How my relationships, kept making me stronger.

*Trigger warning*

The content of the following thread, could be trigger inducing, read at your own risk

There are over 7 billion people on the planet, and everyone has their own baggage. Be it emotional or mental or physical. Some are fighting with their illnesses, some, with their min and others with their heart and emotions. And so, just like many people, i wasnt impervious to either of these too. Since the time i joined 7cups as a listener, which was about 2 years ago, I have never really been able to open up to any one. However, i thought it was high time now, since the months of September and October are the hardest for me to live in, Hence, i decided to completely open upto everyone, so that, after getting to know my struggles, maybe, just maybe, i am able to motivate atleast 1 person to continue fighting in their life. With this forum, i am, facing my own demons, my own fears, the ones that i was running from.

I was brought up in an abusive home, where, from the age of 4 (that's my earliest memory of my childhood), till the age of 17, i was abused, almost on daily basis, be it physically or mentally or emotionally. Everyday, it was either one or more of these types, that i had to endure. And with this, i kept fighting, learnt to fight from a very young age, instead of giving in to all this, i got hard inside, protected my ownself. Although, at times, i did feel like a punching bag for my parents, as a way for them, to take out their frustrations on me, so they could feel better about themself. Some of this, was affecting my studies, so, my parents contacted a man, who was in his early twenties then, so he could tutor me and help me with my studies. After some time, when he won the trust of my parents and started to slowly take advantage of my, by trying to molest me. Being a kid, back in early 90's, i was unaware f the stuff happening, and did not know, what to do or how to react about it. And when, somehow, my parents did get to know about it, they somehow managed to make it all my mistake, instead of punishing the curlprit.

Somehow, this went in the past and the normal days went by, till the month of November 2000, when my father passed away due to a heart stroke. For me, at that time, he was nothing more, but a drunk person, who would, occasionally, give me money and/or, buy me some toys to play with. The only memory i have of him, is from the month of May, 997, when he was giving me lessons with linear equations. I was unable to comprehend the change in signs. He explained me twice, and when the third time, i unknowingly made the same mistake, he slapped me so hard, that it broke the one of the upper insicor tooth. Anyways, when my father did pass away, I kindda thought that atleast now, the physical or mental abuse would reduce by half. However, it was just my imagination, and the abuses, instead of decreasing, got worse. Won't go into further detail.

Moving further, i reached high school. One day, i met with a girl, she was new in school back then, and she got to know that i was good with mathematics (after losing a tooth, who wouldnt :P), she asked for my help with the subject. While helping her, we started talking and i got to know that she had moved in, couple of blocks away from my house, with her family recently. Slowly, this friendship turned into puppy dog love, the sweetest of them all, we would go and come back to the school together, would even sit in the class together and have our lunch together too. But, along came the Universe, who had something completely different in mind. One fine day, while both of us were playing video games at my place, she suddenly fainted, and that is when, we got to know that she had leukemia, and it was a really bad case. The following days, were no less than, well, closest resemblance being with the climax of the movie A Walk To Remember. And, once again, just like that, i was left alone, feeling lik, someone had pulled the rug from under my feet. To try and move on from this, and deal with the grief, i decided to go with the flow, treat every day as a new life, and end that "life" at night, by sleeping, and restarting again in the morning.

