Loving someone with a mental illness
I could write a novel about this relationship and all its ups and downs, but I won't. The basic story: My partner struggles with mental illness and I sometimes really need a reminder that his struggles are not about me. I also have a kid who is a young adult who also struggles with intense emotional ups and downs, OCD, and probably mild depression.
If anyone reading this is a partner or a parent of someone with mental illness, how do you cope?
I know I need to take care of myself, and I try.
I know that my partner's struggles are not about me, and I try not to take his struggles personally. (He isolates himself until he feels better, and this can last anywhere from a few hours to many days before he's ready to socially interact again, so it feels like I'm being pushed out of his life).
Mental illness is wildly unpredictable and you never know what plans or expectations will be interrupted by your loved one's struggles. How do you cope with this?
In general, how do you cope with loving someone with mental illness?
I know everyone's story is different, and that's great, just want to know who is out there dealing wtih this stuff and what works for you? Or what are your struggles with coping? Thanks!
Another question I'd like to ask: If you are someone who is dealing with a mental illness, how do you best feel supported by your family and loved ones? If you were to offer advice to someone who loves you and cares about you, what would it be? Thanks so much! Any input is appreciated!
@GoingInCircles365
All very good questions and as you have said it is very different .... it is hard and takes patience to not take it personally .... i think many want this to be like a physical illness you recover and it does noyt just reappear time and time again... but it often does. making it exhausting that you start all over again until the episodes / issues sort of alleviates a bit.
Honestly i would like it when i am truly down or going through something for my partner to LISTEN ... that is it ...... no trying to FIX or tell me unhelpful suggestions etc.... just listen ... deeply and not in head nodding bobble head mode ................................but real trying to understand. it is hard for a person to share but IF they do and people think they have easy answers or suggest items that "yeah i have tried the obvious " makes us shut down more and NOT ever want to share ....
@toughTiger6481
Hi ToughTiger, Thanks so much for your reply, I really appreciate it.
Yes, it is hard to be there, to be supportive, to be present, not take it personally, and respect that my partner has some very deeply personal struggles that have nothing to do with me.
And THANK YOU for your input about what helps you feel better. That your partner simply listens with the intent to understand and not to fix, that's excellent advice. I already try to be very aware of that, and will continue to try. That said, I actually wish my partner would be willing to share a little more, but I never push for more, and I know he really appreciates that. Thanks again!
Honestly? Communication is one of the cornerstones of fewling safe in a relationship for me. Me and my partner have chosen to not hide anything from one another when it comes to feelings and its worked out pretty well. I feel supported when I get reassurances from my partner about my worries and fears, such as my fears of abandonment.
@bonescene
Hi, thanks for your reply. I totally agree that communication is essential in a good relationship. When one partner is in the middle of a mental health crisis, they have a pretty hard time communicating effectively. It can be a real struggle then.
I’m literally going through something so similar. My partner decides to push me away by isolating his self also. Then will say harsh things to me and come back to act like it never happened. He suffers with ASPD. Sometimes I feel like the relationship is pointless but we have kids and I can’t just leave him like that.
@peachCircle4242
Hi PeachCircle, so sorry to hear that you're dealing with the same pattern in your relationship and that you're trying to navigate parenting on top of a challenging relationship situation.
My partner is similar in that one day he's very sweet and talkative and interactive, and the next day he's totally lost in his own personal dark place, pushes me away for a few days, and then comes back as if nothing happened. It's very confusing.
Maybe some others will chime in here and offer some other ideas and support, we are definitely not alone with this.
@GoingInCircles365,
I've been in a deep depression for some years. Not anymore, I found a way out.
What I so needed at the time was understanding. A listening ear. Which can be tough because sometimes I'd have better moments only to totally withdraw or get angry the next moment.
Yes, do not try to fix or offer help. Offer space and understanding. Just hug or whatever (for me, physical touch is a primary love language). Make some tea and say "I made some tea for us". Leave it up to the other to join or not. If they join, they might be a bit open.
