Six Pillar Diagnostic Test for Marriages and Relationships & Long Term Study on What Keeps People Together

While it wasn't a scientific or actual endorsed study, I performed my own diligence to find out what it was that kept couples together past twenty years. When I would meet a couple that had been together long term, I asked them what it was that provided them longevity. I'd venture to say that I asked that question to many couples over the span of over ten years. None of the couples knew one another. The answers were very similar. Each couple told me that two important things kept them together over the years:
1. We're friends under it all
Couples understand that regardless of what happens, they always appreciate and understand that there is an underlying friendship that propels every aspect of their marriage. They never lose sight of the fact they are friends, working as partners, in order to fulfill their vows and provide service to those around them.
2. They learned how to communicate, compromise, and pick/choose their battles
Each couple I spoke with pointed out that the ways in which they communicated, never went to bed mad, learned to compromise together, and didn't fight about every single thing (pick and choose battles) made all the difference.

Based on my experience, the way you fight strongly determines happiness in a marriage. My six years of marriage is strong simply because we don't pick fights, but choose our battles wisely, and make sure that we have a resolution process so that we don't allow situations to lead to resentment. Resentment in a marriage is hard as cement. It doesn't take a lot of it to tank even the best of marriages. I believe that working hard to ensure resentment doesn't set within a marriage is crucial.

To diagnose marriages and relationships, I use pillars as part of my process. Usually, one or more of the pillars will be compromised and will point out the areas in which the couple likely needs to focus. This is not a cookie-cutter method, nor is it one size fits all -- but it is a good starting point to get to the core issues within a relationship that is having issues.
Communication - How do they talk to each other, how do they fight, how do they resolve their differences, how do they laugh together, do they go to bed mad, are there any communication issues that swirl without resolution or compromise, and are there ways in which they are communicating that are more effective than others?
Honesty - Is there dishonesty, either with one or both partners about anything between them?
Trust - Do they genuinely trust one another, have there been violations of trust, how stable is their trust bond?
Respect - Do they respect one another in multiple ways, how do they show respect, how do they work hard each day to show one another they value the other?
Friendship - Are they friends, not simply pretending, not roommates, not just married -- but, do they enjoy spending time together?
Shared Values - At their very core, do they both have similar values, money management, children upbringing rules, morals, integrity, and deal breakers?

I've seen many situations where there are issues in more than one pillar. My starting point is always to focus more on core issues and not symptoms. I think today, even in traditional therapy, we usually focus on symptoms but never address or get close to the core issues that may or may not be obvious. The core areas are listed in the pillars that I provided above and you'll note that byproducts such as love, affection, sex, intimacy, connection, and such are not listed. That is because when the pillars are strong, as are the other byproducts. If you do not focus on core issues, only symptoms, you'll spin your wheels getting nowhere attempting to squash symptoms like playing a game of whack-a-mole. It's exhausting because there is no real resolve, no end, and no light at the end of that tunnel. By addressing a lot of the core issues, the symptoms may recede all by themselves.

Note that for a relationship to return to a healthy situation, BOTH parties must work together to resolve their differences. Situations, where one person does most of the effort, while the other passively accepts the changes, is not going to be effective, especially long term.

How long does this process usually take? That depends. It can take weeks, months, or years. It depends on several factors including (but not limited to) the effort of both parties, age, length of relationship or marriage, dependencies (such as situation, living conditions, financial status, insurance, children, parents, disabilities, etc.)