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sympatheticCranberry4498
3 5,273 M Seeking Light 8
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts454 Forum posts11 Forum upvotes9 Current upvotes9 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2025 Member sinceJuly 22, 2024
Bio

Hello everyone

I’m thankful for 7 Cups

it offers a new form of peace knowing there are others out there that I may chat with at any time

i appreciate every interaction here


Recent forum posts
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An open diary entry..
Relationship Stress / by sympatheticCranberry4498
Last post
 February 10th
...See more (Possible triggers) I sent it. I finally sent it. But I’ve always sent my goodbyes to him.. Then i delete them after regretting it and second guessing myself. These men, women too, they always have me second guessing myself.. Believing in the one in the wrong all the time. Giving them so much of me, so much consideration, so much time and effort, so much love and care. Even as far as throwing out my own dignity and entertaining them. To make them momentarily happy hoping that it will help me hold onto them a little while longer. Am i really that desperate for love? Sure, I dated him first, then another woman, whom he contacted and created another relationship with, became his main while I was brushed aside. He kept blocking and unblocking me, gaslighting me, saying it was all in my head.. That she was after him and that she was the one hating me. Of course she does, what woman wouldn’t hate’ the other woman’. She used to be the other woman in my eyes. But he played me. Played us both. Used my love. Proposed to me. Knowing how much i wished to not be a secret but to be official again. Took it away from me with another lie. Nightmares tormented ME because none of it felt right while he slept like a baby. Afraid I was, to call him at any time because he would block or reject my calls at random. But he could call me whenever. My time wasn’t valuable to him. I want valuable to him. Not just him. But all of them. I kissed someone else today. I felt happy but i felt tears welling up behind my eyes. I felt like he too would tell me goodbye again soon. He did before, so why wouldn’t he again? I’m literally afraid of anyone proposing to me now. If anyone were to propose to me again.. be it to start another official relationship, a promise ring, a marriage… if it’s not for them to trap me for their own personal gain.. I don’t know what will possibly convince me otherwise.. I have been told by one perpetrator he got me pregnant on purpose in order to keep me forever. That he loved me since before I knew him. I’ve been told by another that he was in love and obsessed me for years and jealous and angry that I wouldn’t just let him take me and have me while i stuck with awful men that he says he was better than. He lashed out at me several times over the years even when we had the just friends convo several times. I gave into desire of the flesh and became a play thing for others to vent out and explore their own desires because I thought I didn’t deserve real love or one that was just for me. True love became a fantasy I could only dream of, watch on dramas or read about. To believe something that miraculous could be mine, was out of the question after my heart and my spirit was shattered so many times. After all these years of disappointments and failed relationships and after failing myself.. you would think I would’ve given up. No.. I still had a glimmer of hope inside of me. Silently walking about. Sometimes dancing, sometimes singing. There, I deleted it again.. Knowing he may possibly contact me again but only to confirm that he has some hold over me. I can’t go through with this any longer. I have to let it go. This..what should I call it? A mission? A journey? A search? Whatever it is, I have to let it go. Yeah I’ve tried searching for the love within myself. Give myself time. Maybe it’s still not enough yet.. I won’t ever make up for the time I gave to anyone else. I enjoyed myself and enjoyed seeing how I created joy for others. I loved it. I loved them. I won’t give up on myself. But I will get back to doing more for myself.. I don’t like being selfish but I guess in a way I was being selfish by continuing to pursue these dead-end relationships. They may not have wanted anything serious with me beyond sexual needs or temporary companionship but it was still selfish of me to lay out my feelings for any of them and expect any kind of reciprocation. I must go back to steeling my heart. Sadly it will hurt. Sadly I know I wish to love. Sadly my love is too intense. This energy? I must convert it to other productive thoughts and actions. Healthier hobbies that I can commit to on my own without worrying about others and their input. I’ve held back all these years out of fear I was too much or too little for the world. This is like an open diary. I hope this isn’t used by someone else. Even as I write this I feel I can already picture myself watching a film with something like this in it. Lol.. I want to love but now it scares me. I have finally realized I wasted all of my chances. If anyone finds themselves reading this.. I truly hope you find happiness, peace and love within yourself, your life, and the things you do. May whoever you are, be lucky enough to find your one true love and may they love you wholeheartedly.
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Confused Relationships/Situation-ships
Relationship Stress / by sympatheticCranberry4498
Last post
 November 15th, 2024
...See more Hello,  (Backstory) Previously I posted about my ex that left me for another woman and told me that we were broken up. He had a regular habit of blocking me on everything when he was upset and would unblock me when he was ready to talk or pretend that he never did that (the blocking or the cheating).  I mentioned how I tried to move on after about 6 months passed. Since then, the guy I was seeing clarified he doesn't want anything serious but also wants to continue with things as they are without title or expectation of things changing. Suffice to say: just friends. My ex returned, proposed to me with a ring, something I had always wanted and asking me to move in and get married right away. I asked for time to think about it after everything that had happened and now he's upset I said I won't move in right away and took that as me not wanting to be with him. He called me his fiancé over the phone, but now he's brushing me off like night and day after a few days. I just don't know what to do.. I get so much anxiety from his night/day changes, everything about him changes, including his decisions or things we discuss whenever his family gets involved. We could have one plan and that plan suddenly be nullified. Or he could be in his own head, which I can understand is something we all do from time to time but I still do my best to discuss things with him and not just spout plans.  My friends are not happy about this turn of events. Our kids are upset and confused. We just want to be happy and live in peace but each time it's like the universe is against us.