I would almost say, treat them like you would treat someone with a serious psychical illness.
Give yourself space. Create boundaries. Yes, they are not ok but you don't have to accept all. Be grounded. Create a support system, people you can talk to. The ones that listen, the ones that understand.
In other words, show them you love them without selling out.
@dukeofdearham
Thank you, dukeofhearham, I REALLY appreciate your comments. It's especially meaningful to hear comments about what helps someone who has gone through dark phases. Again, I know everyone is different, but it's really good to hear your comments. I think it really helps reaffirm what I'm already trying to do, allow space, set my own boundaries, and really just offer opportunities to connect and let my partner accept if he feels comfortable with it.
Thanks again :)
@GoingInCircles365,
you're welcome.
One thing I forgot and would like to add, at the time I saw a psychiatrist. He would've been able to help but we couldn't afford him.
I next saw a therapist who knew nothing about mental illnesses.
What I so needed and didn't get was understanding. Looking back, a (meetup) group of people going through hard mental times would've helped me. Maybe even ones where you can bring along your partner now and then so they might get a better understanding.
Moodswings, lashing out, withdrawing, none of it is personal. It's all part of the storm that's going on inside. You so want a way out. Even asking for help might be impossible.
@dukeofdearham
Thanks again for sharing some additional thoughts.
Wow, how unfortunate to try to see a therapist, and then find out they knew nothing about mental illness? Hmmm. I can see how that wasn't helpful.
A meetup group is a great idea. I've thought about going to one myself, but I doubt my partner would even consider it, he's an extreme introvert and very private. I'd be thrilled if he would consider a therapist. I've already offered to go with him to couples therapy if he were willing.
Thanks again for your candid comments, very much appreciated. :)
@DancingSongbird579,
you're welcome.
Dealing with people who are mentally ill is not easy. It costed me my marriage. So I'm more than happy to share my insights and thoughts.
@dukeofdearham
What have you found that has helped you deal with your depression?
I know some people take meds, others see a therapist, or do a combination of the two, others do nothing. I also know depression is vastly different for everyone, in terms of severity and length of time.
I'm just really interested to hear other people's stories about how they have navigated this, and ultimately hoping this helps me cope as well as helps me be a supportive partner.
Thanks again for your thoughtful replies!
@GoingInCircles365,
I have no idea. One way or another, I pulled myself out. I had no help, no support. I felt deeply alone. I had stopped loving myself.
Now I remember one thing but how it relates, I don't know.
That one thing is this. At the time my wife worked at a hospital. The parking garage shed park at was reconstructed. Meaning she'd have to leave earlier and back home later. She asked me to drive her in and pick her up. I said sure. Getting up early. Sometimes having to wait when picking her up as she was finishing a task. Which annoyed me and I found a way to not stay annoyed.
On the drive back home she would share stories at times, often sad ones. Or she was simply exhausted. Often she'd fall asleep, it was a windy road and I'd drive smoothly.
I think those drives helped me. At the time i was severely depressed. First, she asked for help. Second, we had some quality time. Third, I was able to rise above getting annoyed when she'd be late finishing tasks. Fourth, I was able to be aware whether she wanted to talk or not and offer understanding and a safe drive home.
Maybe you can come up with something similar. I truly believed , looking back now (I never thought on this before) , the trips to her workplace (like two months) helped me.
@dukeofdearham
Wow, thanks for sharing that story.
I'm of course happy to know that you managed to dig your way out from a depressed state, and that being helpful and useful to another person may have helped. That's really good to know.
And it makes a lot of sense too. If you find some sense of purpose, it can definitely give a bit of a mood boost.
And now that you mention it, I think that is something my partner lacks, a sense of purpose. He feels very alone in the world and has talked about trying to find some activity to get involved with, but doesn't know what, and lacks the motivation to think about it. Something to think about, for sure.
Thanks again! 💗