Venting about Relationships

*Long post*

Hello everyone! I am excited to be in a safe place where I can talk about my not so healthy relationships whether that would be family, "friends", acquaintances, or coworkers.

Let's begin with "family". My mom's side raised me but I did grow up with some summers and some holidays with my dad's side. While I don't feel particularly close to anyone in my family we do try to stay connected and close. My immediate family on my mom's side is 15 not including non-married partners. My definition of an immediate family is family who raised me or grew up with. So, my grandparents, their 3 daughters (My mom & aunties), their spouses (my step-"dad" and uncles), their kids (my sister and my cousins), and my children. My dad's side I have 2, maybe 3 half-siblings. Yes, grandparents, aunt, and uncles are extended but they raised me. With so many family members on both sides, you would think we would be close. Yet, with 7 of us living under the same roof I still feel alone and am treated like I'm a child even though I have children of my own now. Yelling is the "normal" talking but if I raise my voice even a little its baaad. Parenting advice every which way most which includes old school ways. I'm just tired of being the black sheep. Mom and Dad both were in and out of my life due to poor choices in life ie; abusive relationships (not each other), drugs, and jail. Mom made a full recovery while I was in middle school and been here since. Yet, I still feel like the odd one.

Next Friends...well after high school I pretty much lost all my friends... I mean we all are social media friends still but not like we were back in school. We all tried to stay in touch but life happened. As an adult, I don't have friends... I don't have anyone to text or call or hangout with. Which brings me to my next part... acquaintances. I know people through people... so some of my sister's friends are closer in age to me and when they come over we hang out... if they ask me to go to their kid's birthday we go but they aren't friends Id call when I need help. Currently, there's only one person I will spill my guts out to and that's my best friend turned boyfriend. which now brings me to my current romantic relationship.

Romantic relationships... In my adult years... I've had 3 longish (more than a year) relationships. Mainly, ending because of me being emotional (undiagnosed depression and anxiety at the time). Almost got engaged to one ex, got engaged, and almost got married to my most recent ex. I was with my ex in total 3 or 4 years which then we had 3 kids... one which ended up being stillborn. Long story short with my last ex he was verbally abusive, sexually demanding, would be absent most parts of the day or night, and in and out of drugs and jail. He ended up getting a DV case because of me... and that's when my boys and I left. Now I've had my share of traumatic experiences which I won't go into detail here. Which brings me to current times.

My best friend... my everything... my boyfriend. I am what most people would call a "homewrecker". Although, in my defense, they were done way before I even met them. So I met them through my sister's partner. We all use to hang out at my house with all the kids and their friends. We became really close, the three of us... which until then end I found out they both "fell in love with me" but my boyfriend fell out of love with his ex-wife years ago. I didn't pursue anything... my boyfriend and I started hanging out more with our kids (his 2 and my 2) more and more but less and less with his ex-wife. He finally told me that they were legally separated and he's working towards getting the divorce. A little over a year later here we are still together. He's different, he makes me feel like I'm a rare gem, like I'm worth it despite my baggage.

Well, thank you for reading. I feel better just posting this... almost like an email to a good friend... I was gonna say text but I think this would be to long to text hahaha,