First, Now 4 Year Relationship

Hi everyone,

I just came on here to kinda vent and get some advice. I’ve been in a relationship (my first one) for 4 years now. We met through a dating app and at first I was super shy and hesitant around him but eventually I found my confidence growing, as well as our friendship and relationship. It’s been 4 years now, and I’m worried and here’s why:

When we first met he didn’t have a job and was relying on delivery apps for his essential income (bills, food, etc.). As for myself I was at a *** part-time job that I loathed but was actively trying to get out of. Eventually I graduated college and found my first full-time job, got laid off, then found my current (and better) full-time job which I’m now really happy at. As for him, in all those four years he hasn’t gotten a part or full time job, and keeps talking about how he wants to earn income from online. When we first met I thought that was a great idea and encouraged him, but now I’m just so frustrated that he only seems to TALK about his plans instead of really doing them. He has actually worked on his ideas a little but they’re not paying off in the way of him actually earning a stable income from them. He continues to come up with more and more ideas that will hopefully earn him some income, but I really don’t think it’s going to happen. I’ve tried to offer him help in getting a job and at one point, he did have one but it lasted for a week before he quit. For some reason he’s just so against the idea of jobs and waking up early and “being miserable”, that he’s convinced himself it’ll only make him depressed and numb. He currently lives with his parents and still does delivery jobs and continues to chip away at his online ideas but he’s made no progress in that.

His situation is also causing huge strain on me and my parent’s relationship. They’ve been accepting of him but as they’ve also seen no change, they’re concerned about my future with him since he hasn’t taken initiative to get a job and provide for himself, let alone someone else in the future. I try to defend him but they’ve honestly made some good points about him.

I’m in my mid-twenties now, and I have hopes to move into my own place and get married soon, but since he refuses to get a job or go to any kind of schooling, I don’t know what to do. It’s so expensive to live on your own, and I had that we would both be in a position to move on to the next part of our lives together and move in together, but now I don’t see that happening.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve talked to him about the job situation, and he gets defensive and upset, but on the other hand he always vents to me about how he has no money and how he’s miserable at home, so I don’t understand why he won’t just even get a temporary job enough to get out of his house and ALSO work on his online ideas at the same time. I don’t know what to say to him anymore, I feel like a broken record repeating the same things and giving him the same advice.

I’m scared that the more I wait, the more I’m wasting my time waiting. I’ve made so many changes since we first met. I struggle immensely with anxiety and social interactions, but I still applied and got a full time job that I knew would be worth the experience in order to help me in the future, and my main motivation in doing so had to do with my dreams about our future together, that it would be worth all the struggle. I now have an amazing full time job and have the means of moving out next year, but he hasn’t changed at all or made any real attempt to. He talks about marriage with me once he has the means but at this point I feel like it’s just talk.

What should I do? Should I talk to him again? Give him an ultimatum? We recently had a big fight about this, and I essentially told him I wanted to see him fight for us and our relationship even if that means he has to get a job for now, and he said he would, but once again he’s fallen back into complaining but not attempting to get out of his predicament. He applied and interviewed for one job and got rejected, and has made no further attempts, even after I offered to help him look and practice his interviewing skills. It’s just so incredibly frustrating but it’s also hard because I really love him but now I’m not sure if he’s the one for me for the future that I see myself in. I just don’t have many friends, and I’ve realized that I’m honestly really scared of being alone, but I don’t know if he’s ever going to change.