To date or not to date…

That is the questions isn’t it. And wouldn’t it be wonderful if my brain could, for once in our 26 years of life, decide on what it wants.

A brief explanation…. I’ve never dated. I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve been on a couple of dates but nothing ever advanced because I never let it. It never felt right.

However, at the beginning of the year I met this guy. A wonderful, kind, loving guy. We messaged for a few weeks and then met up for a date. We went for a meal and then chatted at his place for a bit. I had a wonderful time. He’s the first person I’ve ever met that I could see sharing a future with. I went home feeling happy.

Enter my conniving little brain. He wanted the arrange another date, a week later. My brain went “ah no I don’t want this”. Why? Oh any and every reason under the sun. He lives there, he has a cat, he hasn’t watched the same tv series as me. Stupid, pointless reasons. But I felt in my gut that I didn’t want it. So I called it off and tried to move forward, thinking maybe dating just isn’t for me.

In the interim from January to now, I’ve thought about him a lot. I’ve been tempted to message him several times but didn’t because I thought he’d have moved on too. My gut told me I didn’t want to be with him, then weeks later he is all I can think about. I went away on holiday with a friend and all I could think was that I wanted to share that holiday with him.

Role around to yesterday. He messaged me. He sent me a message saying he’d been thinking of me and that he just wanted to see how I was doing. If I’ve been thinking of him and he’s been thinking of me, surely that’s a sign right? And my little brain got excited. The butterflies, maybe he’s the one! But this morning, the doubts crept back in and that feeling in the pit of my stomach keeps coming.

I feel like Im on a rollercoaster where every twist and turn and high and low is my brain and body flipping from wanting to be with him to not wanting a relationship at all. I’m scared to give it a go because I don’t want to hurt him and if I have doubts about being in a relationship surely that’s also a sign? It’s kept me up at night and makes me sick to my stomach.

Is this normal? I feel like every choice in my life is some massive decision that need dissecting and scrutinising but it really, probably, isn’t that deep.