Bad relationship with mother and family

WARNING!!!

My mom ha a temper and has no patience, she doesn't listen to me or care about what I feel. She thinks I'm spoiled (I'm not, I barely even ask her for anything because I know how she would react). to her, her wants for me and feelings only mattered. She wants me to fear her because she thinks that is showing respect, she wants me to tuck my tail like a dog. my dad is barely around, he's working around and seldom comes home, so he's unaware of what's happening in our home, sometimes my mom would tell my dad pieces of stuff and exaggerate it to make me look bad. my dad unable to discipline because of the nature of his work, hed just follow whatever my mom says, my brother's personality is similar to my mom, he'd sometimes support my mom's way of scolding me. there's only 2 of us, and I'm the youngest.

my family would constantly tell me:

"you should be understanding and patient because you are the youngest" "we sent you to a catholic school what have you learned?!; is that what they teach you there?"

seriously? 

from what I know, isn't it the elders and the older siblings supposed to be patient and understanding? they're supposed to be role models as they have experienced more in life. they should be the ones who should be mindful of their actions and words. before judging my behavior they should reflect on their own because I've only been learning and adapting from them. they often say "you should fix your attitude, I've loved, cared, and sacrificed for yuu" but honest I've never felt love from them "why are you not like the other daughter who are very sweet and kind to their mothers" uhm because you where never kind or sweet to me. why would i do something like that. its weird, we were never that kind of family. If they want me to change, should they start first? to whom do i imitate those actions? when i never felt and experienced it. why would they expect me to do something like that? it wont be easy for me to change, though i try to unlearn the negative behaviors i picked up from them and adapt a kinder and gently attitude so i can give love to people who deserve to receive it.(my future fam) they should reflect on how they have treated me, what they call discipline wasn't discipline but vi*le*ce. they instilled fear. there's no loving in that.

they make me out to be a bad daughter, and i no longer give a f. if I'm the villain then so be it. they say I'm a black sheep, the problem, the difficulty one, they blame everything to me as if it was my fault for being born. i didn't ask to be here or be born. i don't understand why I'm being treated like this, was what i did really wrong to the point that i deserve to be physically h*r*. Was what i felt so wrong? dont i really get it? am i really a r*be* for insisting and wanting to b listed and understood? am i really that problematic? 

nobody listens to me or tries to understand me. whenever i try to explain my side, i am told that I'm rude and disrespectful. "i dont care what happened or whose fault is it, I'm trying to lecture you so you better listen!" "you'll only talk when asked" but they never relly bother to know the truth and ask.

"stop blaming others, stop pointing fingers, just accept that you made a mistake" they want me to apologize, but they never apologize when they did me wrong or dirty. though at times it was my fault for being run by emotions, sometimes i can't just contain and bottle it up, i snap and ex*pl*de.

it frustrating because i wasn't even blaming, i was just trying to explain myself and the situation so they can understand it better and give a good judgement but they just end up saying "excuses". now, I've given up defending myself, i jest let them ruin my image, and let the words pass from one ear to another, and taught myself not to care so i dont get hurt that much.

she said she's not scolding me for no reason but guiding me to learn and be a better person, however her words were far from helpful. she'd cu*se** at me saying things like:

"you won't succeed in life, but if you do your husband will ab*se** you and your children will emotionally h*r*T you" and that i deserve it for being a bad daughter, and that it will be my karma. she'd laugh and stick her tongue out mocking me. 

she'd also say things like:

"i should k**l**d you when you were still in my stomach" or "i should've sqe**zd* / crumpled you like a piece of paper to be de*for^d / mis**car**d*"

so tell me if it were you would you sit there and listen to that or you'll turn around and walk away because that's what i did. and when i walk away she say:

"That's why you never learn, you resist to listen to me and learn"

"if you do not want a mother to teach you then get out of my house and live far away from me" 

"you won't sur**vive without me, ou need me" (financially i do, i am a student and from a lower middle class family, and in the Philippines parents are obligated to aid their children until they can stand on their own, its frown upon if a teen starts to work when their parents can still support for them)

"i wasted a lot of money on you, you're st**pd, you barely pass/ you failed a subject, you need me!"

"you haven't accomplished anything yet what will you do without me? pro**st**** yourself?"

and so much more.

one reason why I decided not to get married and have kids. i don't want to be like my mother, and I feel like she has put a cur*e on me, she wants me to be in pain in all aspects of life, she wants me miserable. I fear that I'm bound to repeat the pattern she has done to me. it's all I know, i don't know how to be gentle or kind. 

I can't and I won't be the woman I dreamed of becoming. even my future career is at risk of ruination and failure.