My mind goes against how I feel.
im tried of being extremely sad and obsessing over these reoccurring thoughts. I sometimes wish I hadn’t experienced toxic relationships so I’d be better and happier with my boyfriend. After all the abuse and stress I dealt with in my other relationships before him just lingers. The after effects.
I gotten groomed before me and my boyfriend talked. The groomer told me he loved me, we exchanged ***. He talked to other people though, way older than me and age appropriate.. even a man. I didn’t know he felt that way about men because he denied it. It makes me sick to even think about my experience with him. He hurt me. It’s so weird.
all the men I have been in relationships with have left me in a year. They all lied to me. Hurt me. Left me with some more trauma. I don’t want to bring this to my relationship. I don’t want to hurt him. And I don’t want to leave him.
im tired of the weird intrusive and obsessive thoughts that I don’t love him, that he doesn’t love me. That we aren’t compatible. Obsessing over simple attraction, feeling like I shouldn’t be. Scared of attraction to others. When I am with him he makes me feel so calm, a little touch from him just feels so warm and calms me. His voice. Is so soothing. His personality. The way he walks. His smile. His humor. I even love the things I dislike because it’s him.
I always feel this way when I’m with him— always. I don’t like being left alone or leaving him because when I leave I get sad and the thoughts come. The intrusive. We have been together for a year and maybe 3 months. These thoughts started when I was on and off of birth control and I started to obsess over them since. I hate my mind. I just wish to be able to love him in peace. Free from toxic thoughts.
@FishPhos21
I'm so sorry to hear that you've been through so much trauma in your past relationships, and that you're struggling with intrusive and obsessive thoughts now. It sounds like you have a deep love and affection for your current boyfriend, and that he brings you a lot of comfort and peace.
It's important to know that these types of thoughts are common for survivors of trauma and abuse, and they don't reflect your feelings for your boyfriend. It's also common for these types of thoughts to become more intense when you're feeling anxious or stressed, such as when you're going off of birth control.
It may be helpful to reach out to a therapist or counsellor to work through these thoughts and feelings, and to find healthy coping strategies. You deserve to be happy and to love your boyfriend without any fear or anxiety. You're not alone, and there's support and help available to you ❤️