With a heavy heart, and constantly fighting the battles outside, and inside, having no real friends to talk to, and even my "girl" being taken away from me, i started staying alone. Would go everywhere, alone, try to complete myself, on my own. Good thing, that the physical abuse had stopped at home, and was refrained to only mental and emotional abuse, which i had learnt, to block out and/or ignore. Somehow, i managed to finish my school and get into a decent University (college) and started my bachelors. A fellow classmate, had started noticing me, in my solace, and somehow, started to prod me about it. With her inccesant proding, i gave in and caved to it and once again, found my comfort and solace in another human. Once again, after a few months, I was in a relationship, in which, things went smoothly for about over a year. And, lo and behold, the mighty Universe strikes again. I found out, she was cheating on me. Well, with not one, but three guys on the side. No wonder she had been distant and behaving odd, adding to my mental and emotional abuse. So, i decided to take my revenge. For that, i asked her to meet me, under the pretext of a romantic weather and long drive ;). Picked her up from her place, took her out for a long drive to the countryside, and while on the way, found a secluded place, away from any inhabitaion, asked her to step out of the car for a bit, as soon as she did, I, took off in my car, with her mobile and purse still in my car, leaving her behind, on the side of the road, and, in my rear view mirror. Later, i gave her mobile, her purse, and all the trinkets she had gifted me, to one of the guys, she was cheating on me with. And, i thik he returned her stuff to her and broke it off with her. And, some time later, i found out that the other guys she had, also broke it off with her and she was left alone. HA! Karma always hits you back...

Somehow, still fighting with depression and yet another heartbreak, and continuing to move forward, I managed to somehow graduate as an engineer, and took admission in MBA, in another reputed Uni. And, once again, I met another kind hearted, gorgeous young girl. When our eyes locked for the first time, i kid you not, I felt a spark between us. The spark, that makes you tingle, makes you weak in your knees. Slowly and gradually, the casual eye glances turned into greetings, which later turned to friendhip and eventually, another relationship, which went on for about little over a year and half. During this time, we had both met each others family, and they too, had agreed for our relationship. She had asked me a couple of times to get married, however, since i had just completed my masters, was trying to set up my own business and I, in front of her father, asked for atleast 2 years time, for me to completely establish my business and then marry her. After hearing this, her father happily agreed and gave me his blessings. Somehow, Universe struck upon me once again, and God knows what came in the mind of her father, he married her off, forcibly, to some middle age man, on Oct 8, 2013. This middle aged man, would later sexually assault her, almost every night. Her father had snatched away all her means of communication with me, so that she could not inform me about the events transpiring in any way. About the marriage, i got to know a day later, from her cousin. Anyways, succumbing to her situations, she then sent me a long long text, from her husbands phone, at 02:10 AM, on Oct 20, 2013, where she described all her ordeals in great detail. In the end, she mentioned that she could not take it anymore and chose the easy way out of all of it, by ending her life. Thereby, leaving me behind, shocked and confused. The aforementioned text message, was later used as evidence and confession, which helped putting the said "husband" behind bars for 12 years.

Now, once again, after getting kicked in the posterior by the Mighty Universe, and falling face first on to the ground, i found myself standing at a crossroads. Where, one path lead to depression, another to lonliness, third was leading me to going insane and fourth was leading me to be alive, but dead inside. I chose the fourth one, that made me no less than a person, who was just, walking dead. I was alive, moving around as a fellow human, yet, i was dead inside. However, i always managed to wear a smile on my face. A smile, which actually was a laugh. A laugh at how the universe was playing with me. By December 2013, i received an invitation to a wedding. Even though i did not want to attend the wedding at that time, now i think, i shouldnt have attended it in any way. Anyways, i went to attend the wedding, and met yet another girl. Behind her laughs and giggles, i could see, that she too, was standing at a similar crossroads, in her life, like i was. So, we exchanged numbers and started texting/calling each other and found out quite many similarities between us, which soon, lead us to dating. This time, i finally thought, that, my life was finally going to be good from now on. Such thoughts i tell you, are the ones that actually disappoint us :P. Anyways, both of us met the families of the other and everyone and everything was going smooth. And, once again, right when i started to get comfortable and happy, the Universe struck down again. *Side note: for the almighty Universe, it does have a very crappy timing*. This time, i suffered losses in my business, which were equivalent to about $100,000. And, by the end of 2014, I also found that, i had a clot/cyst in my brain. With all the things happening so fast, i decided to take some time away, closed down all my businesses and decided to take a year off and recouperate with my losses. Somehow, this decision, didnt stand well with her mother. Now, at this point, you might think of her and her mother as some gold-diggers. However, i later got to know, that she saw me as a man, having a lavish lifestyle, and this man, was now, standing at such a place, where he couldnt manage to make his ends meet. So, her mother asked her, how i was suposed to keep her happy? Later, her mother convinved her to break up with me. And sghe chose a really really bad day to do so too. My birthday. well, technically, 20 minutes before my birthday. It was 11:40 PM, on April 7th, 2015, and she and i were texting and she steered the conversation in that direction, and ended up the whole relationship, via a text message. I just sat there, with my mouth agape, trying to comprehend the "gift" i had just received on my birthday. I, tried to defend her, by saying that it would've been hard for both of us, to end the relationship, face to face, and that is why, she chose this method, and many more reasons.

