An open diary entry..

(Possible triggers) I sent it. I finally sent it. But I’ve always sent my goodbyes to him.. Then i delete them after regretting it and second guessing myself. These men, women too, they always have me second guessing myself.. Believing in the one in the wrong all the time. Giving them so much of me, so much consideration, so much time and effort, so much love and care. Even as far as throwing out my own dignity and entertaining them. To make them momentarily happy hoping that it will help me hold onto them a little while longer. Am i really that desperate for love? Sure, I dated him first, then another woman, whom he contacted and created another relationship with, became his main while I was brushed aside. He kept blocking and unblocking me, gaslighting me, saying it was all in my head.. That she was after him and that she was the one hating me. Of course she does, what woman wouldn’t hate’ the other woman’. She used to be the other woman in my eyes. But he played me. Played us both. Used my love. Proposed to me. Knowing how much i wished to not be a secret but to be official again. Took it away from me with another lie. Nightmares tormented ME because none of it felt right while he slept like a baby. Afraid I was, to call him at any time because he would block or reject my calls at random. But he could call me whenever. My time wasn’t valuable to him. I want valuable to him. Not just him. But all of them. I kissed someone else today. I felt happy but i felt tears welling up behind my eyes. I felt like he too would tell me goodbye again soon. He did before, so why wouldn’t he again? I’m literally afraid of anyone proposing to me now.

If anyone were to propose to me again.. be it to start another official relationship, a promise ring, a marriage… if it’s not for them to trap me for their own personal gain.. I don’t know what will possibly convince me otherwise..

I have been told by one perpetrator he got me pregnant on purpose in order to keep me forever. That he loved me since before I knew him.

I’ve been told by another that he was in love and obsessed me for years and jealous and angry that I wouldn’t just let him take me and have me while i stuck with awful men that he says he was better than. He lashed out at me several times over the years even when we had the just friends convo several times.

I gave into desire of the flesh and became a play thing for others to vent out and explore their own desires because I thought I didn’t deserve real love or one that was just for me.

True love became a fantasy I could only dream of, watch on dramas or read about. To believe something that miraculous could be mine, was out of the question after my heart and my spirit was shattered so many times.

After all these years of disappointments and failed relationships and after failing myself.. you would think I would’ve given up. No.. I still had a glimmer of hope inside of me. Silently walking about. Sometimes dancing, sometimes singing.

There, I deleted it again.. Knowing he may possibly contact me again but only to confirm that he has some hold over me.

I can’t go through with this any longer. I have to let it go.

This..what should I call it?

A mission? A journey? A search? Whatever it is, I have to let it go.

Yeah I’ve tried searching for the love within myself. Give myself time. Maybe it’s still not enough yet.. I won’t ever make up for the time I gave to anyone else. I enjoyed myself and enjoyed seeing how I created joy for others. I loved it. I loved them.

I won’t give up on myself. But I will get back to doing more for myself.. I don’t like being selfish but I guess in a way I was being selfish by continuing to pursue these dead-end relationships. They may not have wanted anything serious with me beyond sexual needs or temporary companionship but it was still selfish of me to lay out my feelings for any of them and expect any kind of reciprocation.

I must go back to steeling my heart. Sadly it will hurt. Sadly I know I wish to love. Sadly my love is too intense. This energy? I must convert it to other productive thoughts and actions. Healthier hobbies that I can commit to on my own without worrying about others and their input. I’ve held back all these years out of fear I was too much or too little for the world.

This is like an open diary. I hope this isn’t used by someone else. Even as I write this I feel I can already picture myself watching a film with something like this in it. Lol..

I want to love but now it scares me. I have finally realized I wasted all of my chances. If anyone finds themselves reading this.. I truly hope you find happiness, peace and love within yourself, your life, and the things you do. May whoever you are, be lucky enough to find your one true love and may they love you wholeheartedly.