Tell me what I need to hear!

A Little Backstory:

I grew up with separated parents who struggled with drug addiction. As a result, I was placed in the custody of my aunt, who was more of a distant relative and given guardianship over me. This early upheaval contributed to my development of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Throughout my childhood, I faced bullying and drama from both girls and boys, which further complicated my social interactions.

Between 8th and 12th grade, I had a few relationships, but they were largely toxic. I graduated high school in 2019 while in a relationship with my boyfriend, Oscar. Our relationship was tumultuous, marked by many ups and downs. Despite the toxicity, I stood by him as he struggled with an addiction to Xanax and infidelity. This experience left me with deep trust issues, insecurity, and a tendency to obsessively worry about him.

After nearly three years together, I broke up with Oscar. Our breakup was messy, with him harassing me through numerous emails after I blocked him on everything. I thought that would be the end of it, but around Thanksgiving, I received a text from his sister informing me that he had overdosed on Xanax and passed away. This news sent my emotions into a tailspin, and I turned to alcohol for several months. I withdrew from my family and friends, blaming myself for his death for a long time.

After many months of healing and therapy, I met my current boyfriend, Sam, on ***. I was immediately attracted to him but hesitant to enter another relationship. After a few weeks of direct messaging, I found comfort in having someone dependable to talk to and spend time with. At the time, Sam was in college with plans to pursue a career in agriculture. He enjoyed making rap music and skateboarding. As we began dating, he expressed understanding of my needs and reassured me that he would do anything to make me happy, much like others had promised before.

Current:

Sam and I have been together for over three years now, but we’ve been struggling with his infidelity on and off. I’ve caught him downloading apps to flirt with women around the world, posting inappropriate comments on local Reddit pages, and liking pictures of other women. He even had inappropriate conversations with a family friend with whom he has a history of intimacy.

His cheating became so overwhelming that I eventually kicked him out of my house, hoping he would seek therapy and address his issues. After some time apart, I decided to give him another chance and let him move back in. Recently, I discovered that he had been liking a female coworker’s pictures on ***, knowing how uncomfortable and disrespectful I find that. They even had text conversations about my belongings, with him referring to them as if he owned them, without mentioning me at all.

It also came to light that he had created a backup Reddit account over a year ago, despite having deleted his previous account after I found inappropriate content on it. Beyond his infidelity, Sam has been cold and disrespectful. Whenever I express my feelings or concerns, he dismisses me as being dramatic or invalidates my emotions.

He often takes my car without permission, telling me I can’t go with him, and stays out all night with friends I don’t know, drinking and having fun. I’ve only ever allowed him to use my car for work, but if I voice my discomfort about his outings, he accuses me of being controlling and not letting him have freedom. 

Our relationship lacks intimacy and connection. He rarely takes me on dates, buys me gifts, or shares interests with me. He doesn’t compliment me, show me off, or help me with my problems. During intimacy, he doesn’t seem to care about my pleasure. The only things we seem to do together are smoke, eat (whether I cook, or we buy food), and go to bed. 

I’ve been hearing a lot from my family that I need to do better and seriously consider breaking up with Sam. Despite this advice, I continually find myself justifying his behavior and how he treats me. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt just for contemplating leaving him, even though deep down, I know I’ll never be truly happy in this relationship.

With Christmas approaching, all these conflicting feelings are weighing heavily on me, and I can feel myself spiraling out of control again. My mom suggested that I wait until after the holidays to break up with him, while my sister thinks I should do it before Christmas so we can return his gifts, confident he doesn’t deserve them.

I’m at a crossroad and feeling really lost. Any advice on how to navigate this situation?