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Parents Disabling You From Living Your Life?
Relationship Stress / by sympatheticCranberry4498
Last post
 August 20th, 2024
...See more Not sure where this post belongs.. Please correct me if I chose wrong, sorry for any trouble in advance. This may be a bit of a read. Ever believe that the way you were raised and the way you live now has been filled with contradictions? From being a bold to shy, people pleaser to speaker-upper, a daughter to a maid, a mother to nothing but a child?  Sounds confusing right? Well, my issue, and my thoughts hit me today and figured I would share and get an opinion: My mother rules my life and my family will always have the last say so long as I am part of it regardless of how I am treated by anyone in said family. My mother has always been the controlling type. I am not a child, I'm in my mid thirties and just moved back a few years ago, we both agreed to help each other out. My job wasn't paying enough and hers wasn't either, the bills were increasing and ultimately so was our debt.  "Join forces for the better good!" Or so I thought.  While being under the same roof as your parents would be a nightmare for some and a blessing for others, it's kind of in between for me. So long as I steer clear as much as I can and don't share my opinions on anything she approaches me with, we're good. Now, I pay my fair share of the bills, we split it and both have full time jobs. I take care of and maintain the house, raise my kid, and help with ANY tasks she and my siblings have. There's little to no boundaries in the household. Until recently, I started seeing someone, and she has an issue with it. She doesn't want them coming over to spend any time with me for fear of it being inappropriate for my kid to see. I can understand if we were doing PDA but we literally were just watching TV and playing board games/video games, which my kid even takes part in sometimes.  I've had friends over before, and even one recently that I had to cut ties with considering they were trying to cross a line that had been made long ago. After multiple times telling them we're just friends they kept pushing and became jealous that I started to see someone else. My mother favored this friend because she found them cute and liked that they would spend money whenever they came over. My mother has always been one to say "date a person with money and not for love as that can come later". I have always been someone to date for love and grow a partnership with someone.  All that aside, is it right that I should not be able to have visitors? (As she has now clarified none shall visit). As I have thought this over other things came to mind: she doesn't allow me to have a sitter come into the house, she doesn't allow me to go out on my own without my kid unless she or a family member is watching my kid, she won't allow me to go on trips or do anything. I run myself thin as it is by piling on all the responsibilities of the house and anything and everything everyone needs. To the point I'm referred to as the Cinderella of the group to my friends. Make more money and get out is not the option, as I have done that and was ridiculed by my whole family for it. That also did nothing for my kids relationship with her and only made me the bad guy even more.  I miss out and have missed out on many things in my life to fulfill my family's needs. They are most important to me but I feel like I have forgotten who I am in the midst of all that. What would you do? Or should I just suck it up and wait 10 more years and hope for the best at this point?
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Emotional Pain
Relationship Stress / by sympatheticCranberry4498
Last post
 August 13th, 2024
...See more Ever feel physical pain when you’re heartbroken?  I feel so torn. How do people just let go when they break up and see someone else? is the pain in my chest me fighting to let go of someone I have loved so so many years? He left me multiple times and I kept letting him back in. Now he’s dating someone else. This time I am trying to see someone else  and move on too. But he came back to ask me to marry him and I said no.  Was I stupid? I want to be happy. I don’t want to be in fear of sharing my feelings. Starting over is scary but losing him completely is even scarier.  I feel so much pain I don’t know how to deal with it. I can’t talk to my new person in my life about it either because I don’t want to scare them off. I thought I was over him but he had to come and say those things to me. I question if I am meant to be happy
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Choosing a partner, past traumas, from toxic to healthy
Relationship Stress / by sympatheticCranberry4498
Last post
 August 6th, 2024
...See more Having the chance to have loved, to have been loved, all great.  Who’s my partner to be?  I’ve always been in relationships that turn out to become super toxic for both me and the person I’m with. I am a clingy person and enjoy every moment with who I choose to date.  My most recent relationship, like previous ones; the guy would break up with me and come back saying it was never over.. now he wants to marry me (has said it before over the years) but I wish I could’ve gotten that as the real deal long before the pain and the feeling of being thrown away and welcoming him back all the time.  I’ve lost friends that had ulterior motives and wanted more than friendship while i was dating. Recently lost one because they revealed they were pretty much trying to buy my affection. You could say I’m an odd female that wants more than the material things, i want love and affection too. And most importantly respect.  Now here a great guy comes along and is mind blowing. Gives me attention, before i bring up my insecurities, his actions alone reassure me that I’m going to be okay and that he really cares about me and wants to talk with me or spend time with me.  My toxic ex decided that proposing to me would be a great idea. Why now? Why use that as the last resort? I love him yes but i worry if this is another ploy to get what he wants.  I’m happy for the first time in what seems to be my first healthy relationship. I’m only struggling to accept that because I’m not used to it
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