By now, you must be thinking, that Universe must be having some sort of grudge with me, by continuously knocking me down, right when am about to feel happy for myself. But, even i am stubborn. The universe can try and kick me down as much as it wants to. I WILL get back up, each and everytime. I agree that she dumped me on my birthday last year, and now, she is, getting married to some guy, on her birthday this year. But, she did acknowledge one thing, which always makes me feel better. To quote her, "Param, you will definitely find someone better than me. But, i will never be able to find anyone better than you." And, that is the truth, for the guy she's setteling for, isn't even close to what i was for her. But then again, its her loss.

After all this happened, I turned to the dark side. For the first 5 minutes after waking up every morning, i would meditate, during which, i would think, that everyone close to me, related to me, was dead, and I was left alone. Then, i would imagine, how my life would be. After spending about 10-15 minutes on this, i would get moving about my daily routine. All the while, i kept fighting my daily battles. Winning many, losing few. and constantly reminding myself, and telling the universe one thing, over and over again. You may have won the battle. But, I WILL WIN THE WAR.

**Lessons i am trying to pass on here**

1: Perseverance and Persistence, always pays off: Regardless of the time and situation or your circumstances, i have personally seen in my life, that perseverance and persistence always pays you off. At this moment of time, i have about, paid off 60% of my financial debts that i had acquired during my losses, bought back the car, i had to sell off during the time, got rid of the clot/cyst in my brain, and, managed to get to know many amazing listeners, whom, i am honored and pleased to call, My Friends <3

2: Never choose the easy way out: The problems are put in your life, for one reason. To test you and your abilities. After all these things happening in my life, i too could have opted for an easy way out. However, i chose to keep fighting. Choosing the easy way out, no doubt, requires a lot of effort, as, you are ending your life. However, it just passes on your pain, to your near and dear ones. However, i personally think, that lesser courage is required to keep on fighting, than is required to end your life.

3: Love will ALWAYS find you: contrary to the belief, instilled in our minds by various novels and movies, love actually happens more than once in your life. I mean, look at me, it happened to me 4 times, and i am still open to it for the 5th time :P . The point is, there is an even stronger form of love, than the love of a partner. That's called, True Love, aka, SELF LOVE. The love that you have for yourself. Everyone else in your life, except your family, knows you only for a brief amount of time, yet, you know yourself the longest, and best. You have known yourself your whole life. LIVE FOR YOURSELF. Let the love come and find you. Smile everyday, for the person you see in your mirror, because, that's the person who loves you the most <3

4: Way to let go of the things: It is said, that, the best way to conquor your fears, is to face them. Courage does not mean, absence of fear, it just means, that you're willing to face your fears. And, this humongously long forum post, is my way, to finally, let go of all my past, of all the things that have haunted me, and, to finally, open up to everyone here on 7cups <3

And, remember,

WHAT WE DO IN LIFE, DOES NOT DEFINE US
WHAT DEFINES US, IS, HOW WELL WE RISE AFTER FALLING.

Regards:
Param aka Params aka Minionator aka HotFudge

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