Codependency
How do you stop yourself from seeking validation from your partner? It is killing my relationship yet I still keep doing it unintentionally.
I've read books, listened to podcasts it is me with the issue. I don't believe in myself enough that I do what is expected of me. But it's been like this for years that trying to break the cycle is an upward struggle and I seem to keep going back to my fallback position.
Any help or advice please
@conscientiousNickel7021
I think in many ways a lot of people do that .... at a certain point we need to take inventory of our contributions on our own .....and see that some partners simply are incapable of giving validation without us seeking it.... or asking for simple recognition.
It is NOT hard to recognize and thank a person for doing things even if it is simple everyday things that make lives work....why is this ON us and things we NEED to work on.... and that is what many podcast/ articles say because we cannot change others... but WE do not need to overcompensate and twist ourselves to make up for their lacking IMO.
it is NOT that hard to take some time and really tell someone in your life you appreciate them........ I think those who end up seeking validation....It is often because if we do not coax a thank you ........we will NOT get one We even try harder do more .... The resentment grows.
It is a tough cycle to break but at a certain point we need to recognize we Are doing and if more is needed .... then perhaps they can bring it up.
@toughTiger6481 I don't know if I contribute anything. She tells me I don't contribute anything useful ever, I don't ever give an opinion but I'm very good at paraphrasing what other people have said. I'm just there as a presence making everything harder. I feel like I'm always chasing my tail.
I've said in the past sometimes a thanks would be nice and her response was I shouldn't need one I should just know it's appreciated. Yet somehow I don't feel like it is.
@conscientiousNickel7021
I feel she is missing the point ....... no one should assume their work or effort is appreciated without some validation. A person who can not do that may be self centered or a narcissist.
@toughTiger6481 thank you for the validation on that point I was starting to think is it me really being that over sensitive?! I think maybe it's tied in with she's really quite self aware and confident that she just doesn't need that from anyone because she is so sure of herself and happy that what she puts out in the world is genuinely her.
Ironically she's called me a narcissist when all I feel I do is try to keep a flexible approach to bend to others needs. Not that I'm saying that is the right approach either but I don't think I'm being controlling or a narcissist
@conscientiousNickel7021
now she is probably deflecting from herself by accusing you narcissist can not or will not bend for any one unless it is short term to get what they want.
I struggle with this too. I ask for validation and reassurance i just never seem to get it. I have a really bad mindset but i gave myself the validation and reassurance i needed. I basically just think that all my emotions are my emotions and that he has nothing to do with it. I usually just distract myself. Sometimes i feel like im in the relationship alone
I just read a great book called no more Mr. Nice guy by Dr. Robert Glover. It was very life-changing in the way that I realize my whole life I’ve been a people pleaser, seeking love and validation from women, and not trusting in my own strength and confidence. it caused a lot of problems in my life.