Are some people just made to be alone? Am I?
All my life I've been pretty introverted. I've never been someone who has to have dozens of people around me at all times. I'm comfortable in my own company, I require time on my own to recharge my social battery.
The last time I had friend(s) plural was in high school. We were a small but pretty tight group, and I miss that even now 19 years later.
My longest friendship was with a girl I knew from 6th grade through high school. She was my best friend, and we were there for each other through some hard stuff. When my parents divorced and I ended up alone at home thinking about it all the time, she would come over or pick me up and we'd go to the pharmacy where her dad worked and just hang out in her car until he got off work and then she'd take me home and they'd go home.
But then one day she just stopped answering my messages, and eventually when I never got any sort of response from her I assumed it meant she didn't have anything to say to me and stopped trying.
Then a few years later, the church my family went to got a new youth pastor. He and my brother got pretty close, they were close in age and had a lot of similar interests. Likewise, the youth pastor's wife and I became friends. After about two years, the same thing happened again. One day I texted her for the last time and she hasn't spoken to me since.
Ever since then, my friendships have been 100% online. Which isn't to discount them, because I've met some wonderful, amazing people from all over the place, and I've been fortunate enough to get to meet some of them in person. I think I might be closer to them than I've been to anyone in a very long time. But it's not the same as having someone who can come over and sit beside you on the couch when you're feeling lonely, who you can go to the movies or out to dinner with.
I'm still very much an introvert and I highly value my alone time. I just wish it didn't have to ALL be alone time. Whatever I do; shopping, theaters, adventures downtown, I do alone.
I've tried to make new friends offline, but I don't have any hobbies or interests. I check forums and meetup websites for local events to see if there is anything that catches my eye, that sounds fun, that sparks interest. There's nothing.
Two weeks ago I turned 34. The sum total of my romantic experience is this: when I was 6 years old, there was an upperclassman at my school who assisted the gym teacher and a lot of the girls in my 2nd grade class had crushes on him. One day at the end of class someone untied his shoelaces and when he sat on the bleachers to retie them I ran up and pecked him on the cheek.
The end.
I've tried half a dozen dating apps. I even got desperate enough to pay subscriptions for some of them for awhile. But I'm wasting my time.
In that high school friend group, there were guys and girls. Two or three times through high school, one of the guys dated all the girls in the group one after another.
Except for me. Never me.
I've been in love. I'm in love right now. With a gay man who lives 700 miles away from me. So I know that it has less than no chance of ever even happening. But I don't want anybody else. I've tried. I'm still on those dating apps (though I gave up paying for them and most of them are utterly unusable if you don't pay) but I'm still wasting my time.
I look for him everywhere I go, I've tried and tried to find someone to take his place. And I'm still alone. It's not fair to anyone involved. Not to me, not to the men I catch myself comparing to him. Maybe I should just take the hint the universe has been hammering me over the head with.
That I was put here to live and be and die alone.
I connected with a lot of what you said in your post...being introverted, having a complicated history of friendships, feeling a desire to connect, fearing both living and dying alone...I get it. I guess that somewhat means that I wouldn't be the best person to offer you any advice lol - maybe only to say that I think it's important to keep trying and never stop looking for love - but more than anything, I just wanted to take a moment to say that you are not alone. I've been feeling alone more lately than ever - almost like I am an alien in this world - but it has helped to get on here and see that others go through some of the things I do and also have some of the same issues, thoughts and fears I have. So, while I cannot comfort you on your couch, I hope my sentiments help, at least a little, virtually from my space to yours. :)
@turtlePated I am sorry you are feeling this pain. Believe me, no one is put on this earth with a predetermined existence. It’s rather a trick of the mind that tells us so. I used to be quite introverted. Not as much any more. Had a hard time with romance and connecting with others, not so much any more. Keep searching, keep moving forward and let go of ideas of predetermined fate. Life can hold many wonderful surprises. May you find many blessings ahead.
@hopefulPond6108 I'm struggling with this idea of pre determined fate. Cos sometimes I feel really exhausted by my efforts and prayers and i still don't get what I want. So I conclude that it must be destiny's pick.
@Creamyyy If destiny has decided, then you no longer have to put in the effort of finding ways to get what you want. But the want remains. Sounds painful. Sometimes “try harder” is not the answer, sometimes “try something different” is a better answer. The lightbulb was invented only after hundreds of failed attempts of trying something different. And as for prayer, it is said, God helps those who help themselves. If you can prove that destiny rules, then destiny must apply to us all, if it doesn’t apply to everyone, then the hypothesis is flawed. When I decided to try things differently, things changed. So, was I destined to succeed after having failed so many times? Or did destiny have nothing to do with it? It makes my head hurt to try and give “destiny” any more of my consideration. I hope you seriously consider kicking destiny to the curb, and try something different. What have you got to lose?
This is great advice. I have heard and read this concept and theory multiple times, but you just summarized it perfectly. It is also one of the hardest things I have ever done. Thank you for posting this.
@turtlePated A lot of this sounds so familiar. Ive been alone as well, eating alone and going to movies alone. Been part of friendships where only I made efforts and eventually I stopped. Loneliness made me force myself into relationships that turned out to be bad and now I don't bother. Sometimes, I, too, wonder if this is just destiny. If I was only made to be this alone.