Is relationship without physical attraction work?
I’ve been in relationship for 7 years with a guy (let’s call him J). It started from online through a karaoke app, so not dating app. We started as karaoke buddy and then moved to talk and FaceTime. We started as friends and into situationship. In 2020 he told me that he loves me and that he wanted to pursue this relationship.
It takes so many years for us to meet because he went back to school, get a degree, proceeded to get a teaching license for English abroad. Finally this year on March 2023 he moved to my country though unfortunately we still live in different cities.
But, when we finally met and hang out, it wasn’t as I expected. While he’s treating me nicely and we had fun because basically we’re best friends to each other, he kept distance. He never hold my hands or anything. He did kiss my cheek once and I found out later that he did that to check if he feel something, that “spark”. He told me he didn’t feel it and that he doesn’t have physical attraction to me. But he loves me so much because I have so much love and he loves my personality. He told me we have built something, that we have a solid good foundation of friendship and emotional bonding.
Despite all of that he doesn’t want to move on and wanted us to still be an item and working on it. But the thing is I don’t think we both know how or what to do. I don’t know what to do because it hurts me so much when he told me that. I couldn’t comprehend how could someone claim that they love you but not in love at the same time. For me it’s different because when I love someone, the attraction follows. I love them beyond physical attraction, I love them for their soul. I love him because I thought he loves me because of what I am.
how do I move on from that wound and try to work this out? I still love him and hopeful but I know attraction is something you can’t force. I do know he’s emotionally attracted to me but idk if he can ever grow physical attraction to me… I’m so torn and it makes me sad ever since. I don’t know what to do…
@mayarwen
Wow. I don't even know what to say, I just know that your story broke my heart and that I want the absolute best for you. I can tell you have a genuine soul and I wish you didn't have to experience such pain.
I honestly don't know what I would do in your situation, but I know that having to force someone to love you in all the ways you want (physically and emotionally) sounds hard, painful, lowkey unrealistic, and an experience I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Maybe try to meet other people in person so you know that if they end up falling in love with you, you won't have to question their physical attraction to you.
Without attraction the relationship can still be a loving relationship, but more in the sense of “companionship” or friendship. There’s not going to be physical intimacy probably, and if you both need that then that’s going to be problematic eventually. Unfortunately there’s no real way to “manufacture” attraction. It’s there or it isn’t. It’s not uncommon that partners that have been dating for many years eventually transition from passionate love to companionate love. Although in 7 years if he has never expressed sexual interest in that way (and presumably he’s not asexual?) then he might simply not be attracted to you while finding your personality appealing.
You could always maintain a friendship, but I think a n intimate relationship without attraction would be challenging in the long term. It’s easier to find a partnership that is mutually compatible than to force yourself to compromise on your needs.
CatsInTheCradle
You have the answer in your story, and you answered it yourself, which shows your understanding of the situation.
One good line is: Accept the truth.
You can't stick the broken pieces together again.
