Did I overreact to this?
I have a friend of 20 years who I feel in competition with especially since I got married and she got to know my husband.
She did something which I found strange when my husband's mother died. She asked me for his addres in America. I was expecting her to send a mass card. But she sent him a hand written personal card. Her mother had died the month before. Now I get that it's a nice gesture. But she'd only met my husband a few times before this happened. I think she wrote something about wanting to help etc. Which made me feel pretty uncomfortable. I consider that my job to say those things and be the person there for him. I felt threatened.
Anyway when we got back home that year and she visited us at least 5 or 6 times at our house. Each time my husband would hang out with us. And many of these instances left me feeling outside, like a third wheel.
It came to a head last year when I met her and a couple other friends on a night out. The first thing out of her mouth was asking for my husband and looking behind her, expecting him to be there. Bear in mind I hadn't seen her in about 3 months. I explained that he wasn't coming, that I thought it was girls night. To which she visibly sighed and looked dejected.
I couldn't help it. I snapped and said
If you really wanna talk to him, I can go home and get him for you.
She looked shocked and hurt. My other friends were kinda surprised too. But I'd been feeling backed into this corner for long time.
@deehitcher
This is a difficult situation.
1. Does she have a significant other in her life?
2. Have they ever interacted in your absence?
3. Does he usually hang out with your friends when other friends visit you too?
About their comfort and interactions, sometimes people look within safe zones to make friendships that they know will not be misunderstood. Having 20 years friendship with you, perhaps it made them both feel comfortable to connect with each other at a time of distress with the similar situation of losing their mother. They assumed you would be okay with it. Of course it went beyond that comfort to where it made you uncomfortable and feel threatened.
4. Have you ever mentioned that this makes you uncomfortable to your husband?
@0m yes she's married. Same time frame as we are. She has said things to me like 'oh yer so loved up. I'm jealous', or even come across as jealous that we spend all our time together. She said to me once that I should be careful in case her mom ran off with my husband coz her mom had met him a few times and got on well.
There hasn't been much interaction alone coz we're together if she comes to see me or we've gone to visit her once. But each time we're around her I've felt like she's constantly trying to flirt.
I've had friends call and depending on how busy my husband is he can stay and hang out. But I've definitely felt that it's been a threesom with her.
Yes It all spilled out of me. I couldn't keep it back. And especially after that night which was a year ago now almost. He was very reassuring even though at first he said he didn't pick up on anything.
OK the things I find odd probably sound odd too. But for example she used to write things like 'all my love to...' when I'd be messaging her. That's stopped since my blow up.
She had her baby wrapped around her when we went to visit her. The first thing she said when we came in was 'oh my baby is such a perv. He's grabbing my boobs' and immediately where does one look after such a not so subtle suggestion?
Same visit she asked us to smell her baby's head coz of some shampoo or lotion she'd used, forcing us to get within centimetres of her bosom!
@deehitcher
Yep. I'd say you read the signs right. She definitely shows an interest but luckily, it's a one way street. He has not reciprocated and is yours.
When you have a good relationship and are both fun people, there will always be that outside envy. What people don't realize is that it's not just one person that makes a relationship magical, it's the way they act/react as a couple to each other and life that makes them a special couple :) Keep doing everything that you both seem to do so well and all the best to you both! Don't worry about her feelings because as you have rightly reacted, your marriage and happiness come first.
@0m Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it.
It still bugs me. Ive been trying to keep her at a distance as I don't feel she has my interest at heart. But instead keeps me as a friend to know him. I hardly met her last year after that event. I made sure it was just me meeting her for the times I did.
I feel its important to choose who I spend my time with and if I have a friend who makes me feel like that, then it's OK to take a few steps back. Sometimes friends are not what they seem.
