Evolving Emotions

PLEASE READ! Disclaimer: This post is just for me. NO comments please! Thank you.

—

I got my hopes up again. I know better than to do that, but so much time has passed, and I truly thought it would be a fresh start. I suppose it still can be. However, the little trust I had built up again is gone. That didn’t take long at all.

He didn’t mean to do it, I realize this. But the fact that he did speaks volumes. I wanted to talk with him before what he’s doing next weekend so that I don’t feel disgusting. He doesn’t understand at all. I wanted our connection to be pure.

I don’t know if it can be anymore. I wanted it to be special. I gave my all.

He’s really messed up. I just wanted one good recent memory with him. Just one.

His words have also proven that he hasn’t learned the big lessons yet. Sadly…it might take his whole lifetime.

He’s so blind. I don’t want to admit this to myself, but maybe I wanted to forget everything tonight, maybe I just wanted a good memory for myself…maybe it wouldn’t have benefited him at all. I know we both want this. But now it’s not going to be as special.

I just wish he’d called. Told me…rescheduled. Something. Instead of wasting my time. Honestly, I should know better. He did this when we were together too. He’s absolutely terrible at timing things, and under pressure, he takes even longer. It’s extremely frustrating in every way. Not to mention, he picked a dumb argument with me earlier. It was disappointing.

I chose to not let it ruin our time we both were looking forward to. But it didn’t matter because he wasn’t there. Again.

Sometimes life doesn’t make sense. I keep asking why I want this. And I know I love him, I could just reasons. But there are not nearly as many as there used to be.

I really wanted tonight because it was supposed to help me sort out my feelings.

Since it didn’t happen, I’m left alone again. And it’s just repeated behavior.

I need to sleep on this. I don’t know how else to get through to him. He dislikes himself. He’s always sorry. He never has time. He hates his life. He loves me. He’s indecisive to the point where he ruins every huge life decision he’s ever made.

I don’t want to waste my time but I also just want one night. To figure it out. That’s all. Why is it so hard?

—

PLEASE READ! Disclaimer: This post is just for me. NO comments please! Thank you.