How to move on from losing your best friend?
My best friend and I lived together in our college apartment. Our senior year was a little rocky with some fights but we somewhat worked it out. This summer I got really depressed and su*c*dal and I told her (ive never told anyone when ive been su*c*dal before) and she basically said it was my fault for getting me into that position and to fuck off. As time went on it was getting bad because she was ignoring me and if you've ever been in that mindset before, that makes it 10x worse. I asked her if she could just acknowledge my presence, like say hi if i walk in or something because it was killing me. She said she will try to "attend to my wishes" but never did. Anyways our lease was up last month and we moved out into different places.
Anyways the reason I'm posting it is im still not over how she reacted and some of the mean things she said to me. They echo in my head. I was wondering if I should talk to her to try and get closure or what I need to do because its breaking me down. I know I just need to move on but theres something tying me to this situation and I'm stuck. She was my best friend and I think losing her (even after all the things shes said) hurts so bad.
@Mandi365
for me personally I found the easiest way is to just block her on everything at least until I'm more healed from the loss. I have OCD and would find myself going back to her posts a lot to see how she's doing, to see her life is just fine without me. We have to remember though that people mostly present themselves as doing better then they actually are on social media. I can't tell you I know how to handle it, but remember forgiveness does not mean forgetting. I'd say give it some time and you can always be the bigger person and reach out to talk about how things made you feel just to get it out there. However it seems like this friend may respond negatively and make you feel worse. What I'm doing is waiting for them to come to me. And should they do, I will forgive however I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who hurt you in your darkest hours. My best friend/roommate left me homeless after she kicked me out because her boyfriends bro raped me and I reported it to the police. She sees him as family so I was the one who had to go. She didn't even listen to my side of the story and in our last fight she went as far to say as I liked being raped. And that's just not someone I want to be friends with EVER AGAIN. Make sure you don't romantasize the past because it can get you back into that same painful position again
@blueNectarine225
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
@Mandi365
To be honest, that's really sad how she responded to your vulnerability when you opened up about your true feelings. That sounds like a hard situation because, as roommates, I can imagine how close you two must have been. I think maturity and time will change the relationship. I had a falling out with a best friend once and 5 years later, she reached out, apologized and we've been on good terms checking in with each other every month since. At this point in your life though, you and her are about to go your own separate ways with different careers, so the split defintely isn't the end of the world. You'll make new friends in your new community. Maybe the roommate will be replaced with a boyfriend/partner who may become a stable, trusty husband/spouse :)
@Mandi365. I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's hard to understand how a friend can turn like that. I think if it was me and I just couldn't get closure I would wait a few months then text to say you are sorry how things went between you. Keep it short and simple. Friends don't abandoned each other in thier most need though so don't expect much. Work on finding new friends.
@Mandi365
Hey Mandi365 - Sorry to hear what happened - that is pretty cruel how your friend treated you. Don't make excuses for this person. I know you were friends but it sounds like maybe you are better off having some space. I've had close friends and things did not work out - it will always hurt and bother you. But what is important is TAKING CARE OF YOU. Remember that you MATTER and how you treat yourself is what is impt. Take care of you - treat yourself like the wonderful person that you are. Maybe spend time outside in nature, go to some city parks and watch people walking their pets, get some sun. Let some time pass and try not to think about it too much. Take some me time for you.
You never know - you may make some new friends or a better friend pretty soon!! Take care and if you ever want to reach out, feel free to do so.
@lovehummingbirdsCindy thank you so much i really really appreciate this!!
@Mandi365
Not a problem - have a great day!
@Mandi365
I am so sorry that this friend reacted this way to you when you needed her most. I think sometimes people are really unable to deal with hard emotions (like depression) and so act cruelly to avoid dealing with them. You don't deserve behavior like that.
I have had a few friends dump me without explanation or by telling me I am selfish or toxic since I began seeing a therapist and speaking up with friends about hurtful behavior/ learning how to set boundaries - including a roommate who also ignored me for the better part of a year. I know that it is better to have lost people who have acted so callously, but it still makes me feel really sad and question myself.
It is one of the most brutal feelings,I think, losing a friend you trusted, especially when you don't really understand why.
@courageousFig8150 this post has made me realize so many others have been in this situation which makes me feel like im not alone. But i feel bad that so many have experienced this pain, but thank you for this!!
@Mandi365
It is part of life. Friends come and go - sometimes you know why sometimes you don't. Sometimes you are the one fading out for whatever reason. You get better at handling as you get older but it is still never easy. Hang in there!
god I'm so sorry that she reacted to you this way. it's not your fault at all and it's never your fault. she shouldn't have had acted to you like that and pretend like you weren't there. you deserve so much better. losing best friends can be so hard, but if she really hurt you and you still aren't over it (and it's okay if you aren't) she doesn't deserve your time. you need do to what is best for you and what will help you feel better from that. I'm really sorry you had to experience that.
@Mandi365
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. It's really tough losing a best friend in such manner, so I can see why you feel hurt and sad about what happened. I have a couple of points that hopefully might help you.
1) Your best friend seem to be lacking empathy, understanding and doesn't have the ability to listen. She was really mean, inconsiderate of how you felt and blame you for what you are going through.
2) The way she ignored you will cause you to feel a lot of hurt, pain and disconnection. This will trigger past abandonment, and it also put you in survival mode. I'm proud of you for communicating how you felt, and what you needed to feel safe and connected with her. Her response comes across as passive-aggressive, sarcastic and it shows zero consideration to what you needed at that time. This is not the kind of friend you would want because he has repeadtly show you that she is not a good person.
3) You may feel like seeking "Closure" might help you, but it will only bring further hurt and sadness. She will behave in a cruel and inconsiderate way if you attempt to reconnect with her. I do feel it's important to seek your own closure by allowing yourself to feel the loss of the friendship without reaching to her. The pain and hurt you feel right now has to do more with past abandonment than her, although it does really hurt losing a friend.
