toxic friendship but scared to cut off

@blazingsky

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

My friend is suffering from menatal health problems, specifically anxiety and depression. I was trying my best to listen and be there but it got to the point where not a single day would go by without her mentioning mental breakdowns or panic attacks even if it was just to tell me oh I almost had an anxiety attack earlier and blah blah blah. (At first it will feel okay since she is sharing how she feels, but after awhile it just feels overwhelming. I can tell she never felt heard, understood, noticed, or as important growing up, so this turns into unmet needs and then she begins to latch into you on order to get those unmet needs met) It was as if anything that could possibly be wrong she'd bring up and talk about as if it was an achievement or soemthing. Some would even call it attention seeking, even though I know she was actually hvaing a hard time, (I think that she has this need to connect and to feel understood which is why she behaving this way) it was not the right thing to be doing as it helped nobody to talk like that. Another girl who hangs out with us I could tell was being negatively affected by her too (There's nothing wrong with sharing and relying on others, but she is over-relying and sharing with other people to the point its affects other people. The way she is over-sharing will often push other people, theres needs to be a balance between sharing and sharing too much) and then this friend started calling them "panic attack buddies". She later said this was merely a coping mechanism which, ok I kind of understand, (No...she was just being rude and decided to use excuses to justify her behavior)but everything else whether it be meds or cutting or just feeing sick... it was honestly starting to get too much.

So I had this ananymous account kind of thing on instagram where I didn't know anybody and posted random tumblr textposts or memes or whatever. In the comments of posts sometimes it would be random or sometimes I'd check in on my followers or vent and tell them about my life, kinda like a blog sort of thing. I explained this situation to them, ensuring no names were mentioned, as this was my safe space and I figured nothing really could happen because none of them would ever see me anyway. Well somehow my freinds got a hold of it and saw that I had said this. She was angry and said she didn't trust me and proceeded to completely ignore me for a good 3 days, (I dont think you target someone on your posts, but from the looks of it your friend have deep issues which made her feel as if you were pointing fingers at her. You didn't do anything wrong, and she used the silent treatment (emotional abuse) on order to communicate she is mad) despite seeing me every one of those days. (She has zero communication issues and would rather ignore others on order to make them feel how she feels)

Finally we got to the point of talking and I explained that some of it was misinterpreted as being about her, (after mentioning my situatoin with her I was talking generally about society and people who do things for attention and romanitsise mental health problems becasue they think it make them more intersting) which I could understand. She also said some things to me and about another freind's reaction, (This is a friend who also don't know how to express themeselves so they will talk bad about you without openly wanting to talk about it with you) which I was pretty taken aback by. I decided to talk to this other person to see if we were ok, and tell her what she'd apparently said about me. This was denied and so she was mad a my friend for 'making it up'. (This is just wow...so you confront her and she is denying everything...) My freind then got angry at me again (The way she get angry over this is just a way to manipulate you and also because of her insecurities) and told me to stop putting words in her mouth claiming that she had never said that (Oh so now she is saying she never said that....She obviously coming across as a liar and immature) and obviously I didn't care about her mental health because it was my fault for this drama, (She is making you feel responsible for how she feels, and thats not okay. She is using some sort of guilt trip by saying "You don't care about my mental health" and then blaming you for her emotions by saying "it was all your fault". You didn't do anything wrong, she misunderstood everything, felt negatively due to her issues and then projected how she feels on you.) but I would bet money on the fact she said that because it was the one thing that kind of hurt from our talk so it stuck with me. (She said it, but wants to be on denial with you)

All in all I don't know what's being made up. I've tried to explain to her that I understand why she got angry and that it was never my intention to hurt her, (You didn't do anything wrong, and you can't reason with someone who behaves like her because it will end up in her throwing emotions at you) I didn't care anymore what she had said orwhat others said, she didn't have to trust me but I didn't want to abandon her, (It's not about abandoning her, she is mistreating you and thats not okay) and that I accept responsibility for some of this mess (You are "accepting responsability" on order to be in good graces with her because you didn't do anything wrong, she misinterpreted everything with her friend) but that I believe the fault is shared between everyone involved. (Nope, it was your two friends fault) Nope. No reply. (She is ignoring you out of her insecurities, and wanting to punish you for not behaving or doing what she wanted. She is being immature, and not communicating like an adult) I don't know what to do anymore. (Do nothing...) Do I just not talk to her and leave her alone? (Yes, leave her alone because you don't deserve to be treated like this) She's struggling though and doesn't have many people in school so I'm weary about doing that, (Yeah she is strugguling, but it doesn't give her a reason to mistreat and ignore you. I understand you care, but she pushed you away) but I don't want this toxic negativity from her either. (Being friends with her will mean; 1) Putting your needs seconds, 2) constantly talking about her issues, 3) Being ignored if she perceives you didn't behave or do what she wanted, 4) One sided friendship where she gets everything) So do I keep trying to talk to her or let her come to me? (If you reach out to her it will communicate this; "Hey you mistreated me and ignored me, but i will still reach out to you. This doesn't communicate self respect, she will ignore you if you reach out. Let her reach out) How do I help make this better? (Nothing because you didn't do anything wrong, she needs to be the one to fix it)What can I do? This is all I can think about but she still seems to think I don't really care about her. (You do care about her because you always listened. She feels like you don't care because the insecurities and issues she has)

@blazingsky "You can still be a good person and say no."

I don't know who exactly said this or the source (it's not me!) but I thought of this when reading your post. I think you already got a good response so I think all I can really add is that there's only so much you can do for one person. You may be a *friend* but I would assume that you're not a professional doctor or anything like that who is equipped to handle something like this. And that's okay. It's also okay for you to step back and realize that this toxic friendship isn't good for you, either.

I didn't have this sort of relationship but I knew someone who could be VERY emotionally draining and in retrospect I realize I put in a lot of emotional labor into someone who was very much a taker. In the end we drifted apart (I was no longer of any use to her) but I found that the healthiest thing I could do was to cut off contact. She wasn't going to change (and while we've lost touch it's my understanding she hasn't really come to terms with her personal issues) and I could not put myself there for her anymore, even at random times (she was the type that I'd suspect would contact me out of the blue becasue she NEEDED something and I would have been the best person to give it to her).

In the end,she's not your responsibility. You've got to do what's best for you. Good luck!