Am I the problem?
I recently met this guy and we really clicked, texting everyday and enjoying each other's company. Today he told me he can't be with me. I understand that sometimes things come up and a relationship is not what you need at the time but every time I click with a guy it never ends well for me. They'll spend weeks talking to me, going out with me, telling me they like me and then they're always not ready for a relationship or they straight up ghost me.
I just don't know what to do anymore, am I the problem?
@Humaymay
Hello Humaymay
Relationships can be very dramatic. Emotions, hormones, humans, and feelings is
a pot being stirred but who knows what is going on, on the other side.
You don’t know what you don’t know. But when people ghost you, ya .. your feelings are valid when you get ghosted. It is painful when you don’t know.
You are stronger than you think. We believe in you and have faith in you.
Do you think it is because the right one hasn’t come along?
@Barltik2065
Hi Barltik ☺️ thank you so much for the advice and kind words.
I definitely agree, we never actually know what's going on with the other person in a relationship and over time I've realised it's because communication is easier said than done.
I think it could be because the right one hasn't come along. I feel that because I've had bad dating experiences that any time I meet someone that shares interests in me and has a few green flags I'm ready to give them a chance. I find it difficult to be on my own so I don't exercise patience and caution when I choose a partner, so I only find out they aren't right for me once I'm attached and invested in the relationship.
@Humaymay
Absolutely, we are here for you. We care.
If you ever what to talk with a Listener you can the list here
They are here for you if you need. You are worth it.
Why do you think you find it difficult to be on your own?
@Barltik2065
I'm not really sure, I've been trying to do some self reflection to understand why I feel like I can't be on my own. It's also a personal goal of mine to get to a point where I'm comfortable with being by myself
@Humaymay
Interesting!
What for kind of self-reflection have you done?
Do you have any theories developed?
And what a wonderful goal to reach point of being by yourself! We believe in
you!
What do you think the kind of person would be that can by themselves?
@Barltik2065
Mostly journaling, I feel like it's an easy way to go back and reflect and understand how I'm feeling and what I was thinking at the time.
I do have some theories developed but the one I feel is most significant is the fact that I didn't really get much attention or affection as a child so it almost feels like I'm trying to make up for all that lost time.
I think it would be the kind of person who is comfortable with their mind, body and soul. I know for myself I'm not yet comfortable with any of that and it's why I constantly need something to do or distract me.
@Humaymay
Nothing scares someone off faster then a person who after a few interactions/ dates ... one person is talking forever and long term ...... i know often one person in this situation may have feelings first and may want to speed the other along to be on the same page.......... IMO this never ends well.
real connection takes time and people grow into feelings at different speeds.... Are you friends with any EX or a third party that has observed your relationships that can give constructive criticism ..... i think it sometimes is hard to hear but a couple of close people in my life have told me hard truths of what i do in certain situations and while i can be mad it gives me real insight and things to work on.
@toughTiger6481
Thank you so much for your advice!
I definitely agree, there's nothing scarier than hearing long term talk after knowing each other for a short time. I've had it happen to me, so I do try my best to not bring those things up until the other person is ready to talk about it themselves. But I will definitely be more mindful of it in the future.
I do have an ex that I can ask about this and I think it will be super helpful to get their perspective. Its definitely going to be a hard pill to swallow but it might give me some valuable insight ☺️
Hey hey! You are definitely not the problem. We live in a society where everyone is scared to love where everyone has lost the way of loving others, so they engage in short term relationships also because they are happy to be in their comfort zone. I personally am a male and have a lot of friends like these, especially at a young age. The problem is them and their low self-esteem or low values they can share with you or anyone. Maybe I tell you this because I still believe that love can rule the world, but I have been there and of course it sucks! Happy to talk about if you want
@mrkmgll
Your positivity is amazing and refreshing ☺️
I really appreciate you giving me insight on where some people might be coming from. I've never been able to put myself in the shoes of someone who only wants something short term but this clears some questions up for me. I don't know if it's true for every situation I've been in but it's a possibility. I also believe that love can change the world!
We are rare individuals apparently and we must reserve our love for who really deserves it. It’s hard in the short-term but the cost is worth it for your whole life! I am struggling as well on this, I can’t find anyone who has my same point of view on what love means.
@mrkmgllEverybody deserves to be loved. You deserved to be loved. We love you and we Believe in you.
We know it is hard but it is worth it.
There are so many different Loves. A love for your pet. A love for you
sibling(s). A love for your Parents. Each of these loves are valid and each are
different. Each of them is amazing with the capacity at which we can have it.
You have proven you are strong for you are here.
And sometimes the Journey is as valuable as the Goal. For we learn more of Love and the value along with cost of it. The pain of loss will be great but I feel it is worthy versus not to have loved at all.
100% agree with you. I think there are different shades of love, and/or different intensity. It’s hard to scale but I believe that if you are in a high scale of loving you must match someone with a similar level otherwise the gap would be too much and would make it not worth. Of course you discover this with time, and yes with the Journey.
We should definitely reserve our hearts and love for those who deserve it, but we also mustn't let that limit our interactions and stop us from spreading kindness.
I agree it's definitely a difficult journey finding that special person but you will find that person. You can save that special love you have for the person who deserves it but in the mean time don't forget to water your other relationships with love too, there's many types of love and all are valid. Don't lose hope 💜
Absolutely! I was just referring to love for your future partner
@Humaymay
Humaymay,
You are an amazingly complex, gifted, talented, and a wonderful
person.
I am sure during your times of reflection you will find some of the most inspiring
moments. Moments that Oprah’s “Lightbulb” or Einstein’s Gotchas, to the little
special moments, where you know the heart strings are pulled in the most
positive fashion.
Perspective is everything. As I read down through each of you writings and I
see creativity, love, compassion, and empathy all over.
Have faith, you got it! You are far stronger than you think. We believe in you.
Here is a LINK for Self-Help. Maybe there is some tools in there to help with the Mind, Body, and Soul.
@Humaymay You asking yourself if you're the problem tells me you're not the problem. I can't speak for other peoples actions, yet don't blame yourself. If someone has an issue with you then they should tell you and not block or hide from you cause that's really damaging to mental health. Maybe you or they need some space which is ok, but please don't blame yourself hon.
@WellsFiction I really appreciate everything you had to say, sometimes it's really helpful hearing what someone who is looking at the situation from the outside has to say ☺️
@Humaymay Totally! Glad I could help :)
@WellsFiction
You are most welcome. And you are Worthy :)
@Humaymay Well hit me up. I'll treat you right 😊
I think hurt people will hurt other people.there is a concept called betrayal trauma.sounds like the other individual put up a shell and found it easier to run away
@Humaymay
Im really sorry to hear that you're going through this again. It's understandable to feel frustrated and disappointed. Just know that you deserve someone who is ready and willing to be in a committed relationship with you. Take some time for yourself, focus on your interests, and keep an open mind for new possibilities. The right person will come along when the time is right. You're a wonderful person, and you shouldn't settle for anything less than what you deserve.
@YahyaAhmed thank you for your kind words. I definitely do need to spend some time focusing on myself. I've spent a lot of energy on failed relationships so maybe it's time to look out for me for once
@Humaymay
That would be great and it will come back with great impact in your life
