gives me some comfort that there are other people in similar situations but at the same time it's not a desirable situation to be in.
Thinking about it I think at the start she liked housing out at mine and having an escape but obviously as time went on we moved in together there is no break. And yes I think she did like that I would help with a somewhat chaotic and at times demanding family. I haven't had a close family growing up and so felt like that's what you do when you're in a family go above and beyond and get involved. In hindsight I think she wanted someone to tell her to stop doing that because now she tells me she just sees me as a facilitator which she doesn't want to do anymore. Everyone is peeing her off especially me because I'm someone she chose and now she tells me I'm just adding to the cr@p.
I think because my default mode is firefighter mode deal with whatever drama in the moment box it off done. I have had a tendency to after a chaotic moment just like the quiet a bit too much and end up neglecting our goals and life. Completely unintentionally. Now she tells me she hates being home together as I don't want to leave and I want to work things out and that she wishes she could meet someone else to leave me because she is that fed up and has no belief that things can work out. I don't know where it got so messy. I think I assumed she knew how was thinking feeling and what was going on in my head even when I didn't speak up. Mad bit is for the most part she has actually known more than most but because I haven't articulated it or shown emotion in a normal way she doesn't even believe me when I am speaking genuinely from the heart.
Literally cannot talk to each other at the moment. She says she will tell me when she is going to use me for something otherwise she doesn't want to know. Harsh.
@conscientiousNickel7021
I know it is small comfort that others are in your shoes but you had all the words that equal this ... unintentionally / fed up and assumptions.... we have been there....
She sounds frustrated and unhappy and now says harsh things to p## you off or hurt your feelings etc. I did this too. I was so sure I was going to get the same ole we will try harder yada yada ..... so to beat him to the punch i would be harsh.
Never helps and we had to learn to speak with "I feel" statements. Not take things personally and take breaks from each other and think things through.
I think she feels like I've led her on. I think she saw me early on as someone to come rescue her from a situation but instead I've got more involved and now family have an expectation on both of us that we'll always be there to support or do things even to our own detriment. Which I get isn't on. And I know saying I was led to believe that's what families do doesn't cut it with hindsight. Now she wants to push her family and me away because we're all a problem. I don't see myself as an enemy though, is that wrong of me? Or arrogant?
In the past when I've said I feel a bit used in situations she's even reinforced well you're part of the family now that's what you do don't moan about it. So I do feel a bit like everything is on her terms not that she will listen to that now.
I tried the other night to say how I feel and she said I'm turning it into a "me show" just going on about myself. Feeling a bit at a loss what to do or say. We're just avoiding each other round the house, our kid knows something is off. Every time I say something even can I do something to help? I'm getting snappy replies and told to change the script.
@toughTiger6481 surely there's got to be an element of both sides willing to communicate to move forward....how can you make that happen if it's not your side that doesn't want to smooth things over
@conscientiousNickel7021
It is hard and telling you it is a "me show" when you try to share your feelings, that is deflection.
She knows she was the reason you became involved in helping family. Now that she wants to put space from family she cannot make you the bad guy who wants space to break away.... hard for you if she is not sharing her plan... she may be frustrated from other things and family issue is what she has decided is the problem. I know the civil but avoid each other in house move and it only lets things simmer... communication from both is needed you are correct. set a specific time and remind her your child is aware something is going on and fixing it sooner is better.
@toughTiger6481 I'm just getting anger all the time, like she won't even look at me. I went to pick her up after work the other day because I thought ok a chance to talk. It was also raining. I text beforehand to say I'll pick you up. I saw her on the other side of the road on the phone. I rang, eventually she answered saying what do you want id rather get the bus I don't care if it's raining, being in work was the only break from you then you're right there. 🤔 In the end and to not make a scene I let her get the bus.
She spent most the evening upstairs, our child wanted to hang out up there too. I then got shouted at for not asking for not asking for a certain piece of homework to be done that I do. My decision was based on them avoiding me. So if I try I'm wrong, if I don't try I'm wrong. Feel like everything is blurred. And I'm at a loss of what next
@conscientiousNickel7021
It is of course a case by case basis dealing with issues and some day she will see she was the wall that stopped fixing this or ended up ending it.
until a person is willing to actively communicate you are there and not move to make. make the most of your time and keep a good relation ship with your child.
This is what i did ..... say nice things at random when you cross her path but nothing else do not smile it shows them their strategy to hurt you is not working ,,, that made my partner "ready to talk"
@toughTiger6481 well I dozed off downstairs because I didn't feel like a confrontation....with other people upstairs and had a bit of a mentally draining day for other reasons. I got a text saying we need to talk but by the time I woke up well she was asleep. I don't think that was to have a proper talk I think it was more to tell me she wants me to do this that or the other tomorrow.
Kids pick up on atmosphere and I feel take the biased side of being close to mum. While I don't mind this I also feel like I'm missing out a bit and I feel awkward then trying to get involved. I got called petty and needy the other day for watching something on YouTube that I was asked to for a game. Can't win.
Sorry I’m going through crap too… but I wanted to post because I have heard this also. It means she wants attention. The wants to be your priority. Whether you feel you have done this or not quite frankly is irrelevant because she hasn’t felt it and that’s what matters to her. The question is, are her feelings justified or childish and immature. Unfortunately we can’t answer that one and each relationship is different, some people give more and some less and some it works some it doesn’t.
Mine has said similar things and for the most post I do feel it is immature to expect attention constantly or suffer backlash. We are trying to work through it. Also understand her love language because she may not be feeling the connection you do because she doesn’t feel connection in the same acts that you do.
@Dbrider thanks that does make sense. Agree I think that's where I get confused, I recognise she didn't want me to leave things but get shouted at for being provoking or going on. I then give her space and I'm being rude and selfish. There is no amount of time which is right or wrong to give space or not give space. It's just trying to find the middle path through it all.
Interesting point about love language, I think that's the thing once she gets to that point of anger there is absolutely no way to reason and any attempts at connecting back are met with dismissal. Which to me is mad when you're right she probably does actually want the connection but then pushes away any attempt.
I have of course been trying to be more considerate, to check in more, spend quality time together but it can be difficult when there are family around or family issues that come up and cause a stir. This just adds to more chaos!
I will keep trying though, it's just hard to be vulnerable when expect to get shouted at