Anger and trust issues. My "best friendship" story and my problems after all this hell ended.
I had a "best friend" for 5 years. We were very close to each other, I told her everything about myself and my life problems, we were talking every day by phone, even though we lived far away from each other, we used to meet rather often. I was lonely when I met her and I needed someone like that, to talk to, to be near me... So it took me 5 years to understand how poisonous she was. She destroyed my self-confidence, never tried to understand my feelings, all that mattered was herself... She used me, she used the fact that I had a little more money then she had, so I bought her things or paid for our holiday... She thought she was better than me, because she was from the capital city and I was from a small town... We had so many arguments I cannot even count, she would even hit me a few times...
I finally managed to leave her. I was struggling with the feeling that I've done something wrong, that maybe it was my fault... What opened my eyes, was the conversation with out mutual friend, that told me these words: 'I never understood how you two can be best friends... I mean, she's so ugly and you're so beautiful'. And yeah I know it's not good to call someone ugly, but the truth is that there are people more and less attractive and for 5 years I was convinced, that I'm the uglier one... So this shows how much she was destuctive to me. I couldn't see my own beauty, when I was with her.
Now I deal with two problems. First is anger. I didn't talk to her since I finally decided to cut off all the contact with her. And I still feel so angry... I imagine doing horrible things to her... I also know that now she tells people that I was "emotionally abusive" and spreads lies about me, which makes me even more angry. What can I do to overcome my own anger?
Another problem is, that she left me untrusting towards other people. I now have a best friend, wonderful person... We do not have every-day contact, we meet about 3-4 times a month and talk by facebook from time to time, but this amount of contact seems enough to both of us, it seems healhy for me, after all those long, destructive phonecalls I had with my ex-friend. So my new best friend is an amazing person, she's very supportive, she boosted my confidence, for two years we didn't have a single argument, even though we have different views on some things... but I don't know how to open myself to her, with talking about my problems... We're friends for two years now and she still doesn't know half of the things about me, that my ex-friend knew after first few months. She doesn't even know I have an appointment with psychologist and that I struggle with symptoms of depression and self-harm... I know I can trust her, because she truly is worth it, but still I don't feel comfortable with talking about myself. How can I cope with it?
Well, all I can say is: pace yourself. Sometimes it's not about the other person, but what's best for you. If she asks you about your wellbeing, and you're not comfortable with sharing, you can say, "hey, um, can I not talk about it? I truly appreciate your concern, but I'm not 100% comfortable with sharing everything about myself yet." You can share about your past experience with your other friend as an explanation.
However, ultimately, what you do is up to you. This is your life, your friend, and you are the ultimate expert on you. You should decide for yourself what you want to share (and what not to). If your best friend is truly a friend, this person will understand.
Hi, thank you for your advice :) But the problem is that I want my best friend to know more about me, I want to tell her, but still something is stopping me, some irrational fear... I'm not sure how to explain it... I'm not sure how she will react, when I tell her... Also, I feel uncomfortable with hiding things, like my scars on my hand or the fact that I'm going to see psychologist... But I'm afraid to tell her about it.
First of all its really good that you ditched that long term friend of yours and found someone who truely wants to be your friends. You know now that's what friendships are all about. You need to respect each other, trust one another and be kind to one another. This anger and stress isn't gonna go away unless you take somw control back to where you were before this has happened. The last thing you wanna do is blame yourself and think that your not worth it because you are. You mentioned about seeing a therapist. Do you think talking to them about how you feel would be a good first step to make? What do you think might help you to feel a bit more relaxed? There's no easy way of coming out with your problems to anyone and I know speaking to a stranger is even harder but just remember that you made that first step. Also about your controlling your anger. Do you remember what you did when you were last angry? Did you try and go for a walk, do some breathing techniques, listen to music or read a book? You may of or may not done any of these activities but I just wanted to get a better understanding on what makes you feel better in yourself when your not angry. It's really important that you surround yourself with actual people who care about you because that's what's gonna make the difference. I hope that helps x